what does it mean?
oh boy. i'm really pissed now. i just made this post and it was basically me bitching. the usual. but the page didn't download or something so now i lost it. damn. well yeah. so basically one of my best friends is leaving, again, as if i ever get to see her in the first place, because her mom says "she doesn't respect the house rules". agh. don't get me started. my mom offered for the second time, with a confirmation from dad, that if things got out of hand, she could come to stay with us. which makes me cringe, only because it's so unfortunate that she has to put up with so much shit, to the point that she can't live at either house anymore. what the hell?
it's not my problem, and i know she doesn't want my pity or for me to worry about her, so here's the other thing that mom said today that made me cringe:
-looks like that shirt shrunk, jessica. OR you're expanding. again. you know, the only time you're home anymore is to sleep or raid the refrigerator.
i honestly don't think my mom loves me. i know that sounds stupid, and i'm probably wrong, but this summer i have realized that if she does love me, she doesn't know how to show it. it just pisses me off that she so obviously prefers one of her children over the other two. and i'm not being stupid and tunnel-visioned or whatever, this is the conclusion i have come to after living with her for almost 17 years. it's excruciatingly obvious. i don't remember the last time she told me she loved me or that she's proud of me. not even after my dad reassures me and gives me a hug after a tough practice or something when she is just standing there, she doesn't shake her head in agreement or anything, she just looks away. there is no trust, no hugs, no nurturing, nothing. i feel like the only interaction is out of obligation or to check up and make our schedules match. i don't know what to do anymore. i have officially given up.
while i'm in bitching/depressed mood, here's another. i understand that it's no good that i'm always gone. i'm never home at night. it's pretty disrespectful and obnoxious. however, if while i'm home my parents just tell me about all the stuff i have to do (not that they know jack shit about my schedule. i just reminded them that i will be in arizona this weekend/week), remind me about all the books they have read ("oh, and james is almost done with that book, can you believe it? isn't that great? he's almost done after only four days!"), or watch sports (baseball mostly).
fuck it. if you don't have anything kind to say, don't say anything at all. and i thought i wouldn't say much.
it's not my problem, and i know she doesn't want my pity or for me to worry about her, so here's the other thing that mom said today that made me cringe:
-looks like that shirt shrunk, jessica. OR you're expanding. again. you know, the only time you're home anymore is to sleep or raid the refrigerator.
i honestly don't think my mom loves me. i know that sounds stupid, and i'm probably wrong, but this summer i have realized that if she does love me, she doesn't know how to show it. it just pisses me off that she so obviously prefers one of her children over the other two. and i'm not being stupid and tunnel-visioned or whatever, this is the conclusion i have come to after living with her for almost 17 years. it's excruciatingly obvious. i don't remember the last time she told me she loved me or that she's proud of me. not even after my dad reassures me and gives me a hug after a tough practice or something when she is just standing there, she doesn't shake her head in agreement or anything, she just looks away. there is no trust, no hugs, no nurturing, nothing. i feel like the only interaction is out of obligation or to check up and make our schedules match. i don't know what to do anymore. i have officially given up.
while i'm in bitching/depressed mood, here's another. i understand that it's no good that i'm always gone. i'm never home at night. it's pretty disrespectful and obnoxious. however, if while i'm home my parents just tell me about all the stuff i have to do (not that they know jack shit about my schedule. i just reminded them that i will be in arizona this weekend/week), remind me about all the books they have read ("oh, and james is almost done with that book, can you believe it? isn't that great? he's almost done after only four days!"), or watch sports (baseball mostly).
fuck it. if you don't have anything kind to say, don't say anything at all. and i thought i wouldn't say much.