(no subject)
I've done my morning stuff: gym (which, lemme tell you, I really didn't want to run, BUT I DID. You know what one of the things I love about DK is? When I tell her stuff like that, she acts like it's a big deal. A personal accomplishment, like I've done something grand, which is awesome because it IS a big personal accomplishment for me, it IS something grand, but I tell myself, "Pshaw, you shouldn't feel good about that. You SHOULD be doing it anyway, so why celebrate when you do?" But now I have this alternate little DK voice in the back of my head going, "That's so GREAT, love! Good for you! I'm so proud of you!" and I feel proud of myself. *laughs*) (ha, that was an impressive tangent), breakfast, scootering-with-dogs, read my happyhealthyhead book, and all that's left before I start my day is writing about my happyhealthyhead book.
Which I've been stalling.
The truth is, the section today didn't really speak to me. It was like, "Oh, yeah, that's good stuff to keep in mind," but I pretty much already do it -- or think I do. But you know what? Maybe I can pull some stuff out anyway, and talk about how I do it. It'll be a nice change of telling myself what I do good instead of trying to remember to be better, right? Right!
Vanzant says,
It took me a long time to realize that most of the stuff I did for other folks, I did for recognition. It was not the doing that made me feel good; it was the compliment for the doing that I was really after. When it did not come, I feel that my efforts had not been sufficiently recognized.
Also,
What you give to other you give to yourself, (which she is quoting, in turn, from The Course of Miracles).
I was raised with this sort of idea that people didn't notice when things got done. My mom would mop the floor, and my dad wouldn't notice, and my mom would get mad. I suppose what this is saying is that she should have remembered she was mopping the floor for herself (not because she wanted to, but because doing a good deed is doing something good for yourself), but on the other hand, I kind of think if you're doing something you don't like because you know someone else will like it, there's other ways to handle things. Eventually, my mom started saying, "Hi, Steve! I mopped the floor today. Doesn't it look nice?" And my dad would clue in and go, "Oh, yes!" And make a big deal out of it. Mom was still annoyed she had to prompt him, but eventually he learned and often, now, he doesn't even need that prompting. At least for the floor. ;)
I watched this processes and internalized it. I used it pretty effectively when I was working at The Ranch in Canada; if I did something above and beyond the call of duty, I pointed it out. I didn't feel annoyed that I had to, but I did want the recognition. Then I felt good, others were vaguely amused, and everyone was happy.
Of course, many of the things I do I do just because I can. Today and tomorrow I'll be watching my neighbor's dog. It's a decent sized dog, and my place with my two dogs is TINY. We will be crowded. But I don't mind doing it; it's nice and friendly, and I put boundaries on it. She's giving me her house key so that tomorrow morning I can drop him off at home, even though she won't be back until late afternoon. I didn't want to keep him that long, though; I'm not that nice. ;-D So I'm doing what I'm comfortable with, what I can do without getting stressed or resentful, and no more. She's glad to have someone keep him overnight; I'm happy to do it within these boundaries.
Which brings me to my next point: I don't do things I don't want to do. Before offering something, I generally do an internal check: does this make me feel happy, or leave a tight feeling in my chest? Tight feeling means NO. I'm careful about this one, because my mom overextended herself constantly when I was growing up, and was always saying yes to things she didn't want to do. She would get angry, resentful, and worn out. I didn't want to be that, and yet I started down that path. It wasn't until my early twenties that I got better at saying no, and it's just been the last few years that I've gotten really good at deciding what I can an can't do. That checking-in-with-my-body thing is a must, because my brain is lousy at it! My brain gets all the social expectations and what we're taught involved, and would overwhelm me with doing too much. My body is a much better judge of what I can handle. ;-D
Vanzant, quoting Chris Rock, points out that people often want to be thanked for things they should be doing anyway, like their job, or raising their kids well, or being good to other people. These are things we should simply do because we're getting paid for it, because we have a responsibility to our children, because we are all human and should be treated with compassion and respect.
...when we expect someone else to make us feel good about what we do, chances are we have done it for the wrong reasons. ... When you are trapped in this [feeling of being unappreciated], the only escape route is to realize that all that you have given you have received. You have served the Divine by serving one of the Divine's children who was in need. ... When your giving and your doing for others leaves you feeling depleted and unappreciated, it is a sign of dysfunction. ... You must ask yourself, "Why do I want to be recognized for this thing I have done?"
All good stuff to remember, and all stuff I think I'm pretty successful at. In general, I don't do things that make me feel bad or worn out. I'm pretty careful with my emotional energy anyway, and I think in part this is an offshoot of that. I take care of myself first, so that I may better be of service to others. Actually, that's a load of crap. ;-D I take care of myself first, and when I feel like I SHOULD be doing things for others, I remind myself of several things:
1. I am not helping anyone when I am so tired and overwhelmed I can't think straight.
2. I am also not helping anyone when I'm doing something and being angry or resentful about it.
3. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Ergo, I had better love myself a whole lot, so I can love them a whole lot, too. I have seen the way some people treat themselves, and I'd rather they not treat me that way. ;)
4. If I cannot help someone in something, they will find another way.
So, there's the section I'm doing pretty good at. YAY ME. ;-D
In other news, I'm going to finish my next m/m romance (it has DOG SLEDDING) today! I might have finished it yesterday, but I would have had to really rush and I'm still not sure I'd have managed it, and then DK called so I decided to stop rushing and talk to her. It's got another 5-10 pages, and I only had half an hour to write. >.< So better to wait. :) But 5-10 pages is nothing for today! YAY! I'm going to set it aside next week, work on my femme/butch romance, and then take T'giving week off to go home. When I come back I'll pick up the dogsledding one, edit it, write the query letter, and send it off to Torquere. If I haven't finished the femme/butch story (it's a short) I'll maybe pick it back up... if I have time before DK gets here. If I don't, I'm not going to worry about it! Though I do need to write the short (VERY short -- a page) freebie for Samhain next week. Need to remember to do that. >.<
I also picked up another dog training client, and I'm meeting a woman next week who runs a pet sitting business and is looking for a dog trainer to recommend. I am amused. :D
I ALSO put the $200 I could have spent toward rent, toward my credit card debt instead. THIS IS AWESOME. By next month, I'll be below the $3000 mark! How cool is that? :D Other things to spend money on that I kinda really need:
Clothes. Specifically, jeans, sweaters, bras, running shoes, and dress shoes.
Taking Bobby da Bird to the vet. (This gets priority.)
Putting money in various savings accounts, as much as possible. Especially accounts like, "For vet bills" and "car stuff." Oh, and "taxes," "England funds," my 401J, and my emergency account. Yeesh.
What's wild is the thought that I can start doing this again -- at a greater rate than I ever have before. THAT IS JUST CRAZY TALK. :D
Right! I need to go work on my novel, now.
J
Which I've been stalling.
The truth is, the section today didn't really speak to me. It was like, "Oh, yeah, that's good stuff to keep in mind," but I pretty much already do it -- or think I do. But you know what? Maybe I can pull some stuff out anyway, and talk about how I do it. It'll be a nice change of telling myself what I do good instead of trying to remember to be better, right? Right!
Vanzant says,
It took me a long time to realize that most of the stuff I did for other folks, I did for recognition. It was not the doing that made me feel good; it was the compliment for the doing that I was really after. When it did not come, I feel that my efforts had not been sufficiently recognized.
Also,
What you give to other you give to yourself, (which she is quoting, in turn, from The Course of Miracles).
I was raised with this sort of idea that people didn't notice when things got done. My mom would mop the floor, and my dad wouldn't notice, and my mom would get mad. I suppose what this is saying is that she should have remembered she was mopping the floor for herself (not because she wanted to, but because doing a good deed is doing something good for yourself), but on the other hand, I kind of think if you're doing something you don't like because you know someone else will like it, there's other ways to handle things. Eventually, my mom started saying, "Hi, Steve! I mopped the floor today. Doesn't it look nice?" And my dad would clue in and go, "Oh, yes!" And make a big deal out of it. Mom was still annoyed she had to prompt him, but eventually he learned and often, now, he doesn't even need that prompting. At least for the floor. ;)
I watched this processes and internalized it. I used it pretty effectively when I was working at The Ranch in Canada; if I did something above and beyond the call of duty, I pointed it out. I didn't feel annoyed that I had to, but I did want the recognition. Then I felt good, others were vaguely amused, and everyone was happy.
Of course, many of the things I do I do just because I can. Today and tomorrow I'll be watching my neighbor's dog. It's a decent sized dog, and my place with my two dogs is TINY. We will be crowded. But I don't mind doing it; it's nice and friendly, and I put boundaries on it. She's giving me her house key so that tomorrow morning I can drop him off at home, even though she won't be back until late afternoon. I didn't want to keep him that long, though; I'm not that nice. ;-D So I'm doing what I'm comfortable with, what I can do without getting stressed or resentful, and no more. She's glad to have someone keep him overnight; I'm happy to do it within these boundaries.
Which brings me to my next point: I don't do things I don't want to do. Before offering something, I generally do an internal check: does this make me feel happy, or leave a tight feeling in my chest? Tight feeling means NO. I'm careful about this one, because my mom overextended herself constantly when I was growing up, and was always saying yes to things she didn't want to do. She would get angry, resentful, and worn out. I didn't want to be that, and yet I started down that path. It wasn't until my early twenties that I got better at saying no, and it's just been the last few years that I've gotten really good at deciding what I can an can't do. That checking-in-with-my-body thing is a must, because my brain is lousy at it! My brain gets all the social expectations and what we're taught involved, and would overwhelm me with doing too much. My body is a much better judge of what I can handle. ;-D
Vanzant, quoting Chris Rock, points out that people often want to be thanked for things they should be doing anyway, like their job, or raising their kids well, or being good to other people. These are things we should simply do because we're getting paid for it, because we have a responsibility to our children, because we are all human and should be treated with compassion and respect.
...when we expect someone else to make us feel good about what we do, chances are we have done it for the wrong reasons. ... When you are trapped in this [feeling of being unappreciated], the only escape route is to realize that all that you have given you have received. You have served the Divine by serving one of the Divine's children who was in need. ... When your giving and your doing for others leaves you feeling depleted and unappreciated, it is a sign of dysfunction. ... You must ask yourself, "Why do I want to be recognized for this thing I have done?"
All good stuff to remember, and all stuff I think I'm pretty successful at. In general, I don't do things that make me feel bad or worn out. I'm pretty careful with my emotional energy anyway, and I think in part this is an offshoot of that. I take care of myself first, so that I may better be of service to others. Actually, that's a load of crap. ;-D I take care of myself first, and when I feel like I SHOULD be doing things for others, I remind myself of several things:
1. I am not helping anyone when I am so tired and overwhelmed I can't think straight.
2. I am also not helping anyone when I'm doing something and being angry or resentful about it.
3. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Ergo, I had better love myself a whole lot, so I can love them a whole lot, too. I have seen the way some people treat themselves, and I'd rather they not treat me that way. ;)
4. If I cannot help someone in something, they will find another way.
So, there's the section I'm doing pretty good at. YAY ME. ;-D
In other news, I'm going to finish my next m/m romance (it has DOG SLEDDING) today! I might have finished it yesterday, but I would have had to really rush and I'm still not sure I'd have managed it, and then DK called so I decided to stop rushing and talk to her. It's got another 5-10 pages, and I only had half an hour to write. >.< So better to wait. :) But 5-10 pages is nothing for today! YAY! I'm going to set it aside next week, work on my femme/butch romance, and then take T'giving week off to go home. When I come back I'll pick up the dogsledding one, edit it, write the query letter, and send it off to Torquere. If I haven't finished the femme/butch story (it's a short) I'll maybe pick it back up... if I have time before DK gets here. If I don't, I'm not going to worry about it! Though I do need to write the short (VERY short -- a page) freebie for Samhain next week. Need to remember to do that. >.<
I also picked up another dog training client, and I'm meeting a woman next week who runs a pet sitting business and is looking for a dog trainer to recommend. I am amused. :D
I ALSO put the $200 I could have spent toward rent, toward my credit card debt instead. THIS IS AWESOME. By next month, I'll be below the $3000 mark! How cool is that? :D Other things to spend money on that I kinda really need:
Clothes. Specifically, jeans, sweaters, bras, running shoes, and dress shoes.
Taking Bobby da Bird to the vet. (This gets priority.)
Putting money in various savings accounts, as much as possible. Especially accounts like, "For vet bills" and "car stuff." Oh, and "taxes," "England funds," my 401J, and my emergency account. Yeesh.
What's wild is the thought that I can start doing this again -- at a greater rate than I ever have before. THAT IS JUST CRAZY TALK. :D
Right! I need to go work on my novel, now.
J