Nostalgia and Easter
For the record, the following isn't made to make sense to many. You'll get the gist of it but generally it's a time period of life I don't refer back to often. It was good times but it's definately in the past. That said, continue or skip over.
I don't know why, it's been so many years since we dropped out of touch, but Ryan's birthday still throws me off. Part of me still wants to believe that I could theoretically pick up a phone and call or that he would call me on my birthday. Even for the next year or two after we stopped hanging out we still called on our birthdays. Not anymore though. For the friend he was then, it really makes me sad.
I had a dream last night that Kevin was in. Of all the guys we hung out with then, I couldn't even come close to being construed as closer friends with Kevin, probably the farthest from it -outside the Burlington trips and letting him lie on my lap after being sick from drinking the one night. But the dream was so vivid I could touch him and I swear it was just like it would have been if I ran into him again. Reintroductions, the vague run arounds.
I've tried not to think about it but I'm pretty sure these were the things underlying feeling so off most the weekend. I'm sure Trent's injury and crankiness were part of it but thinking back on those lost friendships and all the time that's past has played an unconscious part. Then when I was driving down there after class, I hung up with Trent, turned up the radio and Wonderwall was on. For those who are reading and are completely lost, Ryan would always have his guitar nearby and often played Wonderwall (by Oasis) to cheer me up. I remember so many things revolving around a guitar and that song. THe first time he was absolutely incredulous that I'd never heard the song, when he tried to teach Jenelle how to play it, him playing it countless times at his house and at mine. The times he made me cry by playing it when I didn't want to talk, or when we were in a group to let me know that he was there for me if I needed him. Things got so messed up that last summer. I really miss the friend that promised me that he'd always be there and that the ring he gave me for my 18th birthday to signify that friendship.
I also found a picture taken at Jess' house years ago. Me and Josh. I remember the moment that picture was taken. I remember why I was so pinched looking and the trying to look normal while fighting with him not to tickle me. I saw it and thought of Trent. I've never liked to be tickled and that picture seemed to be proof of any guy I was close to who liked to ignore that fact.
So many reminders lately. It makes me want to take out Incubus and cry.
On other, brighter. and less ambiguous notes, I shook my funk (or at least most of it) and Easter was really nice. I spent the morning at church hanging with Chris and Angela and the kids. Our church puts out a cross with flowers and willow branches woven into a pattern over the wooden structure and after the final service, kids like picking the flowers off and playing with them. Luke (the 3rd of the kids, age 5, I believe) was being ultra snuggly with me -he always comes and gives me a hug first thing- and he gave me a red carnation and told me I should "wear it in [my] hair", behind my ear. It was a sweet gesture and I did as he asked to please him. I went to the store briefly to pick up some odds and ends I needed and made a small gift package for Trent, who'd given up sweets for Lent. We met at my grandparent's house where we hung out with them until their dinner was ready then drove over to his parents house where we had dinner and watched basketball and listened to his cousin's brainteasers and mind tricks. All in all good times all the way around.
Today was no different than usual except Mom is on spring break this week so she is around to make me feel guilty about being lazy. Class was alright, after class was good. The knee has progressed to a good point but he's still going to see a specialist. It's alright enough for normal household, domestic activities though. :)
Tomorrow I hope to finish re-reading Hamlet for class and then I can start working on my seminar paper wednesday during work. I'm starting to get excited for the end of the semester so I can read books I enjoy again. I hate not having time to read except the piles of books that I am required to read for classes. It will all be done soon enough though I suppose.
I don't know why, it's been so many years since we dropped out of touch, but Ryan's birthday still throws me off. Part of me still wants to believe that I could theoretically pick up a phone and call or that he would call me on my birthday. Even for the next year or two after we stopped hanging out we still called on our birthdays. Not anymore though. For the friend he was then, it really makes me sad.
I had a dream last night that Kevin was in. Of all the guys we hung out with then, I couldn't even come close to being construed as closer friends with Kevin, probably the farthest from it -outside the Burlington trips and letting him lie on my lap after being sick from drinking the one night. But the dream was so vivid I could touch him and I swear it was just like it would have been if I ran into him again. Reintroductions, the vague run arounds.
I've tried not to think about it but I'm pretty sure these were the things underlying feeling so off most the weekend. I'm sure Trent's injury and crankiness were part of it but thinking back on those lost friendships and all the time that's past has played an unconscious part. Then when I was driving down there after class, I hung up with Trent, turned up the radio and Wonderwall was on. For those who are reading and are completely lost, Ryan would always have his guitar nearby and often played Wonderwall (by Oasis) to cheer me up. I remember so many things revolving around a guitar and that song. THe first time he was absolutely incredulous that I'd never heard the song, when he tried to teach Jenelle how to play it, him playing it countless times at his house and at mine. The times he made me cry by playing it when I didn't want to talk, or when we were in a group to let me know that he was there for me if I needed him. Things got so messed up that last summer. I really miss the friend that promised me that he'd always be there and that the ring he gave me for my 18th birthday to signify that friendship.
I also found a picture taken at Jess' house years ago. Me and Josh. I remember the moment that picture was taken. I remember why I was so pinched looking and the trying to look normal while fighting with him not to tickle me. I saw it and thought of Trent. I've never liked to be tickled and that picture seemed to be proof of any guy I was close to who liked to ignore that fact.
So many reminders lately. It makes me want to take out Incubus and cry.
On other, brighter. and less ambiguous notes, I shook my funk (or at least most of it) and Easter was really nice. I spent the morning at church hanging with Chris and Angela and the kids. Our church puts out a cross with flowers and willow branches woven into a pattern over the wooden structure and after the final service, kids like picking the flowers off and playing with them. Luke (the 3rd of the kids, age 5, I believe) was being ultra snuggly with me -he always comes and gives me a hug first thing- and he gave me a red carnation and told me I should "wear it in [my] hair", behind my ear. It was a sweet gesture and I did as he asked to please him. I went to the store briefly to pick up some odds and ends I needed and made a small gift package for Trent, who'd given up sweets for Lent. We met at my grandparent's house where we hung out with them until their dinner was ready then drove over to his parents house where we had dinner and watched basketball and listened to his cousin's brainteasers and mind tricks. All in all good times all the way around.
Today was no different than usual except Mom is on spring break this week so she is around to make me feel guilty about being lazy. Class was alright, after class was good. The knee has progressed to a good point but he's still going to see a specialist. It's alright enough for normal household, domestic activities though. :)
Tomorrow I hope to finish re-reading Hamlet for class and then I can start working on my seminar paper wednesday during work. I'm starting to get excited for the end of the semester so I can read books I enjoy again. I hate not having time to read except the piles of books that I am required to read for classes. It will all be done soon enough though I suppose.