Chapter XX - Insanties and other distractions
I particularly owe my sanity to one Kari Ann. I cannot believe that so much can go so wrong so quickly. Damn it... how I NEED and crave those drugs. Anti-Depressants. I'm required to finish my current stack, which now amounts to two at once, until I get the new 25 mg pills. I love my life, I love everybody around me. Sometimes I wonder about what people think about me, but people just keep telling me that it shouldn't matter to me. But it always does. I crave the attention that I don't get. I always have to be something to everybody that I'm not supposed to be. I just want to become something and not be dependent on everybody else. But I can't be. I know I need to change, but if I change me, I lose me as well. I lose my foundation, my "reason to live." I don't know who I am. I really don't. Everybody knows more about me than I do. It makes me completely sick. I just want to be me. But not this me that I am. I want to change me. I want to break this happiness that I have. It makes me sick to think of how happy I am once I'm inside of the fabled walls, but once outside, or outside of my group of "friends," I'm so different. I need to break this spell, but I'm worried about if I do. Sometimes I just wish that I could look outside and not be worried about everything... to have this... thing... gone. This stigma that follows me around like a malignant tumor that just doesn't quit.
Kari told me that I need to start living life for myself rather than for others. I really don't know how to do that. I mean... I do... but... If I have any reason to change, then why does everybody think that it has to be for me and me alone. I NEED someone to share time with, someone... who I can hold on to, cry on, as well as she can on me. I look for love but am now realizing that I am looking for companionship rather than love. I look for a special friend, who I can share and confide little things in. Spend time with her/him, instead of alone.
I ask myself constantly... does religion blind us from what we really want? I haven't exactly figured out that... But really... can it?
Can I change and still be happy? Well... It's gotta be better than this.
Kari told me that I need to start living life for myself rather than for others. I really don't know how to do that. I mean... I do... but... If I have any reason to change, then why does everybody think that it has to be for me and me alone. I NEED someone to share time with, someone... who I can hold on to, cry on, as well as she can on me. I look for love but am now realizing that I am looking for companionship rather than love. I look for a special friend, who I can share and confide little things in. Spend time with her/him, instead of alone.
I ask myself constantly... does religion blind us from what we really want? I haven't exactly figured out that... But really... can it?
Can I change and still be happy? Well... It's gotta be better than this.