I Can't Keep This In Anymore
I hate Livejournals.
I hate venting on livejournals.
I tend to view it as little more than attention whoring, but I simply can not keep these emotions bottled up anymore. And seeing as how a clocktower is out of the question, this is the next best thing.
I am angy.
No, I a pissed off - relentlessly.
I have done nothing to deserve the state I find myself in now. Nothing. I believe in karma. I believe that what goes around comes around. Well what exactly have I done to deserve this?
Here I sit, alone. Know what I will do tomorrow with my day off? Sit alone. Know what I will do saturday and sunday after work? Sit alone. Monday? YOU GUESSED IT.
Parties? Not up here. Vacations? Not any money for those. Road trips? My car has two bad shocks, no AC and the driverside window doesnt roll down. And I dont have the money to get it fixed, nor do Ireally want to sink 800+ bucks into that car.
I hear people complain about the banality of 9-5 life, I would KILL for that now. AS I stand right now, I am in the same place I was when I was 17. Waiting tables, living at home, few (if any) friends and shaky, (if not crumbling) relationships. The only difference bewteen then and now is about 6K of varous forms of debt and a larger diploma on the wall. Fat lot of good that got me.
I'm tired of worrying about my future, because as I sit here I don't see one. I feel there is nothing. Before I walked into work today I sat in my car and though hard and long about what I was doing, where I was going. I thought about what had happened; why it had happened and what it meant for my immediate future. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't even conjure up the energy to weep. I zombied over to work, gave my change to a homeless man (fate's way of reminding me that my life isn't so bad - but not tonight) and worked my shit job. Yeah I made money, I'm making just enough money to be broke and keep me in neutral.
Fuck, neutral is generous. Neutral implies that my life has a working motor. My life is in park right now. Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me this summer knows how hard not finding a teaching job has been on me. Of course that is an exclusive group of people, specifically 2 people. For those who don't know, it has been hard. I simply did not expect things to shake out like this. I have tried to remain positive about my plight, but I simply can't do it anymore. I can't hide it anymore. And the one thing that I thought was going well for me just vanishes in the blink of an eye. Well fuck? What's next?
I'm just tired.
Tired of everything.
I hate venting on livejournals.
I tend to view it as little more than attention whoring, but I simply can not keep these emotions bottled up anymore. And seeing as how a clocktower is out of the question, this is the next best thing.
I am angy.
No, I a pissed off - relentlessly.
I have done nothing to deserve the state I find myself in now. Nothing. I believe in karma. I believe that what goes around comes around. Well what exactly have I done to deserve this?
Here I sit, alone. Know what I will do tomorrow with my day off? Sit alone. Know what I will do saturday and sunday after work? Sit alone. Monday? YOU GUESSED IT.
Parties? Not up here. Vacations? Not any money for those. Road trips? My car has two bad shocks, no AC and the driverside window doesnt roll down. And I dont have the money to get it fixed, nor do Ireally want to sink 800+ bucks into that car.
I hear people complain about the banality of 9-5 life, I would KILL for that now. AS I stand right now, I am in the same place I was when I was 17. Waiting tables, living at home, few (if any) friends and shaky, (if not crumbling) relationships. The only difference bewteen then and now is about 6K of varous forms of debt and a larger diploma on the wall. Fat lot of good that got me.
I'm tired of worrying about my future, because as I sit here I don't see one. I feel there is nothing. Before I walked into work today I sat in my car and though hard and long about what I was doing, where I was going. I thought about what had happened; why it had happened and what it meant for my immediate future. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't even conjure up the energy to weep. I zombied over to work, gave my change to a homeless man (fate's way of reminding me that my life isn't so bad - but not tonight) and worked my shit job. Yeah I made money, I'm making just enough money to be broke and keep me in neutral.
Fuck, neutral is generous. Neutral implies that my life has a working motor. My life is in park right now. Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me this summer knows how hard not finding a teaching job has been on me. Of course that is an exclusive group of people, specifically 2 people. For those who don't know, it has been hard. I simply did not expect things to shake out like this. I have tried to remain positive about my plight, but I simply can't do it anymore. I can't hide it anymore. And the one thing that I thought was going well for me just vanishes in the blink of an eye. Well fuck? What's next?
I'm just tired.
Tired of everything.