Such Is Life
I don’t know if this post will even encompass a full idea or if it will just be random ramblings or what it will come of, but I feel just writing so we will see what is going on in my head I guess. There is so much that I am worried about right now and a lot of it is things that none of my friends know about it, so I am to scared to talk about it as it would change how many of my friends looked at me. One of the main things that I am thinking about though has to do with Felicia and the boys, and whether or not we are really meant to be together or if we are just trying to make something work out of nothing. We both completely love each other, that is nothing that is trying to be argued or discussed. But one thing that we have to consider is how many things in life that we are completely different on that we argue about on a daily basis. I was writing to someone the other day and I was bringing up something that my aunt told me a long time ago. She told me about when she divorced my uncle, that before she started looking at other guys, that she sat down and wrote a list of 100 things that she would want in a guy. She told me it was a list of anything and everything from the biggest things like religion, to the smallest things like how many covers on the bed. When she originally told me that, I started laughing at some of the small things that she told me about because in my mind I couldn’t comprehend how much the small things can dictate what goes on in your daily lives, but now that I have lived with and in a relationship with someone, it is easy to see how much the small things do matter. But there are things in my life that I am so confused on that can play into that to where it is a vicious cycle right now. One of the major things that I have debating in my head is religion. I know that a lot of people have issues with me trying to make up my mind on this, but it is a hard thing to really sit down and contemplate when have seen, experienced, and lived the things that I have lived. There is a major side of me that wants to believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, but there is the side of me that I guess is the psychological side of me, plus my experience in Wicca, and the fact that I guess I have a hard time letting my life go to someone that I can’t see trusting him to let my life go to where he has already permanently set it to go. If that makes sense at all, because I just don’t know what to believe, and it is hard to work towards something when I don’t know where I want to go. Everyone says that I need to go to church and read the bible, I have tried both of those. The people at church seem like they are just part of an act sometimes, although some really do seem like they are happy and filled with happiness, and the bible just seems like a good story. You hear all these testimonials and stories about how they were just in awe over something that was shown to them or that referenced to their life, and it is something that I just haven’t seen. I am not someone that is asking for a big huge show or miracle to make me believe as most non-believers do, but something small that shows me that he is paying attention to what is going on in my life and is actually there with a helping hand. I want to honestly believe in God and Jesus so bad, but I don’t want to keep going to where I am not really into it and I am just pretending for everyone around me. I don’t like that, and I don’t know how to go about doing that, I am just sitting here speechless about it and in awe over the fact that I feel so stupid that I can’t even decide that.