To which we say goodbye....
So....4 pregnancies, 1 ended in early loss
They say pregnancy loss is a loss like no other, regardless of how early or late it happens. The bleeding has stopped, the symptoms were gone days ago, all evidence is removed. But there are always remnants left behind. On your heart, in your mind, even in your body.
The little voice that says this is what you deserved for fucking that boy...that says you were being greedy...that says you tried to defy nature...that says you were being selfish, and this is your punishment.
Equivalent exchange...never thought I would learn a life lesson from anime. Haha!
The voice asks what are you willing to give in order to gain this baby? It's important to you right? So you have to give up something equally important...
the voice responds, why? I gave up...my figure for the other 2....why are the stakes higher on this one?
Equivalent exchange. You must give something to gain something.
I'm selfish. My wife clearly does not want this but is wiling to give me what I want in order for me to be happy. That should be enough, right? She gave up her kids because its best for all parties....why is it so hard to give up this baby that ain't even here yet for the sake of our marriage? Damage has already been done, right? Aparently this is something that will never be forgotten, and this event, more than likely alone, if I really listen, was the sole cause of Star having to go back to therapy, and now needing seroquel to sleep at night.
Yep, the more I think about it, the more I should just say fuck it. I've already postponed it till next year. And it sucks because we finally found the perfect donor. Ha. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing. Whatever. Maybe I should put all this energy into my family that exists right now, instead of my imaginary, daydream like a motherfucker family. Maybe I'll realize then that I dont need a new baby, cuz everything I want is here in front of me.
But that intoxicating new baby smell, the chance to put all the fucking lessons I learned about kids and parenting and life together, and really, the chance to have a new start...are all too enticing. I pray this for other situations, so I'll pray it for this one too. God, let Your will be done. Amen
They say pregnancy loss is a loss like no other, regardless of how early or late it happens. The bleeding has stopped, the symptoms were gone days ago, all evidence is removed. But there are always remnants left behind. On your heart, in your mind, even in your body.
The little voice that says this is what you deserved for fucking that boy...that says you were being greedy...that says you tried to defy nature...that says you were being selfish, and this is your punishment.
Equivalent exchange...never thought I would learn a life lesson from anime. Haha!
The voice asks what are you willing to give in order to gain this baby? It's important to you right? So you have to give up something equally important...
the voice responds, why? I gave up...my figure for the other 2....why are the stakes higher on this one?
Equivalent exchange. You must give something to gain something.
I'm selfish. My wife clearly does not want this but is wiling to give me what I want in order for me to be happy. That should be enough, right? She gave up her kids because its best for all parties....why is it so hard to give up this baby that ain't even here yet for the sake of our marriage? Damage has already been done, right? Aparently this is something that will never be forgotten, and this event, more than likely alone, if I really listen, was the sole cause of Star having to go back to therapy, and now needing seroquel to sleep at night.
Yep, the more I think about it, the more I should just say fuck it. I've already postponed it till next year. And it sucks because we finally found the perfect donor. Ha. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing. Whatever. Maybe I should put all this energy into my family that exists right now, instead of my imaginary, daydream like a motherfucker family. Maybe I'll realize then that I dont need a new baby, cuz everything I want is here in front of me.
But that intoxicating new baby smell, the chance to put all the fucking lessons I learned about kids and parenting and life together, and really, the chance to have a new start...are all too enticing. I pray this for other situations, so I'll pray it for this one too. God, let Your will be done. Amen