(no subject)
Written as a promo for help_japan! A short story, told in very short chapters.
Sexual Harassment 101
1/?
Kirk/Spock, PG-13 with an eventual smutty bit for those who'd like to read it. ;)
When a conference on sexual harassment uncovers the fact that Kirk's position means he can't sleep with anyone on the ship, Spock comes up with a completely logical solution: human/Vulcan sex. Now Jim just has to convince Spock that, really, it won't work.
Sexual Harassment 101
Chapter one
"And that," Kirk finished, "is why I'm never going to have sex as long as we're on this mission." He sat back down heavily, kicking his legs out in front of him and crossing them at the ankles.
The room remained silent for a very long time.
"Yes," the lecturer said finally, her grip on the podium white-knuckled at the Captain's impromptu speech. "Your assessment of your situation is accurate. While some leeway is given to relationships that develop on starships more than twelve standard months from Earth, you may not have a courtship with anyone over whose position you have authority -- for you, everyone. I'm sorry." In the quiet room, the sound of her notes clicking off was remarkably loud. "I want to thank you all for attending." Not that it had been optional: it seemed there had been nothing but conferences on respect, how to deal with alien cultures, and sexual harassment in the workplace -- this most recent talk -- for the two weeks both before and after they headed off on their five-year exploratory mission.
Bones leaned toward Jim, keeping his voice low as he spoke. "It won't be that bad. I'm sure we'll find lots of human-compatible aliens you can seduce. Just as long as you don't hire them to stay on the ship."
Jim only groaned, letting his head fall against the back of the seat. He was pretty sure they made these chairs as uncomfortable as possible. Nowhere else aboard the Enterprise were the seats this hard and lumpy; only here, where the lectures were so boring people were at risk of falling asleep.
Around them crew members were already standing and leaving, feet shuffling along the sturdy carpet, clothes brushing up against each other. Clothes brushing. "God, it all makes me think of sex, now," Jim moaned to the softly lit ceiling.
The lecturer's voice came to him wryly; extra wry, he thought. He'd hit on her just before the sexual harassment conference had started. "I'm pretty sure that's a constant state for you, Captain Kirk."
Jim looked up, a smile falling to his lips before he had time to realize he was flirting. Again. He wiped it away.
"Technically, if it makes you feel better, no one on board should be having sex with anyone else on board," she continued. Her hair was a glossy black, almost blue under the soft glow of the lights. Her eyes were just as dark, and he itched to find out if her skin that was delightful mahogany color all over...
"But in reality, I'm the only person who can influence anyone's job," Jim pointed out. "I'm the only person who is above everyone else."
"Well..." She laughed, teeth perfectly aligned. "Yes." Her eyes twinkled. "The sacrifices you make for the Federation."
Jim groaned again and let his head flop back. "Now you're just tormenting me."
"Maybe." Her laughter as she left the room seemed to mock him.
Bones was laughing, too, the bastard, and he could hear Chekov and Sulu talking with Uhura. Uhura's clear tones were unmistakable; "I'm betting three weeks before we catch him masturbating in the captain's chair. After all, the ship is the only woman he can't blackmail, coerce, or threaten."
"You are not funny!" Jim said loudly, but of course they knew he was all bark and no bite; the three of them -- the unholy triad, he was starting to think -- just laughed as they headed back to their stations.
Spock -- flanking his left as if afraid to leave him alone with Bones, who flanked his right out of, Jim guessed, the same fear of leaving him alone with Spock -- spoke quietly. "Is this truly a problem for you, Jim? I know humans are ruled by their emotions, including desire and lust, and you more than most--"
"Hey!" Jim sat up and glared at Spock. "You make me sound like a horndog!"
"You are a horndog," Bones said, more dry than his favorite red wine. "For once I think the Vulcan's right. And I'd better get in on that bet -- more like two weeks than three."
Jim punched him, but Bones was already leaving. With a resigned sigh Jim heaved himself to his feet, trying not to notice the delicious ensign he'd been hitting on just that morning as she exited through a corner door. He slid out between the close-set chairs, Spock following. A glance over showed an uncharacteristic frown marring Spock's lean features, brows drawn in just a hair, a crease almost visible between them.
"What's wrong, Spock?" Jim asked. "You can't tell me you're worried about not getting laid, too." Not after Spock and Uhura had broken up because, according to mess hall gossip, Spock hadn't been putting out enough.
One of Spock's eyebrows winged upward at least a centimeter, and the frown vanished. "I have full control of my physical requirements."
"Good thing," Jim said. "Because as first commander, the only person you can hit on without it being threatening is me."
And there was the frown again, a midway look in Spock's eyes as if he were staring at numbers, crunching along in that brainiac skull of his. "Indeed," he said softly. "It is most certainly a concern."
**
It had been a week since the sexual harassment conference, and Jim had decided that the only way to deal with pent up sexual energy -- other than the obvious means, which he did as often as possible (but never in the captain's chair, or anywhere else that wasn't his quarters) -- was to go to the gym.
He'd been going to the gym twice a day, both before and after his shift on the bridge, and he had to say that at least when they did find an alien civilization with compatible female-creatures, no one would be able to fault his physique. Hell, at that point the only way he'd strike out was if he were so desperate that he flung himself at the nearest woman and forgot all sense of subtlety. Probably create an international incident, while he was at it.
He chuckled to himself just thinking about it. It wasn't really that terrible, of course, but complaining about it -- and allowing the crew to take bets on when he'd lose his cool -- sure seemed to improve ship morale. Heck, he was happy to be the butt of a running joke if it made people chuckle that much. They all knew he was kidding around. At least, he assumed they all knew he was kidding around. Sometimes he wasn't so sure about Chekov; at seventeen, anything having to do with sex took on mythical proportions. Busy as Chekov had been in his young life, what with being a tot genius and all, he doubted the kid had even made it to first base. Maybe that was where he'd start spending his sexual energy: finding someone for poor Chekov to woo and, hopefully, lay. If he couldn't court and bed people himself, he might as well live vicariously through someone who could. Have to find the right person for the kid, of course, which also meant someone in a job far enough removed from Chekov's that there wouldn't be any conflict of interest.
Jim was still contemplating the best way to go about it when he stepped into the Captain's quarters, a nice little apartment only slightly smaller than the one he'd roomed in with Bones while they'd been at the Academy. He shared a bathroom with Spock, but that was all right; at least he had a bathroom. Even Chekov and Sulu had to share with other officers, and anyone lower than them in the pecking order had to share with twenty or more people.
After rubbing sweat out of his hair, Jim tossed his towel in the general direction of the laundry shoot and headed for his bedroom. He was shucking off his undershirt when someone knocked at the bathroom door, and since there was only one someone on the other side...
"Come on in, Spock."
The door opened with the soft whisper of hydraulics and Spock stepped in, immaculate as always in his crisp uniform. Heat slipped in with him from his rooms, kept at Vulcan-standard temperatures. "Jim."
The single word was somehow formal. Everything Spock did carried a deliberate formality, even weeks after they'd set sail. Jim's mouth twitched upward at the corners. "Spock," he replied back, gently teasing in his imitation. He ducked his head under the ion-spray from the shower, still wearing pants but getting off the worst of the sweat that had gathered in his hair.
Spock hesitated, and Jim could almost hear the calculations running madly in his little Vulcan head: Is he teasing? Is this a human thing? Except, of course, Spock would never so much as think the word 'thing.' He'd be much more precise.
"I have been considering your sexual troubles," Spock said.
It was a damn good thing it was an ion-shower instead of a water shower, Jim considered. Otherwise he'd have splashed water all over himself. Instead, he pulled his head out of the shower and stared at his first commander. "Excuse me?"
Spock looked utterly earnest, in a Spock sort of way. Serious, at least, as if they were discussing the best way to get around a meteor storm at warp 2, or playing 3D chess (during which Spock always looked serious, even when Jim was losing terribly). "I have been considering your sexual problems, and I believe I have come to a logical solution," Spock repeated, as if unsure whether Jim had misheard or not.
"Yeah, I caught that." Jim laughed; what else did you do when your Vulcan commander was trying to discuss your sex life with you? "I wasn't aware I had problems."
"Of course. Being human you are heavily influenced, even occasionally ruled, by your emotions and desires. In specific, you seem to have a far greater sex drive than other human males of your same age and health. A prolonged time period without a release of this sex drive may affect your ability to focus on other things, and impair your judgment when making important decisions. On a mission of our length and magnitude, I do not believe it is wise for your judgment to become impaired."
This was definitely not a conversation he was prepared to have while wearing nothing but his pants. Jim swallowed, blinked, and headed for the door to his quarters. He wasn't surprised when Spock followed him. "While I appreciate your, uh, concern," he said, trying hard to maintain a serious facade -- he really had been paying attention in those lectures on respecting alien overtures and cultural misconceptions -- "I can promise you that I've been, er, 'releasing' on a semi-regular basis," make that a very regular basis, "and I'm not that ruled by my--" pecker "--desires, anyway." There was his shirt. He scooped it off the floor and shoved his arms into it, stretching it over his head and pulling it down.
"The concerns of the bridge crew would indicate otherwise," Spock said.
"They're kidding, Spock." Jim turned to face him. Spock looked dubious; a slight tensing around the brows, ears pulled back ever so slightly, as if his brain was hurting. "Look, really--"
"Even if you are releasing your sexual tension on a semi-regular basis, there is a significant difference in the satisfaction levels created by intercourse with one's self as opposed to the intimacy and creativity in intercourse with another being. I'm afraid that--"
He really couldn't take this anymore. "Spock. Are you here just to tell me you're worried, or was there a point to this, uh, meeting?"
Spock straightened, which was really rather remarkable given how straight he'd been before. "I have a proposal to allay your needs and help you remain focused on our mission."
Jim gave a small half laugh -- it was that or stare gaping like a fish -- and shook his head in bemusement. "Okay. Let's hear it."
"I propose we should engage in intercourse."
Somewhere between 'propose,' and 'intercourse,' Jim's brain stalled and refused to boot back up. He winced, rubbing his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. "Spock--"
"Is your judgment impaired?" Spock took half a step forward.
Jim took half a step back. "Not right at this moment, no."
"You do seem as if you are having difficulty contemplating the merits of my proposal."
"Not because my judgment is impaired," Jim clarified, probably a bit louder than he really needed to. But God damn, it wasn't every day he got this sort of a proposition. Hell, he'd never had this sort of a proposition. Jim shook his head, trying to get past shock and onto something useful. Logic. Logic was useful when dealing with Spock. "Uh, I do appreciate your concern, but sex with you -- you do mean you, right?"
Spock looked mildly offended. "Of course. I wouldn't suggest someone else."
"Of course. Well, sex with you would still be sexual harassment, see, because you aren't a captain." There. That was perfectly logical.
"While you are correct, I believe my ability to not become emotionally entangled and to separate work and our personal lives will help in this particular issue. I'm aware that it would make no logical sense for you to use a relationship against me, nor would you be able to blackmail or coerce me. Finally, it is not possible to make me feel pressured or uncomfortable, as those are human reactions I am not susceptible to." Spock spread his hands, presenting his case. "I am the perfect person to relieve your sexual frustration with."
In all the things Pike had prepared him for, this was not one of them. Jim rubbed his forehead again, then finally decided that the best course of action was, in this case, non-action. "Thank you, Spock. I'll take your offer under advisement."
Spock inclined his head, apparently appeased. "Then I'll leave you to your ablutions."
Thank God. Jim waited until the door had closed behind Spock, then leaned against the wall in relief. Damn, he was going to have to read up on the sexual harassment ins and outs on a starship. If he knew Spock, he knew this wasn't just going to go away.
****************
Author's note: Hi! I'm back! And I'm auctioning off a fic of your choice over at help_japan! The money goes to, you guessed it, help Japan after their crisis, and you get a fic written by yours truly. Sound too good to be true? It isn't! You can see what it's about at the comm page, or just go bid on my entry! Bidding closes on the 26th, so hurry over!
JB
Sexual Harassment 101
1/?
Kirk/Spock, PG-13 with an eventual smutty bit for those who'd like to read it. ;)
When a conference on sexual harassment uncovers the fact that Kirk's position means he can't sleep with anyone on the ship, Spock comes up with a completely logical solution: human/Vulcan sex. Now Jim just has to convince Spock that, really, it won't work.
Sexual Harassment 101
Chapter one
"And that," Kirk finished, "is why I'm never going to have sex as long as we're on this mission." He sat back down heavily, kicking his legs out in front of him and crossing them at the ankles.
The room remained silent for a very long time.
"Yes," the lecturer said finally, her grip on the podium white-knuckled at the Captain's impromptu speech. "Your assessment of your situation is accurate. While some leeway is given to relationships that develop on starships more than twelve standard months from Earth, you may not have a courtship with anyone over whose position you have authority -- for you, everyone. I'm sorry." In the quiet room, the sound of her notes clicking off was remarkably loud. "I want to thank you all for attending." Not that it had been optional: it seemed there had been nothing but conferences on respect, how to deal with alien cultures, and sexual harassment in the workplace -- this most recent talk -- for the two weeks both before and after they headed off on their five-year exploratory mission.
Bones leaned toward Jim, keeping his voice low as he spoke. "It won't be that bad. I'm sure we'll find lots of human-compatible aliens you can seduce. Just as long as you don't hire them to stay on the ship."
Jim only groaned, letting his head fall against the back of the seat. He was pretty sure they made these chairs as uncomfortable as possible. Nowhere else aboard the Enterprise were the seats this hard and lumpy; only here, where the lectures were so boring people were at risk of falling asleep.
Around them crew members were already standing and leaving, feet shuffling along the sturdy carpet, clothes brushing up against each other. Clothes brushing. "God, it all makes me think of sex, now," Jim moaned to the softly lit ceiling.
The lecturer's voice came to him wryly; extra wry, he thought. He'd hit on her just before the sexual harassment conference had started. "I'm pretty sure that's a constant state for you, Captain Kirk."
Jim looked up, a smile falling to his lips before he had time to realize he was flirting. Again. He wiped it away.
"Technically, if it makes you feel better, no one on board should be having sex with anyone else on board," she continued. Her hair was a glossy black, almost blue under the soft glow of the lights. Her eyes were just as dark, and he itched to find out if her skin that was delightful mahogany color all over...
"But in reality, I'm the only person who can influence anyone's job," Jim pointed out. "I'm the only person who is above everyone else."
"Well..." She laughed, teeth perfectly aligned. "Yes." Her eyes twinkled. "The sacrifices you make for the Federation."
Jim groaned again and let his head flop back. "Now you're just tormenting me."
"Maybe." Her laughter as she left the room seemed to mock him.
Bones was laughing, too, the bastard, and he could hear Chekov and Sulu talking with Uhura. Uhura's clear tones were unmistakable; "I'm betting three weeks before we catch him masturbating in the captain's chair. After all, the ship is the only woman he can't blackmail, coerce, or threaten."
"You are not funny!" Jim said loudly, but of course they knew he was all bark and no bite; the three of them -- the unholy triad, he was starting to think -- just laughed as they headed back to their stations.
Spock -- flanking his left as if afraid to leave him alone with Bones, who flanked his right out of, Jim guessed, the same fear of leaving him alone with Spock -- spoke quietly. "Is this truly a problem for you, Jim? I know humans are ruled by their emotions, including desire and lust, and you more than most--"
"Hey!" Jim sat up and glared at Spock. "You make me sound like a horndog!"
"You are a horndog," Bones said, more dry than his favorite red wine. "For once I think the Vulcan's right. And I'd better get in on that bet -- more like two weeks than three."
Jim punched him, but Bones was already leaving. With a resigned sigh Jim heaved himself to his feet, trying not to notice the delicious ensign he'd been hitting on just that morning as she exited through a corner door. He slid out between the close-set chairs, Spock following. A glance over showed an uncharacteristic frown marring Spock's lean features, brows drawn in just a hair, a crease almost visible between them.
"What's wrong, Spock?" Jim asked. "You can't tell me you're worried about not getting laid, too." Not after Spock and Uhura had broken up because, according to mess hall gossip, Spock hadn't been putting out enough.
One of Spock's eyebrows winged upward at least a centimeter, and the frown vanished. "I have full control of my physical requirements."
"Good thing," Jim said. "Because as first commander, the only person you can hit on without it being threatening is me."
And there was the frown again, a midway look in Spock's eyes as if he were staring at numbers, crunching along in that brainiac skull of his. "Indeed," he said softly. "It is most certainly a concern."
**
It had been a week since the sexual harassment conference, and Jim had decided that the only way to deal with pent up sexual energy -- other than the obvious means, which he did as often as possible (but never in the captain's chair, or anywhere else that wasn't his quarters) -- was to go to the gym.
He'd been going to the gym twice a day, both before and after his shift on the bridge, and he had to say that at least when they did find an alien civilization with compatible female-creatures, no one would be able to fault his physique. Hell, at that point the only way he'd strike out was if he were so desperate that he flung himself at the nearest woman and forgot all sense of subtlety. Probably create an international incident, while he was at it.
He chuckled to himself just thinking about it. It wasn't really that terrible, of course, but complaining about it -- and allowing the crew to take bets on when he'd lose his cool -- sure seemed to improve ship morale. Heck, he was happy to be the butt of a running joke if it made people chuckle that much. They all knew he was kidding around. At least, he assumed they all knew he was kidding around. Sometimes he wasn't so sure about Chekov; at seventeen, anything having to do with sex took on mythical proportions. Busy as Chekov had been in his young life, what with being a tot genius and all, he doubted the kid had even made it to first base. Maybe that was where he'd start spending his sexual energy: finding someone for poor Chekov to woo and, hopefully, lay. If he couldn't court and bed people himself, he might as well live vicariously through someone who could. Have to find the right person for the kid, of course, which also meant someone in a job far enough removed from Chekov's that there wouldn't be any conflict of interest.
Jim was still contemplating the best way to go about it when he stepped into the Captain's quarters, a nice little apartment only slightly smaller than the one he'd roomed in with Bones while they'd been at the Academy. He shared a bathroom with Spock, but that was all right; at least he had a bathroom. Even Chekov and Sulu had to share with other officers, and anyone lower than them in the pecking order had to share with twenty or more people.
After rubbing sweat out of his hair, Jim tossed his towel in the general direction of the laundry shoot and headed for his bedroom. He was shucking off his undershirt when someone knocked at the bathroom door, and since there was only one someone on the other side...
"Come on in, Spock."
The door opened with the soft whisper of hydraulics and Spock stepped in, immaculate as always in his crisp uniform. Heat slipped in with him from his rooms, kept at Vulcan-standard temperatures. "Jim."
The single word was somehow formal. Everything Spock did carried a deliberate formality, even weeks after they'd set sail. Jim's mouth twitched upward at the corners. "Spock," he replied back, gently teasing in his imitation. He ducked his head under the ion-spray from the shower, still wearing pants but getting off the worst of the sweat that had gathered in his hair.
Spock hesitated, and Jim could almost hear the calculations running madly in his little Vulcan head: Is he teasing? Is this a human thing? Except, of course, Spock would never so much as think the word 'thing.' He'd be much more precise.
"I have been considering your sexual troubles," Spock said.
It was a damn good thing it was an ion-shower instead of a water shower, Jim considered. Otherwise he'd have splashed water all over himself. Instead, he pulled his head out of the shower and stared at his first commander. "Excuse me?"
Spock looked utterly earnest, in a Spock sort of way. Serious, at least, as if they were discussing the best way to get around a meteor storm at warp 2, or playing 3D chess (during which Spock always looked serious, even when Jim was losing terribly). "I have been considering your sexual problems, and I believe I have come to a logical solution," Spock repeated, as if unsure whether Jim had misheard or not.
"Yeah, I caught that." Jim laughed; what else did you do when your Vulcan commander was trying to discuss your sex life with you? "I wasn't aware I had problems."
"Of course. Being human you are heavily influenced, even occasionally ruled, by your emotions and desires. In specific, you seem to have a far greater sex drive than other human males of your same age and health. A prolonged time period without a release of this sex drive may affect your ability to focus on other things, and impair your judgment when making important decisions. On a mission of our length and magnitude, I do not believe it is wise for your judgment to become impaired."
This was definitely not a conversation he was prepared to have while wearing nothing but his pants. Jim swallowed, blinked, and headed for the door to his quarters. He wasn't surprised when Spock followed him. "While I appreciate your, uh, concern," he said, trying hard to maintain a serious facade -- he really had been paying attention in those lectures on respecting alien overtures and cultural misconceptions -- "I can promise you that I've been, er, 'releasing' on a semi-regular basis," make that a very regular basis, "and I'm not that ruled by my--" pecker "--desires, anyway." There was his shirt. He scooped it off the floor and shoved his arms into it, stretching it over his head and pulling it down.
"The concerns of the bridge crew would indicate otherwise," Spock said.
"They're kidding, Spock." Jim turned to face him. Spock looked dubious; a slight tensing around the brows, ears pulled back ever so slightly, as if his brain was hurting. "Look, really--"
"Even if you are releasing your sexual tension on a semi-regular basis, there is a significant difference in the satisfaction levels created by intercourse with one's self as opposed to the intimacy and creativity in intercourse with another being. I'm afraid that--"
He really couldn't take this anymore. "Spock. Are you here just to tell me you're worried, or was there a point to this, uh, meeting?"
Spock straightened, which was really rather remarkable given how straight he'd been before. "I have a proposal to allay your needs and help you remain focused on our mission."
Jim gave a small half laugh -- it was that or stare gaping like a fish -- and shook his head in bemusement. "Okay. Let's hear it."
"I propose we should engage in intercourse."
Somewhere between 'propose,' and 'intercourse,' Jim's brain stalled and refused to boot back up. He winced, rubbing his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. "Spock--"
"Is your judgment impaired?" Spock took half a step forward.
Jim took half a step back. "Not right at this moment, no."
"You do seem as if you are having difficulty contemplating the merits of my proposal."
"Not because my judgment is impaired," Jim clarified, probably a bit louder than he really needed to. But God damn, it wasn't every day he got this sort of a proposition. Hell, he'd never had this sort of a proposition. Jim shook his head, trying to get past shock and onto something useful. Logic. Logic was useful when dealing with Spock. "Uh, I do appreciate your concern, but sex with you -- you do mean you, right?"
Spock looked mildly offended. "Of course. I wouldn't suggest someone else."
"Of course. Well, sex with you would still be sexual harassment, see, because you aren't a captain." There. That was perfectly logical.
"While you are correct, I believe my ability to not become emotionally entangled and to separate work and our personal lives will help in this particular issue. I'm aware that it would make no logical sense for you to use a relationship against me, nor would you be able to blackmail or coerce me. Finally, it is not possible to make me feel pressured or uncomfortable, as those are human reactions I am not susceptible to." Spock spread his hands, presenting his case. "I am the perfect person to relieve your sexual frustration with."
In all the things Pike had prepared him for, this was not one of them. Jim rubbed his forehead again, then finally decided that the best course of action was, in this case, non-action. "Thank you, Spock. I'll take your offer under advisement."
Spock inclined his head, apparently appeased. "Then I'll leave you to your ablutions."
Thank God. Jim waited until the door had closed behind Spock, then leaned against the wall in relief. Damn, he was going to have to read up on the sexual harassment ins and outs on a starship. If he knew Spock, he knew this wasn't just going to go away.
****************
Author's note: Hi! I'm back! And I'm auctioning off a fic of your choice over at help_japan! The money goes to, you guessed it, help Japan after their crisis, and you get a fic written by yours truly. Sound too good to be true? It isn't! You can see what it's about at the comm page, or just go bid on my entry! Bidding closes on the 26th, so hurry over!
JB