Proud and blown
I had an encounter earlier today.
I was in my gym class, and their marketing leans heavily toward sexy/sultry/sexual/HIGHLY sexualized (and, imo, objectified). Okay. Fine. I like the classes and I like the people, so I ignore it. Not my cuppa, but whatever.
Today on the front mirror, right in the center, was this photo of a man (the owner) and a woman (a new addition, I believe -- a business partner sort?). He was in profile, leaning in and looking down toward her. She was looking away, with parted lips, etc. Not my cuppa, but whatever. To catch it in my peripheral vision, what I saw was: looming man, retreating woman.
I was really, really uncomfortable with it. And because I couldn't look away from it -- it was in front -- I spent the last twenty minutes of class talking myself out of just leaving. Afterward I looked for H, who has been awesome. (It's an all female staff; the boss runs a different one, and only comes in once a week to teach a self defense class.) I couldn't find her, so I left and sent this text:
"Hi, H! I just let class extremely disturbed. I wanted to talk to you in person but didn't see you there. Text works, though. The poster pinned to the mirror - I assume announcing his new business partner? - is really creepy. He looks like he's about to strike or rape that woman, and she looks like she's cringing away (unless yous tare at it, which, since we're busy exercising, I assume most aren't.) I spent the last twenty minutes of class telling myself not to just leave and staring at the floor. I'm not a victim of sexual violence, but one out of three are, so I imagine I'm not the only one with this reaction. I know you're not the head bossman, but can it at least be moved? Thank you. - Jenna"
I didn't think this was going to be a huge deal, so I didn't worry about careful phrasing. I should have.
She called me an hour later fuming. Turns out the guy in the photo -- the head bossman -- is her mentor, she feels like a brother toward him, she thought I was saying he WAS a rapist/abuser, she was pissed because she is an assault survivor several times over and she doesn't feel that way, she said I clearly pick up on the negative things, that I'm obviously not a good fit for their gym, that she's not comfortable with me being there, that I was disrespectful of Head Bossman and the gym -- on and on. Now, mind you, she didn't just lay into me. We had an almost good communication conversation. It went something like this:
H: "Jenna, I got your text, and I was -- well, I feel like it's a little rude. Head Bossman isn't like that, and that's a little disrespectful."
Me: "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I don't think Head Bossman is like that, but that picture is disturbing. I assume the intent was to be sexy and beautiful, but it isn't coming off that way to everyone."
H: "Maybe this gym isn't a good fit for you. We pride ourselves on being sexy and we like that look."
Me: "I know that, and I have no problem with your other posters. Many of them are quite beautiful. But that one really bothered me."
H: "Well, I don't see that. No one else has said anything -- maybe they're just trying to be nice -- but maybe you're just looking at it negatively."
And so on. What I gleaned between the lines of our twenty minute conversation was this:
H is 24, and hasn't learned how to separate "this picture looks bad," with "this person in this picture IS bad and all of you are bad for liking this picture."
I believe the gym has gotten flak in the past for objectifying women, and I think they (or at least H) is on the defensive.
...yeah, that's about it. I actually felt really bad for H. She vacillated between professional and obviously quite upset at what I was saying, and she had a REALLY hard time hearing what I was saying (which is why, in part, we were on the phone for twenty minutes) as opposed to what she THOUGHT I was saying.
So, in the future I'll either talk to someone or carefully police my words in text and not assume it's not a big deal. Good lesson for me. In the meantime, I'm VERY proud of myself for keeping my cool during that entire conversation. I didn't get frustrated or defensive (a couple of times I started to, but was able to stop), I didn't exaggerate things to make my point, I listened to her side -- I was the person I want to be. So I'm really proud of myself for that. I think we got ourselves sorted in the end. I doubt I'm welcome back at that gym anyway, because H is 24 and, at 24, I harbored bad feelings so I'm assuming (there I go again!) that she would rather I not be there. Since she's the manager...
That said, I'm totally blown. I mean, totally, TOTALLY blown. I always kind of thought that when I did the right thing and kept my cool and was proud of my actions and didn't say or do something hurtful or stupid in the heat of the moment that I'd walk away and be okay. But no, I'm blown. I've thought about it all day long, spinning different moments and lines in my head. I've considered texting H again, and when I stop and think, "Why? Why am I doing this? What do I want to achieve?" I realize it's the co-dependent bit that wants everyone to like me.
H and I did talk about Head Bossman. She said (and she sounded very frustrated to me), "Why don't you talk to Head Bossman about it?" to which I responded, "it's not likely. I know you really respect him, and I'm glad for that, but he's got quite a few bad things said about him on Yelp." She got upset (no surprise, given he's her mentor), and among other things said, "You'll believe what a bunch of strangers say without talking to the person?" (She also championed his character.) I told her she was right, I shouldn't do that, and thanked her. (I also, a bit later, told her that I still didn't like that poster. My line I kept repeating was variations on this: "I believe the intent is to look sexy, but it isn't working. I have had good intentions before that people told me were hurtful in the end, and so I changed what I was doing. It doesn't make him a bad person. I believe his intent was good, but it didn't work.") Between that, and the fact that around then I think she finally started to sorta kinda understand what I was saying -- even if she didn't agree with it -- we ended the conversation on a decent, if strained, note.
So, I thought about talking to Head Bossman. A lot. On the one hand, I'm no longer welcome at that gym, so my initial purpose - to get the poster moved so I don't have to look at it - no longer matters. On the other hand, in NOT talking to Head Bossman, I'm doing exactly what everyone does: I have a problem, I'm made to feel like I'm alone, I don't address the problem with the people who matter, they may or may not realize there even IS a problem.
Also, if H is right and he's a good guy, he might want to know that his poster isn't necessarily conveying what he'd hoped. (I doubt this will happen, even if he's a nice guy. I kind of expect that if he's a nice guy he'll say, "Thank you but I disagree," and if he's an ass I'll have an asshole response.) It also means that however he responds, I'll go update my Yelp review to reflect that.
Finally, I think I will text H just to say, "I thought about what you said re: yelp and assumptions, and you're right so I contacted Head Bossman. Thanks." Because it's always good to know when you did get through to someone, and she was right about that. I shouldn't assume about him (even though, based on what others have said on Yelp and his marketing, I kind of still am).
This is the email I hopefully sent to Head Bossman (through the "contact us" link on their website):
**
Hi, [name]! (I hope this gets to [name], anyway.)
I spoke with H about moving a poster (I'll explain why in a minute) and she suggested I talk with you. She is quite your champion, and speaks very highly of you! As I don't believe I'm welcome at the gym any longer (I'll explain that, too), it's no longer about moving the poster. I almost didn't email, but finally thought that if I had an ad that was sending the wrong message, I would want to know.
So, here's the story. You guys have lots of very sexy pictures up. While not my taste, I know a lot of other people like it and I have no beef with this. I'm saying this up front because H seemed to think I did have a problem with it. I did notice the new black and red poster of yourself and a blond woman -- I'm sorry, I've forgotten her name -- and it did seem, to me, alarmingly threatening and aggressive. I believe that isn't the intent. I believe the intent is to look sexy, seductive, and attractive. (If my ad was sending a message I didn't intend, I would want to know.) My original purpose in talking to H was to see if we could just move it off the mirror, because while I see it negatively, I realize not everyone else does. I figured maybe on a side wall those who liked it could see it, and since it bothered me I could just not look at it. (Hard to not look at it when it's right in front of you!)
I think H thought I was criticizing you as a person, and though we spoke for twenty minutes and hopefully got that sorted out, I don't believe she would be happy if I went back to the gym. (I'm sad about this, as I LOVE your gym. But I'm moving to the East Bay in a couple of weeks anyway, so I guess it's not the end of the world!)
Anyway, my original purpose was to move the poster, but that's a moot point now. Still, I look at the poster and see "looming man, cringing woman," instead of "hot and sexy," and if I do, others probably do, too. I thought I'd let you know, because I know that's not your intent!
Thanks,
J
**
So. Now I've processed this all out. I'm hoping I can stop thinking about it. I'm hoping a glass of wine, television, and eventually a sleeping pill will help. I'm kind of bummed that being proud of myself doesn't automatically mean I'm not emotionally drained. Even though things with H were well, considering, and we ended on a decent note, I'm still reeling. I keep thinking about it, not in a, "I should have said," or "shouldn't have said," way, but just... thinking. Re-playing it. Imagining what I could do, and then stopping to remind myself that I don't need them to like me, that I did the right thing, that it's okay. That this was actually good. A learning experience for me, and I'm proud of my actions. And if they are upset, that is not my fault: I did my part, stayed calm and compassionate, encouraged and congratulated when appropriate, listened, and explained my point. I can't do any better than that.
I'm still blown. >.< Yeesh.
J