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I didn't hit my writing deadline last night (my Sip was due), so I got up at 7 this morning to edit, polish, and send it early. It's now sent, will hopefully be picked up (I'll be SHOCKED if it isn't -- they said they needed people to write July 4 short stories, I emailed and asked if they still needed writers, and they said, "YES PLEASE WRITE ONE" so it's pretty much a done deal), and I'm finished for the morning.
Alas, I'm awake. Very awake. Unlikely-to-be-able-to-sleep awake. After about 7.5 hours of sleep last night, and roughly the same the night before. >.< Well! I'll give you all the long-awaited update on my life. (Totally long-awaited, right? ...Guys? ;-D)
Still dating Quin! I quite like her. More than I wanted to, really, but the panic is slowly receding. ;) Mostly because after my last post about panic, I talked to her about what makes me panic, and now I feel better. Just saying, "This worries me," even though there isn't a solution and even though it's a what-if worry (as in, not happening now, I just worry that it could happen, even though I also don't think it will) helps. Tonight we're going to see Into the Woods, and I'm so excited! :D
I talked to DK briefly last night, and it was awesome to hear from her. :) I also got my hands on a copy of her dissertation -- it's a review of butch literature, and so far I quite like it! It was totally dedicated in part to me. *slinks!*
Oh! Oh my gosh! You guys! I got my cover for Off Trail, and it KICKS ASS. I love the TQ cover artists. They always deliver on what I ask for, even when I have no idea how they're going to manage it. :D This cover has a sled and a doggie in a wheelchair! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (A dog that looks remarkably like Sam, actually, which makes me happy. :D) Off Trail comes out July 14! Don't forget! (As if I'll let you. Ha!)
Last weekend was extremely busy. I found out Saturday that they wanted help with the Sip (which I was a little annoyed at, actually, because I'd emailed them like TUESDAY. Finding out Saturday meant Saturday was already gone, I might have had time Sunday, Monday I worked most of the day, Tuesday I had to write, and Wednesday I worked all day. It was due Wednesday. *sighs* Still, they had an author back out at the last minute so it wasn't really their fault, and thanks to my mad writing speeds -- 5,600 words in one day and part of an evening! (Sunday was a bust for writing) -- it all worked out.).
Saturday Quin and I headed up to Sacramento, originally to go to the gay rodeo, but that turned into see her BBF (that would be Best Butch Friend. Ha! I crack myself up.), see her mom's horse show, and then head to the rodeo. I was already tense about the weekend -- in fact, I mentioned to her Saturday that I might need some time to myself during the day, and if I vanished to go "get something from the car" that was probably why and not to worry. I was looking at the day like this:
-Get up INSANELY EARLY (5:30 am). Have extreme lack of sleep.
-Be charming to new people who matter a lot to her.
-Be charming to her mom who I've met before, but still -- MOM.
-Go to gay rodeo and be surrounded by people, in the heat, ALL DAY.
-Go two-stepping, be charming, be surrounded by more people.
-Collapse.
Even though all these things are fun, being around lots of people is exhausting for me. As it ended up though, I thought the day was pretty awesome -- which is to say, lots of disappointing things happened, but it wasn't nearly as exhausting as I expected! Quin's BBF was really nice, breakfast was good (I had two breakfasts! Quin fed me when I got to her place, and then we met her BBF for breakfast in Sac), but there was a problem with the bill so it didn't come for forever. :( Because of that, we were late getting to her mom's show, and missed the class! :((( But I got to have horse talk and hug her mom's reiner, and we wandered around the show grounds. All this time some things were happening with Quin's friends, already at the rodeo, so she was stressed. We got TO the rodeo finally and started making things better with the friends, and... it was tiny. I was expecting something much bigger, but there were like six vendors (not counting the food vendors -- lots more of them) and it took up an acre total, even with the rodeo arena. There wasn't much of a crowd, so I didn't have my "!!!" reaction. We saw a friend get bucked off a bull and stamped on. OUCH. Seeing the way those bulls bucked, I was glad Quin wasn't competing!
The best part was watching the wrangler and his horse chase the bulls back into their pen, sometimes roping them to do so. He and his horse were the best team. I had envy. :D He was such an old-fashioned cowboy, though, it make me laugh and wince. I'm sure he can stick on anything, but man, he bounced enough to make my back hurt!
We were able to snag a friend's hotel room to clean up before two-stepping, and then had dinner with said friend, but then we couldn't find the two-stepping place. :( It was really poorly advertised, so that was a bummer. Two-stepping was going to be the highlight, really. Still, by that time it was so late I couldn't be too sad we were missing it (and we went two-stepping Sunday night, instead!). I did have this mini-crying break down in the hotel, and Quin gave me lots of hugs and cuddling until it was better. It was really weird. Allow me to explain...
While at the gay rodeo... Hm. How to start? First off, it was a GAY rodeo. I let my guard down, wasn't really wearing armor. To be honest, I can shrug off women flirting with me without armor. I didn't realize I had armor for when men flirted with me until I was heading toward the bleachers on my own, and this guy in a totally gay voice says, "You're really attractive!" Now, that just made me laugh. I took it for what I think it was: a compliment without any real intent. He was SO SO SO GAY. I laughed and said, "Thank you," purposefully cutting short my usual statement when someone I'm uninterested in flirts with me, which is, "Thank you, my girlfriend thinks so, too! *grin*" (This is my statement even when I'm not dating. It's easy and makes it clear I'm not interested.) So, I glanced up, laughed, and just said, "Thank you."
He responded with, "No, thank you." Now, I've gotten that before. When I'm wearing my armor, I just internally roll my eyes, don't respond, and keep going. No big deal. But I wasn't expecting it here. Interestingly, I'd never realized why it was sexist until it happened when I wasn't ready for it. When I wasn't ready for it, when I wasn't dressing for men but for women, and when I expected the men to be harmless and uninterested, then it bothered me and I could figure out why.
I felt so dirty. I felt like someone had groped me, honestly. In that single statement, that guy (unintentionally; he's been as trained by sexism in our culture as I have, and I'm sure he didn't realize what he was implying) made me feel like I was on display for the men there, and whatever my intentions were didn't matter. I've heard people talk about being an object, but I never understood it on a visceral level. I do now. I didn't feel like a person -- I felt like a toy there for someone else's amusement. I felt like I had no power of my own, that the assumption was that everything I had done to look the way I did was done to garner that guy's praise. "No, thank you," implies I have done something for someone, on purpose. More than just make me an object and dehumanize me, it implied I was trying to garner favor and trying to please them -- that I couldn't do something for myself, I had to have done it for them.
You don't thank people who haven't done something for you.
Part of the strength of my reaction was that I wasn't expecting it, and wasn't braced for it. DK talked about something similar not too long ago, how ze'd (Um. What pronouns are you using, DK? I think I've heard both from you recently. ;-D) been using public bathrooms that were gender-neutral (important when you're butch). Then DK was elsewhere, and had to go use a non-gender neutral bathroom. All that armor DK had built to use women's bathrooms, to defend against women going, "Get out get out!" was gone because it hadn't been used, and DK needed it back. You feel vulnerable, and everything hurts again.
I felt like such shit. :( It sort of festered for a while, until Quin and I started making out and I kind of lost it. I was finally like, "You know, I need to go take a shower." I did, and I felt MUCH better. It was after that, when I couldn't stop tearing up, when I told her, "Soo... I keep tearing up, and here's why, and I don't want you to think it's about you." Or I tried to tell her, but I burst into tears and that's when hugging ensued.
Dear everyone (but mostly men, as women have never done this to me): I did not dress for you, I dressed for me. Even if I did dress for you, thanking me for it (unless I'm your girlfriend, you know for a fact I dressed for you, and you're sincere) makes me feel like I've sold out. Like I'm a prostitute not because it makes me happy, but because I have no choice. It strips me of power, and makes me feel dirty and vulnerable. DON'T DO IT.
Love, me
So, there's my little feminist rant of the year. ;) Interesting, though, that I only noticed it because I wasn't braced for it. It kind of makes me sad, because that means I spend the rest of my life expecting to be treated like an object, and it's so prevalent I don't even realize it. :(
Well. Now all of you guys who read this will know, and the world will be a little less sexist, right? Yeeeah. ;)
Okay. Now I'm going to go lay in bed and read a book. Maybe I'll be able to get back to sleep. (HA!)
J
Alas, I'm awake. Very awake. Unlikely-to-be-able-to-sleep awake. After about 7.5 hours of sleep last night, and roughly the same the night before. >.< Well! I'll give you all the long-awaited update on my life. (Totally long-awaited, right? ...Guys? ;-D)
Still dating Quin! I quite like her. More than I wanted to, really, but the panic is slowly receding. ;) Mostly because after my last post about panic, I talked to her about what makes me panic, and now I feel better. Just saying, "This worries me," even though there isn't a solution and even though it's a what-if worry (as in, not happening now, I just worry that it could happen, even though I also don't think it will) helps. Tonight we're going to see Into the Woods, and I'm so excited! :D
I talked to DK briefly last night, and it was awesome to hear from her. :) I also got my hands on a copy of her dissertation -- it's a review of butch literature, and so far I quite like it! It was totally dedicated in part to me. *slinks!*
Oh! Oh my gosh! You guys! I got my cover for Off Trail, and it KICKS ASS. I love the TQ cover artists. They always deliver on what I ask for, even when I have no idea how they're going to manage it. :D This cover has a sled and a doggie in a wheelchair! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (A dog that looks remarkably like Sam, actually, which makes me happy. :D) Off Trail comes out July 14! Don't forget! (As if I'll let you. Ha!)
Last weekend was extremely busy. I found out Saturday that they wanted help with the Sip (which I was a little annoyed at, actually, because I'd emailed them like TUESDAY. Finding out Saturday meant Saturday was already gone, I might have had time Sunday, Monday I worked most of the day, Tuesday I had to write, and Wednesday I worked all day. It was due Wednesday. *sighs* Still, they had an author back out at the last minute so it wasn't really their fault, and thanks to my mad writing speeds -- 5,600 words in one day and part of an evening! (Sunday was a bust for writing) -- it all worked out.).
Saturday Quin and I headed up to Sacramento, originally to go to the gay rodeo, but that turned into see her BBF (that would be Best Butch Friend. Ha! I crack myself up.), see her mom's horse show, and then head to the rodeo. I was already tense about the weekend -- in fact, I mentioned to her Saturday that I might need some time to myself during the day, and if I vanished to go "get something from the car" that was probably why and not to worry. I was looking at the day like this:
-Get up INSANELY EARLY (5:30 am). Have extreme lack of sleep.
-Be charming to new people who matter a lot to her.
-Be charming to her mom who I've met before, but still -- MOM.
-Go to gay rodeo and be surrounded by people, in the heat, ALL DAY.
-Go two-stepping, be charming, be surrounded by more people.
-Collapse.
Even though all these things are fun, being around lots of people is exhausting for me. As it ended up though, I thought the day was pretty awesome -- which is to say, lots of disappointing things happened, but it wasn't nearly as exhausting as I expected! Quin's BBF was really nice, breakfast was good (I had two breakfasts! Quin fed me when I got to her place, and then we met her BBF for breakfast in Sac), but there was a problem with the bill so it didn't come for forever. :( Because of that, we were late getting to her mom's show, and missed the class! :((( But I got to have horse talk and hug her mom's reiner, and we wandered around the show grounds. All this time some things were happening with Quin's friends, already at the rodeo, so she was stressed. We got TO the rodeo finally and started making things better with the friends, and... it was tiny. I was expecting something much bigger, but there were like six vendors (not counting the food vendors -- lots more of them) and it took up an acre total, even with the rodeo arena. There wasn't much of a crowd, so I didn't have my "!!!" reaction. We saw a friend get bucked off a bull and stamped on. OUCH. Seeing the way those bulls bucked, I was glad Quin wasn't competing!
The best part was watching the wrangler and his horse chase the bulls back into their pen, sometimes roping them to do so. He and his horse were the best team. I had envy. :D He was such an old-fashioned cowboy, though, it make me laugh and wince. I'm sure he can stick on anything, but man, he bounced enough to make my back hurt!
We were able to snag a friend's hotel room to clean up before two-stepping, and then had dinner with said friend, but then we couldn't find the two-stepping place. :( It was really poorly advertised, so that was a bummer. Two-stepping was going to be the highlight, really. Still, by that time it was so late I couldn't be too sad we were missing it (and we went two-stepping Sunday night, instead!). I did have this mini-crying break down in the hotel, and Quin gave me lots of hugs and cuddling until it was better. It was really weird. Allow me to explain...
While at the gay rodeo... Hm. How to start? First off, it was a GAY rodeo. I let my guard down, wasn't really wearing armor. To be honest, I can shrug off women flirting with me without armor. I didn't realize I had armor for when men flirted with me until I was heading toward the bleachers on my own, and this guy in a totally gay voice says, "You're really attractive!" Now, that just made me laugh. I took it for what I think it was: a compliment without any real intent. He was SO SO SO GAY. I laughed and said, "Thank you," purposefully cutting short my usual statement when someone I'm uninterested in flirts with me, which is, "Thank you, my girlfriend thinks so, too! *grin*" (This is my statement even when I'm not dating. It's easy and makes it clear I'm not interested.) So, I glanced up, laughed, and just said, "Thank you."
He responded with, "No, thank you." Now, I've gotten that before. When I'm wearing my armor, I just internally roll my eyes, don't respond, and keep going. No big deal. But I wasn't expecting it here. Interestingly, I'd never realized why it was sexist until it happened when I wasn't ready for it. When I wasn't ready for it, when I wasn't dressing for men but for women, and when I expected the men to be harmless and uninterested, then it bothered me and I could figure out why.
I felt so dirty. I felt like someone had groped me, honestly. In that single statement, that guy (unintentionally; he's been as trained by sexism in our culture as I have, and I'm sure he didn't realize what he was implying) made me feel like I was on display for the men there, and whatever my intentions were didn't matter. I've heard people talk about being an object, but I never understood it on a visceral level. I do now. I didn't feel like a person -- I felt like a toy there for someone else's amusement. I felt like I had no power of my own, that the assumption was that everything I had done to look the way I did was done to garner that guy's praise. "No, thank you," implies I have done something for someone, on purpose. More than just make me an object and dehumanize me, it implied I was trying to garner favor and trying to please them -- that I couldn't do something for myself, I had to have done it for them.
You don't thank people who haven't done something for you.
Part of the strength of my reaction was that I wasn't expecting it, and wasn't braced for it. DK talked about something similar not too long ago, how ze'd (Um. What pronouns are you using, DK? I think I've heard both from you recently. ;-D) been using public bathrooms that were gender-neutral (important when you're butch). Then DK was elsewhere, and had to go use a non-gender neutral bathroom. All that armor DK had built to use women's bathrooms, to defend against women going, "Get out get out!" was gone because it hadn't been used, and DK needed it back. You feel vulnerable, and everything hurts again.
I felt like such shit. :( It sort of festered for a while, until Quin and I started making out and I kind of lost it. I was finally like, "You know, I need to go take a shower." I did, and I felt MUCH better. It was after that, when I couldn't stop tearing up, when I told her, "Soo... I keep tearing up, and here's why, and I don't want you to think it's about you." Or I tried to tell her, but I burst into tears and that's when hugging ensued.
Dear everyone (but mostly men, as women have never done this to me): I did not dress for you, I dressed for me. Even if I did dress for you, thanking me for it (unless I'm your girlfriend, you know for a fact I dressed for you, and you're sincere) makes me feel like I've sold out. Like I'm a prostitute not because it makes me happy, but because I have no choice. It strips me of power, and makes me feel dirty and vulnerable. DON'T DO IT.
Love, me
So, there's my little feminist rant of the year. ;) Interesting, though, that I only noticed it because I wasn't braced for it. It kind of makes me sad, because that means I spend the rest of my life expecting to be treated like an object, and it's so prevalent I don't even realize it. :(
Well. Now all of you guys who read this will know, and the world will be a little less sexist, right? Yeeeah. ;)
Okay. Now I'm going to go lay in bed and read a book. Maybe I'll be able to get back to sleep. (HA!)
J