(no subject)
Okay, so, last night I mentioned my grandmother was dying. Well, she is. My dad seems to be holding out some hope that this is a temporary downturn, but... It's not. Let's just be honest, here. It's really not.
This isn't a very sad thing, from my end. My g'ma had a DNR five years ago (more? Less? Something like that) when she died and was, uh, resuscitated. (My aunts, who were there, panicked.) It damaged... something. From that time on she was bedbound and almost unable to speak, though her mind was still fine. To me, this seems even worse. People talk to you less if you don't/can't respond. :( On top of that, she was in constant pain. Everything was agony. She is not happy.
And I don't know her that well. I'm close with my cousins on that side of the family, but there's some resentment toward my aunts. They were downright nasty to my mom and older sister, and I had a few run ins with them (though not nearly so bad), and we all thought they'd learned that behavior from G'ma. Before she got quite so bad, she and my mom had the following conversation:
G'ma: Your daughters sure chose some... interesting... outfits for Christmas.
Mom: ... *tells story of us refusing to go to Christmas dinner because our aunts had been nasty, and her saying we could wear anything we wanted if we went. <-- a butchered account, but close enough for these purposes.*
G'ma: MY daughters said those things?
Mom: Yes.
G'ma: You tell your girls they can wear anything they like! I can't believe my daughters would do something like that...
So, learn something new. After that, I remember thinking that G'ma was pretty awesome. A really classy lady. She was very much The Matriarch of that side of the family, too. When my older sister lived with her, they watched TV together in the evenings and would go out to lunch. By the time I was old enough to drive down and try to forge a connection with my grandmother, she was already bedbound and mostly nonresponsive. I didn't know what to say, how it would be taken, and really, it was nice to do for her, but I didn't get anything from it. I never did build a relationship with my g'ma.
Now she's dying, and it's very weird. I don't have a connection with her, though I always admired her. I'm sorry I didn't have that connection, but I realize there's not really I could have done, knowing what I thought I knew. So, in a detached sort of way, I'm sorry she's dying. I wish I could have known her better, but even if she weren't dying it wouldn't happen now. She really was a classy lady, though.
In other family-related news, my dad emailed me and my sisters to let us know that my aunts and cousins were arranging for a near-Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant, and did we want to go? I thought about it for near a week before I emailed him back. My aunts and uncles are all anti-gay, and, uh, I'm dating darksideofstorm who, though she might occasionally get mistaken for a guy, she is definitely female. And so am I. So I emailed my dad to ask for advice. I don't want to hide from my family, but I don't want to cause undue strife, either. This is an excerpt from what he sent me back:
So here is my thinking: You are a beautiful and valuable part of the family. Who you are and who you love is also beautiful and valuable. Would your bringing [DK] to Christmas at the [restaurant] cause distress and worry on the part of a few sisters? Perhaps. ...Probably. Would it cause distress to me and your mom via my sisters' later reactions? Absolutely not. [...]
So would it be "appropriate" for you and [DK] to attend Christmas dinner? How could it not be? Christmas is a time of love and family, and [DK] is the person you love--and that makes her part of our family. [...]
I know this is an important issue for you, J. You are a valuable, worthy, and beautiful person, as is [DK]. I'd love to be with both of you at the [restaurant], but I will support you in whatever you decide.
I love my family. His email keeps making me sniffle, and it reminds me how lucky I am to have such a loving, accepting family. We rock. :D
J
This isn't a very sad thing, from my end. My g'ma had a DNR five years ago (more? Less? Something like that) when she died and was, uh, resuscitated. (My aunts, who were there, panicked.) It damaged... something. From that time on she was bedbound and almost unable to speak, though her mind was still fine. To me, this seems even worse. People talk to you less if you don't/can't respond. :( On top of that, she was in constant pain. Everything was agony. She is not happy.
And I don't know her that well. I'm close with my cousins on that side of the family, but there's some resentment toward my aunts. They were downright nasty to my mom and older sister, and I had a few run ins with them (though not nearly so bad), and we all thought they'd learned that behavior from G'ma. Before she got quite so bad, she and my mom had the following conversation:
G'ma: Your daughters sure chose some... interesting... outfits for Christmas.
Mom: ... *tells story of us refusing to go to Christmas dinner because our aunts had been nasty, and her saying we could wear anything we wanted if we went. <-- a butchered account, but close enough for these purposes.*
G'ma: MY daughters said those things?
Mom: Yes.
G'ma: You tell your girls they can wear anything they like! I can't believe my daughters would do something like that...
So, learn something new. After that, I remember thinking that G'ma was pretty awesome. A really classy lady. She was very much The Matriarch of that side of the family, too. When my older sister lived with her, they watched TV together in the evenings and would go out to lunch. By the time I was old enough to drive down and try to forge a connection with my grandmother, she was already bedbound and mostly nonresponsive. I didn't know what to say, how it would be taken, and really, it was nice to do for her, but I didn't get anything from it. I never did build a relationship with my g'ma.
Now she's dying, and it's very weird. I don't have a connection with her, though I always admired her. I'm sorry I didn't have that connection, but I realize there's not really I could have done, knowing what I thought I knew. So, in a detached sort of way, I'm sorry she's dying. I wish I could have known her better, but even if she weren't dying it wouldn't happen now. She really was a classy lady, though.
In other family-related news, my dad emailed me and my sisters to let us know that my aunts and cousins were arranging for a near-Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant, and did we want to go? I thought about it for near a week before I emailed him back. My aunts and uncles are all anti-gay, and, uh, I'm dating darksideofstorm who, though she might occasionally get mistaken for a guy, she is definitely female. And so am I. So I emailed my dad to ask for advice. I don't want to hide from my family, but I don't want to cause undue strife, either. This is an excerpt from what he sent me back:
So here is my thinking: You are a beautiful and valuable part of the family. Who you are and who you love is also beautiful and valuable. Would your bringing [DK] to Christmas at the [restaurant] cause distress and worry on the part of a few sisters? Perhaps. ...Probably. Would it cause distress to me and your mom via my sisters' later reactions? Absolutely not. [...]
So would it be "appropriate" for you and [DK] to attend Christmas dinner? How could it not be? Christmas is a time of love and family, and [DK] is the person you love--and that makes her part of our family. [...]
I know this is an important issue for you, J. You are a valuable, worthy, and beautiful person, as is [DK]. I'd love to be with both of you at the [restaurant], but I will support you in whatever you decide.
I love my family. His email keeps making me sniffle, and it reminds me how lucky I am to have such a loving, accepting family. We rock. :D
J