2007 in Review: "There's Beauty in the Breakdown"
It's that time now again, where we look at the first lines of each month in the past year as a brief overview of it. :)
2007
JANUARY: Sorry, I will not accept retaliation for pointing out your stupidity! grr! *hates people who rant about not getting comments on their gallery when people thank them for faves or devwatches* I know I'm right, so back off!
FEBRUARY: I'M ALIVE!
yes, I am. Or trying to. Lately I've been feeling a little anxious. Not sure why. Here let me blame something.
AH, my new lipstick. Yes, that must be it. $22 Shiseido lipstick.
MARCH: *sighs* There's just something about tangos that make me feel so much sadness, despite their playful notes. IT makes me think of past times and what could have been, or should have been, but never was. And it makes me think of the nice things that are now, but won't always be.
APRIL: Yesh! Tonight I get my computer back! I think...XD Yay! Thank you Bradley! I am so getting you a wedding gift! XD
MAY: ugh, I am totally hating finals. That is all.
JUNE: oh noes...JB found the dollmaker...again!
Eh, here's my tribute to Team 8. It's taken me hours just to get the guys done. Ugh. still not happy with Kiba. D: Hinata was pretty quick. Figured to go with a black and white scheme...
JULY: hm, I want to go out right now to see the sunrise, but alas, laziness won over. Actually, not laziness. To be honest, I feel like going out for a run at this hour. I tried sleeping, but thoughts and fears plagued my head and made me cry, that in the end I gave up and went on the comp to finish some drawings.
AUGUST: Woot, I went in and talked like an airhead, but it's over now. Yay. XD (At least I had an answer for every question.)
SEPTEMBER: Handy Pointers for comic book readers
Thank you. My sentiments exactly. (Though I cheap out at the last pointer...XD)
OCTOBER: *whimpers* I'm worried for my coworker. She was vomiting blood at work today. A LOT OF IT.
NOVEMBER: I'm dizzy and I'm suffering from indigestion...I feel slightly antsy. As though I drank a whole energy drink on an empty stomach. I have that weird sensation in my gut that I could break out into a bout of nervous giggling, yet my mood is pretty...er...dunno. uh...I really can't tell, not giggly? ^^;
DECEMBER: I feel sad.
My fave American comic book character Batgirl: Cassandra Cain is finally back in comics this week after almost two years since her own title ended and she was randomly made a villainess. (It was revealed she wasn't evil, cuz she was drugged/brainwashed this whole time). But her first scene in the comics "Outsiders" features her kicking a black lesbian character through a window and saying..."I was invited." ...:( Somehow...this feels wrong.
*scratching head* Well, gosh, I guess its safe to say that 2007 was a pretty nasty year for me. But on one hand it was good for me. It was year of empowerment, experimentation, and maturity.
I shaped up and kinda...broke out of my shell? I feel more mature/adult like. Not exactly wiser...but yes...a lot less impulsive. I'm also a lot braver in some respects and more cautious in others. I'm more proactive than reactive.
It all started in July really. I had a nervous breakdown when everything came to head as far as finances, school and work (or lack of it), but it woke me up. I took things into my own hands and accomplished a few goals and managed to redeem and improve myself. I'm still improving myself, but now I'm not as stupid as I was before. Definitely, not as emo. LOL. How I know things changed?
Since July...I haven't cried once. Five months...that's a record for me whose had a lifetime of crying. Mind you, I mostly cried alone in bed, hated to cry in public, but crying had become a common occurance near the end. I used to cry anytime something bad happened, or I got into a stumbling block or whenever my dad or family would upset me or well, for whatever reason, I couldn't help but feel like a victim and felt sorry for myself and just always felt weak and unable to do much. (good grief, I get it! I was like a shojo manga heroine, but without the love interest/conflict!)
But after that nervous breakdown...on my own...(I don't think anyone noticed that i had a nervous breakdown, happened early in the morning.)...I got up. That day, I was up and running. Looking for a new job, getting one within two weeks. Impressing my manager/coworkers and myself. I felt alive and determined. I applied for Metro and got pretty far in the application system. Started school soon after and applied myself more. btw, I got an A- on my Monday class, and a C- on my online class (mostly cuz I failed the first exam...damn that was a hard class, but I'm glad I aced the final exam anyhow, hee).
But yeah...the feelings of self-pity, angst, terror, low self-esteem thanks to peers and family...they weren't there anymore. Can I say I feel proud about that? It's so nice to not have that hanging over me anymore.
OH, I still got annoyed by things and mad at others...but I don't get sad...not like I used to. With regards to myself...I'm fine. I feel peace for once. My big brothers didn't matter, my father didn't matter, my future wasn't bleak, I just finally got my act together and I felt empowered. And YES, I finally graduated!
Only today...for the first time...did I feel like crying. It's mostly because my lil brother is going through something similar that I went through. But his is just so much more harsh. I almost felt despair taking a hold of me again because I felt I won't be able to help him in time, but I fought it. Faith rallied against despair and determination popped up again. My self-confidence stabbed away at self-doubts and my mental state of calm returned.
I can handle it. I'm still learning. Stumbling blocks will pop up, but if I work my ass off, it will pay off and I'll manage it. I'm pretty much alright. Things will get better one day. I just have to keep struggling in the meantime. It's healthy, it's normal, it's probably better in the long run too. I don't want to be a pampered princess. I want to be independant. So...big brother Jesse, I love you, but I cannot accept your offer. For various reasons. One of them being...I want to make my own path. I'm not like my brothers or sisters. Or anyone they're friends with. I don't know if I will become like them. At least...not exactly like them. But if I do...I want it to happen without the interference of my family. Let nature take its course. If its meant to be, it will be.
Basically, I just want to stand on my own two feet without anyone's assistance. Let me fail, because of me. not because "oh I didn't listen to you," or "oh, YOU didn't do a good enough job of helping me" or whatever. I don't want to owe or resent anyone.
I want to bloom on my own too.
So yeah, 2008, is looking to be a tough year too. Probably tougher because of finances and uncertainty ect. But ya know? I'm perfectly fine about it. This is an opportunity to grow beyond the person I am now. Every problem is a challenge that I'll work to overcome. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to get hurt, fall, but only because I want to get better at picking myself up again.
I'm like that butterfly that has to struggle to get out of its cocoon in order to fly. If a butterfly doesn't struggle to get out (like say someone helps them by ripping their cocoon open) their wings won't get blood flowing into the wings' veins...if they don't get blood flowing into them...their wings will be floppy and will not extend...they will dry up and the butterfly will be unable to fly. If it cannot fly, it will die.
I've been pampered/spoiled too long. I have to fly. But before I do, I gotta get dirty and hurt. Otherwise, I'll never be strong enough to live. No guts, no glory! And I want a decent life...for myself and my loved ones. I want to earn my life. :) Because I want to feel good about myself. :)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2007
JANUARY: Sorry, I will not accept retaliation for pointing out your stupidity! grr! *hates people who rant about not getting comments on their gallery when people thank them for faves or devwatches* I know I'm right, so back off!
FEBRUARY: I'M ALIVE!
yes, I am. Or trying to. Lately I've been feeling a little anxious. Not sure why. Here let me blame something.
AH, my new lipstick. Yes, that must be it. $22 Shiseido lipstick.
MARCH: *sighs* There's just something about tangos that make me feel so much sadness, despite their playful notes. IT makes me think of past times and what could have been, or should have been, but never was. And it makes me think of the nice things that are now, but won't always be.
APRIL: Yesh! Tonight I get my computer back! I think...XD Yay! Thank you Bradley! I am so getting you a wedding gift! XD
MAY: ugh, I am totally hating finals. That is all.
JUNE: oh noes...JB found the dollmaker...again!
Eh, here's my tribute to Team 8. It's taken me hours just to get the guys done. Ugh. still not happy with Kiba. D: Hinata was pretty quick. Figured to go with a black and white scheme...
JULY: hm, I want to go out right now to see the sunrise, but alas, laziness won over. Actually, not laziness. To be honest, I feel like going out for a run at this hour. I tried sleeping, but thoughts and fears plagued my head and made me cry, that in the end I gave up and went on the comp to finish some drawings.
AUGUST: Woot, I went in and talked like an airhead, but it's over now. Yay. XD (At least I had an answer for every question.)
SEPTEMBER: Handy Pointers for comic book readers
Thank you. My sentiments exactly. (Though I cheap out at the last pointer...XD)
OCTOBER: *whimpers* I'm worried for my coworker. She was vomiting blood at work today. A LOT OF IT.
NOVEMBER: I'm dizzy and I'm suffering from indigestion...I feel slightly antsy. As though I drank a whole energy drink on an empty stomach. I have that weird sensation in my gut that I could break out into a bout of nervous giggling, yet my mood is pretty...er...dunno. uh...I really can't tell, not giggly? ^^;
DECEMBER: I feel sad.
My fave American comic book character Batgirl: Cassandra Cain is finally back in comics this week after almost two years since her own title ended and she was randomly made a villainess. (It was revealed she wasn't evil, cuz she was drugged/brainwashed this whole time). But her first scene in the comics "Outsiders" features her kicking a black lesbian character through a window and saying..."I was invited." ...:( Somehow...this feels wrong.
*scratching head* Well, gosh, I guess its safe to say that 2007 was a pretty nasty year for me. But on one hand it was good for me. It was year of empowerment, experimentation, and maturity.
I shaped up and kinda...broke out of my shell? I feel more mature/adult like. Not exactly wiser...but yes...a lot less impulsive. I'm also a lot braver in some respects and more cautious in others. I'm more proactive than reactive.
It all started in July really. I had a nervous breakdown when everything came to head as far as finances, school and work (or lack of it), but it woke me up. I took things into my own hands and accomplished a few goals and managed to redeem and improve myself. I'm still improving myself, but now I'm not as stupid as I was before. Definitely, not as emo. LOL. How I know things changed?
Since July...I haven't cried once. Five months...that's a record for me whose had a lifetime of crying. Mind you, I mostly cried alone in bed, hated to cry in public, but crying had become a common occurance near the end. I used to cry anytime something bad happened, or I got into a stumbling block or whenever my dad or family would upset me or well, for whatever reason, I couldn't help but feel like a victim and felt sorry for myself and just always felt weak and unable to do much. (good grief, I get it! I was like a shojo manga heroine, but without the love interest/conflict!)
But after that nervous breakdown...on my own...(I don't think anyone noticed that i had a nervous breakdown, happened early in the morning.)...I got up. That day, I was up and running. Looking for a new job, getting one within two weeks. Impressing my manager/coworkers and myself. I felt alive and determined. I applied for Metro and got pretty far in the application system. Started school soon after and applied myself more. btw, I got an A- on my Monday class, and a C- on my online class (mostly cuz I failed the first exam...damn that was a hard class, but I'm glad I aced the final exam anyhow, hee).
But yeah...the feelings of self-pity, angst, terror, low self-esteem thanks to peers and family...they weren't there anymore. Can I say I feel proud about that? It's so nice to not have that hanging over me anymore.
OH, I still got annoyed by things and mad at others...but I don't get sad...not like I used to. With regards to myself...I'm fine. I feel peace for once. My big brothers didn't matter, my father didn't matter, my future wasn't bleak, I just finally got my act together and I felt empowered. And YES, I finally graduated!
Only today...for the first time...did I feel like crying. It's mostly because my lil brother is going through something similar that I went through. But his is just so much more harsh. I almost felt despair taking a hold of me again because I felt I won't be able to help him in time, but I fought it. Faith rallied against despair and determination popped up again. My self-confidence stabbed away at self-doubts and my mental state of calm returned.
I can handle it. I'm still learning. Stumbling blocks will pop up, but if I work my ass off, it will pay off and I'll manage it. I'm pretty much alright. Things will get better one day. I just have to keep struggling in the meantime. It's healthy, it's normal, it's probably better in the long run too. I don't want to be a pampered princess. I want to be independant. So...big brother Jesse, I love you, but I cannot accept your offer. For various reasons. One of them being...I want to make my own path. I'm not like my brothers or sisters. Or anyone they're friends with. I don't know if I will become like them. At least...not exactly like them. But if I do...I want it to happen without the interference of my family. Let nature take its course. If its meant to be, it will be.
Basically, I just want to stand on my own two feet without anyone's assistance. Let me fail, because of me. not because "oh I didn't listen to you," or "oh, YOU didn't do a good enough job of helping me" or whatever. I don't want to owe or resent anyone.
I want to bloom on my own too.
So yeah, 2008, is looking to be a tough year too. Probably tougher because of finances and uncertainty ect. But ya know? I'm perfectly fine about it. This is an opportunity to grow beyond the person I am now. Every problem is a challenge that I'll work to overcome. I want to get my hands dirty. I want to get hurt, fall, but only because I want to get better at picking myself up again.
I'm like that butterfly that has to struggle to get out of its cocoon in order to fly. If a butterfly doesn't struggle to get out (like say someone helps them by ripping their cocoon open) their wings won't get blood flowing into the wings' veins...if they don't get blood flowing into them...their wings will be floppy and will not extend...they will dry up and the butterfly will be unable to fly. If it cannot fly, it will die.
I've been pampered/spoiled too long. I have to fly. But before I do, I gotta get dirty and hurt. Otherwise, I'll never be strong enough to live. No guts, no glory! And I want a decent life...for myself and my loved ones. I want to earn my life. :) Because I want to feel good about myself. :)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!