Why I am cranky this afternoon
Excruciating meeting with a bride and her mommy. Written in the "revenge of the..." style currently popular on customers_suck, where this is crossposted.
Me: cello-playin' fool
BZ: Bridezilla
MOB: Mother of Bridezilla
Me: Shall we go over the music selections available - from this handy alphabetical index you each hold in your delicate little hands - for your October wedding?
MOB: Lo, we are classy-ass people and shall require much of you, o lowly musicians!
BZ: Can you play "Orange Blossom Special?"
Me: Yea, verily, for you see it here in between "One Hand, One Heart" and "Por Una Cabeza" (the tango used in "Scent of a Woman") in the neatly-labeled and quite alphabetical "Popular Music" section. Most people refer to that section for reception music - shall we set the ceremony music first?
MOB: There is a paucity of country-western music in thy supposedly "popular" index - what is wrong with thee, that thou wishest to smite mine daughter's wedding with dreadful classical caterwaulings?
Me: The Wagner processional and the Mendelssohn recessional are most beloved of all things in our copious collection. Here, as well, thou mayest find the Pachelbel Canon. Although it grieves me worse than anything in our book - for the 'cello part is unclean and should be kept separate from real music - it is truly popular for weddings, since it can easily accommodate the entrance of a dozen bridesmaids, two flower girls, and a ring bearer who needs three tries to make it down the aisle because he freaketh out muchly. Now, on the original paperwork there were ten bridesmaids listed, yet now the number is twelve.
BZ: My list of bridesmaids swelleth like my ego. Of bridesmaids I may have fourteen! Or even twenty! Great is my, like, popularity!
MOB: We want our wedding to be different from all other weddings. None of this Wagner or Mendelssohn.
Me: We...?
MOB: Alas, I had not a proper wedding, so I live vicariously through my little Princess. All must be perfect in order to satisfy our desire for the Most Perfectest Day ever, so beware, thou lowly musician, thou, that our wrath be not incurred by your attempt at competence. We wish to hear "My Heart Will Go On" as the families are seated, the Taco Bell--
Me: ::writing:: Pachelbel...
MOB: Already, wench, thou art displeasing me! I shall put this on the program however I see fit, and if it is spelled incorrectly, that shall be THY fault for not telling me, even though you just did AND it is written here.
BZ: For the bridesmaids, I want, like, something romantic. There's a waltz thing from a musical, can we use that? ::fast-forwards CD to "Send in the Clowns."
Me: Your wish is my command, o patroness. ::dies trying not to laugh::
BZ: And my entrance should be something grand! I like "You Light Up My Life!" My fiance, surely, will agree that I light up his life. I light up all lives, for I am the Bride!
MOB: We will not even consult him, for he is but the groom and who gives a shit?
Me: And the recessional will be...?
BZ: Oh, whatever.
MOB: But if I like it not, thou shalt not be paid! Read my mind, for it is as vast as my mouth and as cavernous as the Grand Canyon itself, and do not play such filth as Bach or Vivaldi!
Me: For that reason, madame, thou must select each piece of music to be played in advance, that thy wedding (for it is as much thine as thy angel daughter's, to be certain) may go to thy liking and we will not have to take thy classy ass to court for non-payment of fees.
MOB: What is this perfidy? There is no money-back guarantee? But I counted on such, for lo, I cannot afford this wedding and will make it as classily cheap as possible by inviting ten million guests and refusing to pay the caterer because the hot wings had sauce on them and the wedding cake contained sugar! And surely I can find fault somehow with the music, that I might enjoy it much yet pay for it not!
Me: *hopes SO has deposited check already* Just sign here, signifying thy approval of the music, and present us with the balance in cash prior to the start of the wedding.
BZ: What will thy ensemble wear to mine wedding?
Me: The ladies shall attire themselves in fine black evening gowns and the gentlemen in tuxedoes. Yea, verily, shall shoes be polished and cummerbunds be worn.
BZ: But my color scheme is blue! All must wear blue, guests and wedding party alike! Mother, for shame, make them wear of the blue!
MOB: Can you wear blue?
Me: No.
MOB: There is great lamentation in the land, for the musicians shall match not the bridesmaids' dresses.
BZ: My day will be ruined!
Me: Unless thou payest for our new raiment, our normal formal clothing will we wear.
MOB: Oh, okay. And make certain to play that nice music from "The Godfather" during the prelude.
Me: cello-playin' fool
BZ: Bridezilla
MOB: Mother of Bridezilla
Me: Shall we go over the music selections available - from this handy alphabetical index you each hold in your delicate little hands - for your October wedding?
MOB: Lo, we are classy-ass people and shall require much of you, o lowly musicians!
BZ: Can you play "Orange Blossom Special?"
Me: Yea, verily, for you see it here in between "One Hand, One Heart" and "Por Una Cabeza" (the tango used in "Scent of a Woman") in the neatly-labeled and quite alphabetical "Popular Music" section. Most people refer to that section for reception music - shall we set the ceremony music first?
MOB: There is a paucity of country-western music in thy supposedly "popular" index - what is wrong with thee, that thou wishest to smite mine daughter's wedding with dreadful classical caterwaulings?
Me: The Wagner processional and the Mendelssohn recessional are most beloved of all things in our copious collection. Here, as well, thou mayest find the Pachelbel Canon. Although it grieves me worse than anything in our book - for the 'cello part is unclean and should be kept separate from real music - it is truly popular for weddings, since it can easily accommodate the entrance of a dozen bridesmaids, two flower girls, and a ring bearer who needs three tries to make it down the aisle because he freaketh out muchly. Now, on the original paperwork there were ten bridesmaids listed, yet now the number is twelve.
BZ: My list of bridesmaids swelleth like my ego. Of bridesmaids I may have fourteen! Or even twenty! Great is my, like, popularity!
MOB: We want our wedding to be different from all other weddings. None of this Wagner or Mendelssohn.
Me: We...?
MOB: Alas, I had not a proper wedding, so I live vicariously through my little Princess. All must be perfect in order to satisfy our desire for the Most Perfectest Day ever, so beware, thou lowly musician, thou, that our wrath be not incurred by your attempt at competence. We wish to hear "My Heart Will Go On" as the families are seated, the Taco Bell--
Me: ::writing:: Pachelbel...
MOB: Already, wench, thou art displeasing me! I shall put this on the program however I see fit, and if it is spelled incorrectly, that shall be THY fault for not telling me, even though you just did AND it is written here.
BZ: For the bridesmaids, I want, like, something romantic. There's a waltz thing from a musical, can we use that? ::fast-forwards CD to "Send in the Clowns."
Me: Your wish is my command, o patroness. ::dies trying not to laugh::
BZ: And my entrance should be something grand! I like "You Light Up My Life!" My fiance, surely, will agree that I light up his life. I light up all lives, for I am the Bride!
MOB: We will not even consult him, for he is but the groom and who gives a shit?
Me: And the recessional will be...?
BZ: Oh, whatever.
MOB: But if I like it not, thou shalt not be paid! Read my mind, for it is as vast as my mouth and as cavernous as the Grand Canyon itself, and do not play such filth as Bach or Vivaldi!
Me: For that reason, madame, thou must select each piece of music to be played in advance, that thy wedding (for it is as much thine as thy angel daughter's, to be certain) may go to thy liking and we will not have to take thy classy ass to court for non-payment of fees.
MOB: What is this perfidy? There is no money-back guarantee? But I counted on such, for lo, I cannot afford this wedding and will make it as classily cheap as possible by inviting ten million guests and refusing to pay the caterer because the hot wings had sauce on them and the wedding cake contained sugar! And surely I can find fault somehow with the music, that I might enjoy it much yet pay for it not!
Me: *hopes SO has deposited check already* Just sign here, signifying thy approval of the music, and present us with the balance in cash prior to the start of the wedding.
BZ: What will thy ensemble wear to mine wedding?
Me: The ladies shall attire themselves in fine black evening gowns and the gentlemen in tuxedoes. Yea, verily, shall shoes be polished and cummerbunds be worn.
BZ: But my color scheme is blue! All must wear blue, guests and wedding party alike! Mother, for shame, make them wear of the blue!
MOB: Can you wear blue?
Me: No.
MOB: There is great lamentation in the land, for the musicians shall match not the bridesmaids' dresses.
BZ: My day will be ruined!
Me: Unless thou payest for our new raiment, our normal formal clothing will we wear.
MOB: Oh, okay. And make certain to play that nice music from "The Godfather" during the prelude.