(no subject)
So... I've been snappish lately. Cranky. Snarly. Irritable. I'd like to say it's been PMS, and I think that's part of it, but it's certainly not all of it.
The thing is, I don't know WHY I'm cranky. I'm cranky at myself, too, especially when someone offers helpful advice (usually the kind that assumes a lack of knowledge about something I have a lot of knowledge on) and I feel preached at/lectured/condescended to/assumed ignorant.
Generally this annoys me anyway, but it's a minor sort of vague annoyance, and I can shrug it off as someone trying to be helpful, and my perceptions skewing it. (Or just someone trying to be helpful.) Lately, I have a harder time with this.
I've been able to keep it from spilling out (I think), but that doesn't stop me from feeling it. It's that feeling I don't like. That instant irritation, verging on anger, over something that I really have no reason to be angry about. It's probably a sign that I need to read more happy head books, or find a spiritual community I can visit every so often, or... I don't know. Something where I can get in touch with the parts of me I like, the parts that are loving and optimistic and assume the best, rather than the worst.
And that's it, really: I keep assuming the worst, and it's wearing on me. I keep sleeping poorly, and keep having anxiety dreams. This is a chicken-or-egg scenario: are my poor sleep and bad dreams making me cranky? Or vice versa?
It's a rough time period for me, too. I'm trying to balance friends, girlfriend, lots of driving time between each, and work, I'm grieving my perceived loss of family this holiday season, I'm trying to support various people in various situations, and I'm trying to make some lifestyle changes: making sure I exercise (even when I have reasons not to -- because those reasons invariably become a habit, or crop up often), cooking and eating better.
I'm feeling very isolated. I have 4 friends and a girlfriend in the area. K works 10 hour days Mon-Thurs, so I don't see her much during the week, and she's with her boyfriend (and I'm with my girlfriend) on the weekends. C lives half an hour away, but I can see her during the day, and N and R (who live together) live an hour away and I don't generally hear from them. (N is currently in another state with his mother, who's dying, and R is working and, I'm guessing, writing with some other friends of ours.) To be fair: I'm lousy at remembering to contact them, too.
Anyway. I've been going up to Quin's every other week Weds-Sat night, which is adding to my isolation: I could go see R and N, because they're about the same distance away (an hour), but it costs bridge tolls and I have to time it carefully with traffic. When I'm at Quin's, K is an hour away, and has a boyfriend she's spending time with, and C is suddenly an hour and a half away.
A typical two week stretch looks like this for me:
Monday - Drive home from Quin's, train dogs, see Quin that night when she arrives.
Tuesday - Writing day. I almost always have this evening to myself; I get things done. This would be a good evening to see people: I keep thinking I'd hit traffic, but I'd be going the opposite way of the flow of traffic, so it might work out. Often, however, I'm so exhausted from the weekend still that I don't want to go visiting at night.
Weds - dog training. I often work this evening, and if I don't I go to Quin's.
Thurs/Fri - If I didn't head up the night before, I'll head up to Quin's Thurs. These are writing days.
Fri night - kids arrive.
Sat - We do family stuff. I head home in the evening.
Sunday - dog training, generally a REALLY LONG DAY. I'm home this evening, but exhausted.
Monday - Train dogs. Quin arrives in the evening for her Tues morning job.
Tuesday - writing day, evening to myself, but exhausted.
Weds - Dog training. I probably won't see Quin. It's often a long day.
Thurs - Dancing! Will probably drive straight to Quin's house, since I'm halfway there.
Fri - Writing day, and heading home. Quin will probably join me tonight.
Sat - dog training. REALLY LONG DAY. Head up to Quin's.
Sunday - At Quin's. Errands, shopping, all the zillion things I didn't have time to do this week. I'll head home Mon morning.
Which all basically means... I'm spending a lot of time at Quin's, or she's spending a lot of time here. She seems able to meet her buddies after work in SF, but my buddies either work longer hours or are farther away, or I'm working (Mon and Weds evenings are often out, as are either Sat or Sun). It's hard to schedule things, too; I can schedule to see a friend on a Monday evening, but given the nature of my job I feel like if I get a client for that evening, I need to take it. I don't want to constantly cancel on my friends.
Another part of the problem is the high exhaustion level of both my jobs. I work with aggressive dogs and teaching owners: it's a very intensive job, so even if I have a Mon, Weds or weekend night free, I'm usually too tired to do more than go home, eat something, and go to bed. On writing days, those can last a few hours -- until noon, say -- or all day (5 or 6pm). If they last until noon, awesome! I get extra stuff done! But usually my friends have already made plans, and last minute plans aren't available. I try not to make hard plans for those evenings, because if it's been a long day then, again, I'll be exhausted. If I finish early, great. But again, those days are usually Thurs/Fri, when I'm at Quin's.
I could say I'll go to Quin's less, but we're trying to split the amount of time I'm here vs she's there (so one week I'm there a lot, and the next week she's here a lot). I tried to book in extra time to see N and R on Thursdays, because dancing doesn't start until late anyway, but I kept having long writing days and having to cancel.
I guess I'm feeling harried and hassled and isolated, and not seeing a simple way to fix it. Maybe I'll jot down a more readable version of my schedule and just email friends, and see if we can't set things up... There must be a way to do this. I'm pretty sure seeing people IRL will help my crankiness, too.
And for TODAY... it's 10am and I haven't eaten, exercised, or written much of anything (after being up half the night thinking about writing). ARGH.
J