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I have THREE HUMONGOUS TOPICS. Oh, stop groaning, you. *flaps a hand!* I shall do three posts and have three cut tags! Aren't you proud of me? Oh yes, I'm sure. *grins*
So, first, I shall talk about driving home and LDS church with Ki (kilerkki) and Things I Learned About Myself and Ways I'm Healing Old Hurts and...um... other stuff, both thoughtful and fluffy, about the trip, the drive, and things in general.
Now here's where I start to flounder. There are always so many things I think of to say when I'm not at the computer, and then it's like, if I don't remember all of them when I start writing, I stop writing to try and remember all of them so I don't do multiple posts on the same thing! But I've been learning about taking smaller steps and being happy (another forthcoming post! Look for the spiritual tag. *grins*) so I think I'll let go of the need to remember all those brilliant things, and just start with what I do remember. ;)
Let's see...
Sunday I went to church with Ki! Ki is a member of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints (more commonly known as Mormon), which is a pretty conservative sect of Christianity. (*flaps a hand again* Yeah, yeah, I know some Christians say they aren't Christian. Let's not split hairs, okay?) Now, despite my work--and much success, I'm very proud of myself for how far I've come--to let go of my anxiety surrounding conservative Christianity (CC), I still have a long way to go. But I didn't want to walk into church full of anxiety, and I didn't want to sit and glower through the service because I disagree with a few key facts, and there's always SOMETHING to learn in any spiritual service. So before I left for Ki's I said a very specific prayer: "Dear God, please help me get my ego out of my damn way so I can hear whatever you want me to hear today!" 'Damn' totally necessary for me. *grins* I think it worked!
Also, I wore a SKIRT. Yeah, that's right. Stunning. :D And I have these giant bruises on the backs of my calves--I have NO idea where they came from, but they're the size of my hand and really dark. >.> But lucky me, the angle of the skirt kept them from being noticable! I did not look like an abused person! Hooray! *grins*
So, anyway, I went to church with Ki! I managed to keep my ego to a dull roar. :D Mormon church was interesting, because it's not quite like the Episcopal religion I'm familiar with. First, everyone in the stake... or maybe the ward... >.> (Poor Ki keeps answering my same questions over and over again! I cannot keep the groups or titles straight. >.>) goes into one room. Two guys from Ki's peer group spoke, and mostly what I remember from their talks was that they seemed nervous, poor guys. >.> Then this older guy spoke, Brother Nixon, and he was HILARIOUS. (More on what he said in a later post!) Then another older gent spoke--a president of some sort?--and they had the sacrament (what I'd have called communion) and then it had been about an hour, and we broke up to go to another room! I seriously like this method of breaking up to go do new things. >.>
So then we went to Sunday School! Which I think of as for kids, but they do it throughout life. And that was really cool, because it was like studying the doctrine and stuff, all interactive. And I was secretly sitting in my seat frantically waving my hand around going, "Me! Me! Pick me! I have thoughts on this matter!" but I didn't actually do that, because I didn't know the doctrine and though it SEEMED pretty straightforward (mind you, I don't remember what we were talking about... wait! I do! One of the times was how God had shown himself to someone without frying their brains, but normally you'd have to be in the priesthood--IIRC--for that to happen, so how had it worked? And then also there were a couple of other things I wanted to chime in with, but I didn't because, again, doctrine. I mean, for all I knew they had a specific answer already, though it didn't usually seem that way. Also, I'm not Mormon, and I've been to Catholic churches where they really don't want you to participate if you're not Catholic. I didn't get that impression, and I was allowed the sacrament, but...).
That lasted about an hour, and then the men went to one meeting and the women to another, Relief Society, which Ki is on the... um... board for. (So not the right term. >.> But you get the idea! :D) So I sat with her roommate, Chelsea, with her other roommate, Julia, behind us. They talked about Celestial Marriage, which is the idea that if you're married in the temple then you're married for eternity in both this life and the afterlife. I like the concept: it makes my commitment-phobic heart a little calmer. I mean, if it's an afterlife thing, you'd better make the effort to stick together! (You can get divorced from Celestial Marriage, but it's not as easy.) Again I was mentally waving my hand around like a maniac, but didn't really. I mean, it makes my commitment-phobic heart happy, and it's similar to one of my beliefs, but I didn't grow up with that and didn't want to be like, "Here is how I feel about it!" and then have them be like, "...A) we don't really want an outsider view and B) that's not how you'd feel about it if you'd grown up with it or studied it."
So I guess really what I'm saying in both cases is that I didn't wave my hand around because I was worried that people wouldn't like me, or I'd offend someone. >.> But that's okay! I'm getting better. *grins*
Ki very nicely explained lots of things to me, and then when she had to go sit up front her roommate Chelsea explained things to me. Afterward Julia was laughing, asking if the crazy Mormon terminology had thrown me, but I've talked to Ki enough that I got everything. *grins*
Then we went back to Ki's apartment so Ki could change her clothes before we checked on the dogs. Julia mentioned she'd like to go play with the dogs, and I invited her (without checking that Ki was all right with that, but Ki seemed good with it!) along! So we all headed out, poor Julia in the back dog area of the car, and went back to the hotel. Where, it turned out, Cash had had diahrea. >.> It was less than pleasant, but the hotel guys were awesome and Julia and Ki were really good sports about it. :)
After cleaning, we took the dogs on a walk. The dogs got to do some romping, because we found a little path away from the road, with no people around. *grins* It was good, too; I got a chance to talk about questions I'd had during the service, and questions about Mormonism in general, and how it works in day to day lives and all sorts of stuff like that. I even mentioned Dark in conversation and didn't worry that I'd get jumped on! (I quite got along with Julia, possibly because she reminds me SO MUCH of Meggan, who wasn't someone who'd jump on you for anything.)
Now, allow me to explain the jumping thing. Despite all my work and everything, I still have this expectation that when I say, "I have a girlfriend," to someone who is CC, I'm going to be told I'm going to hell and I'd better repent, etc etc. This is because the predominant relationship I've had with CC people are my dad's family, and that's exactly the kind of stuff that happened. Not with my girlfriend, because I didn't have one then, but with dressing, playing, drawing, writing, etc. So when I'd gotten to Utah Thursday we'd had Bollywood night, and beforehand I pulled Ki aside and asked her what was and wasn't appropriate. She'd said no one would jump on me, but it's hard to believe. While we were watching the moving I remembered a funny story about Dark, and I was going to tell it, but I couldn't figure out how. I could say, "So my girlfriend Kyra was over..." but I wasn't sure how the roommates would react. Or I could say, "Kyra was over..." but that implies they know her, and they don't. Or I could say, "My friend Kyra was over..." but that's a lie, she's not my friend she's my girlfriend, and I wasn't willing to lie. So I just didn't tell the story.
So on Sunday, when the three of us were walking around and I was able to tell stories about my girlfriend Kyra, and--well, I already knew Ki wasn't going to judge men, but Julia didn't spaz, either. Ki had said she was in acting and wanted to move to Cali, so I didn't expect her to, but it was still a nice little balm.
From Thursday, when I got there, onward I was able to start relaxing. Sunday was actually kind of a big deal for me, surrounded by CCs and in their church and trying not to be anxious and not to worry about misstepping, and just be myself. And instead of feeling anxious, I was able to get out of my own way and just listen and enjoy myself. People were really nice, even when they knew I wasn't Mormon, and very friendly, and it made a HUGE difference. It's pretty amazing how much of a change that can bring. ;)
On top of that, on Saturday night Ki had asked me if I wanted to do dinner with her sister, like she normally does. On the one hand, I really really did. And on the other hand, I had all that same, old anxiety and I didn't want to lie and I didn't want her sister to go, "OMgosh! Ki's hanging out with gay people! No more trips to San Fran for her!" or something like that. I didn't think that would happen, knowing Ki, but I was finally like, "I can't make this desicion on my own!" And told Ki my dilemma. At which point she was able to tell me about her family a litlte more, and it was awesome! As it turned out, her sister was busy anyway, but just the fact that I could sit and tell Ki, "this is my problem," and not feel bad that I was having that problem, but know that it's just because of past problems and it's okay to express it and get the help I need to work my way out of anxiety... that was awesome.
Also, that was the LONGEST SENTENCE EVER. :D
So, anyway, I was able to spend time around CC people and feel loved and accepted and that all was right with the world, and it was really neat. I think more than anything, this trip went a long way toward helping me heal some of the ouch I've felt about CC for a long time. YAY!
Ha, and this isn't even the spiritual post! ;-D
And then there was the drive home!
Can I just tell you how gorgeous the world is? Or at least the part I drove through> :D There I was in the Utah mountains, and there was lovely snow and crisp, clean air.
And then you go over the mountains and--well, there are more mountains! *laughs* But it's different mountains, with valleys and plains between. And there are these awesome little towns--I'm remembering St. George in particular--that look like they've come right out of the 1800's, only not falling apart like I think it would if it REALLY was from the 1800's. And then other towns that look like the old west, and these great big... field is not the right word, because that implies it's been fenced. These areas weren't fenced at all, but just plains of grasses. There were things grazing, sometimes herds of cattle, but sometimes herds of horses! There was one herd of horses that had no fences and no buildings anywhere near, and they were stunning! And the mountains, once I crossed out of Provo, were these sharp, jagged peaks with snow all down one side, and none down the other! Like some giant had come along and blown white powder only on the bits that faced him.
I passed through southern Utah to Arizona, and around then you drive through his HUGE canyon! All these cracks and crannies and cravasses cut into the sides, and caves and great sheafs of rock rising straight up, and little rivers running past. When you get clear of those it's like closing a door: suddenly, there's desert. From grassy plains to tumbleweed and shrub and joshua trees, but there are still these mountains. And they turn a little bit soft, there, a little bit lower with flat plains on top of them. You think it'll level out at any minute, but it doesn't, it just keeps being mountains piled on top of mountains.
When you get into Nevada, the mountains get all jagged again, and there's less shrub. You go over that range and then you're in California, where it's... lower. There's still mountains and they still rise so, so high up, but you're actually closer to the sea, and you can almost feel it. You feel like the sky is farther away.
oh! Which I forgot! All throughout Utah there were these massive, heavy clouds just braced across the sky, like the peaks of the mountains were holding them up. And even though the plains felt high, the mountains weren't TOO big, so the clouds were almost within touching distance, it seemed. And then you went over the mountains into Arizona, and suddenly the clouds were GONE. It was bright and hot and stunning, like passing into another world. Then, coming into Nevada and California, the last traces of snow finally left, and it was desert.
Crazy. And awesome. I seriously need to road trip more often. :D
I also met a very nice gentleman named Daniel Hienz, who was traveling. He was born in New Mexico, and I don't know if he became homeless or decided to be homeless, but in the process of being homeless he was traveling. He'd been down to Mexico and up to Canada, and we were laughing about how even on the border they don't want other money very much. (I pulled out an English pound when I was giving him change, and we agreed he didn't likely want that! *grins*)
On the way back I rearranged the luggage so that Cash had more room, so the dogs were happy to just sleep. They were VERY good, though I stopped a couple of times to let them out and stretch their legs--and get gas. ;-D All in all, the trip is just over 640 miles, and not bad at all. I'd do it again. *grins*
Also, for anyone with big dogs, Hampton Inn takes them! They were awesome. I LOVE Hampton Inn, now! They actually made me feel welcome, even with my beasts!
Phew. I think that's plenty for one post. >.> Congratulations if you actually made it all the way through! ;-D
J
So, first, I shall talk about driving home and LDS church with Ki (kilerkki) and Things I Learned About Myself and Ways I'm Healing Old Hurts and...um... other stuff, both thoughtful and fluffy, about the trip, the drive, and things in general.
Now here's where I start to flounder. There are always so many things I think of to say when I'm not at the computer, and then it's like, if I don't remember all of them when I start writing, I stop writing to try and remember all of them so I don't do multiple posts on the same thing! But I've been learning about taking smaller steps and being happy (another forthcoming post! Look for the spiritual tag. *grins*) so I think I'll let go of the need to remember all those brilliant things, and just start with what I do remember. ;)
Let's see...
Sunday I went to church with Ki! Ki is a member of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints (more commonly known as Mormon), which is a pretty conservative sect of Christianity. (*flaps a hand again* Yeah, yeah, I know some Christians say they aren't Christian. Let's not split hairs, okay?) Now, despite my work--and much success, I'm very proud of myself for how far I've come--to let go of my anxiety surrounding conservative Christianity (CC), I still have a long way to go. But I didn't want to walk into church full of anxiety, and I didn't want to sit and glower through the service because I disagree with a few key facts, and there's always SOMETHING to learn in any spiritual service. So before I left for Ki's I said a very specific prayer: "Dear God, please help me get my ego out of my damn way so I can hear whatever you want me to hear today!" 'Damn' totally necessary for me. *grins* I think it worked!
Also, I wore a SKIRT. Yeah, that's right. Stunning. :D And I have these giant bruises on the backs of my calves--I have NO idea where they came from, but they're the size of my hand and really dark. >.> But lucky me, the angle of the skirt kept them from being noticable! I did not look like an abused person! Hooray! *grins*
So, anyway, I went to church with Ki! I managed to keep my ego to a dull roar. :D Mormon church was interesting, because it's not quite like the Episcopal religion I'm familiar with. First, everyone in the stake... or maybe the ward... >.> (Poor Ki keeps answering my same questions over and over again! I cannot keep the groups or titles straight. >.>) goes into one room. Two guys from Ki's peer group spoke, and mostly what I remember from their talks was that they seemed nervous, poor guys. >.> Then this older guy spoke, Brother Nixon, and he was HILARIOUS. (More on what he said in a later post!) Then another older gent spoke--a president of some sort?--and they had the sacrament (what I'd have called communion) and then it had been about an hour, and we broke up to go to another room! I seriously like this method of breaking up to go do new things. >.>
So then we went to Sunday School! Which I think of as for kids, but they do it throughout life. And that was really cool, because it was like studying the doctrine and stuff, all interactive. And I was secretly sitting in my seat frantically waving my hand around going, "Me! Me! Pick me! I have thoughts on this matter!" but I didn't actually do that, because I didn't know the doctrine and though it SEEMED pretty straightforward (mind you, I don't remember what we were talking about... wait! I do! One of the times was how God had shown himself to someone without frying their brains, but normally you'd have to be in the priesthood--IIRC--for that to happen, so how had it worked? And then also there were a couple of other things I wanted to chime in with, but I didn't because, again, doctrine. I mean, for all I knew they had a specific answer already, though it didn't usually seem that way. Also, I'm not Mormon, and I've been to Catholic churches where they really don't want you to participate if you're not Catholic. I didn't get that impression, and I was allowed the sacrament, but...).
That lasted about an hour, and then the men went to one meeting and the women to another, Relief Society, which Ki is on the... um... board for. (So not the right term. >.> But you get the idea! :D) So I sat with her roommate, Chelsea, with her other roommate, Julia, behind us. They talked about Celestial Marriage, which is the idea that if you're married in the temple then you're married for eternity in both this life and the afterlife. I like the concept: it makes my commitment-phobic heart a little calmer. I mean, if it's an afterlife thing, you'd better make the effort to stick together! (You can get divorced from Celestial Marriage, but it's not as easy.) Again I was mentally waving my hand around like a maniac, but didn't really. I mean, it makes my commitment-phobic heart happy, and it's similar to one of my beliefs, but I didn't grow up with that and didn't want to be like, "Here is how I feel about it!" and then have them be like, "...A) we don't really want an outsider view and B) that's not how you'd feel about it if you'd grown up with it or studied it."
So I guess really what I'm saying in both cases is that I didn't wave my hand around because I was worried that people wouldn't like me, or I'd offend someone. >.> But that's okay! I'm getting better. *grins*
Ki very nicely explained lots of things to me, and then when she had to go sit up front her roommate Chelsea explained things to me. Afterward Julia was laughing, asking if the crazy Mormon terminology had thrown me, but I've talked to Ki enough that I got everything. *grins*
Then we went back to Ki's apartment so Ki could change her clothes before we checked on the dogs. Julia mentioned she'd like to go play with the dogs, and I invited her (without checking that Ki was all right with that, but Ki seemed good with it!) along! So we all headed out, poor Julia in the back dog area of the car, and went back to the hotel. Where, it turned out, Cash had had diahrea. >.> It was less than pleasant, but the hotel guys were awesome and Julia and Ki were really good sports about it. :)
After cleaning, we took the dogs on a walk. The dogs got to do some romping, because we found a little path away from the road, with no people around. *grins* It was good, too; I got a chance to talk about questions I'd had during the service, and questions about Mormonism in general, and how it works in day to day lives and all sorts of stuff like that. I even mentioned Dark in conversation and didn't worry that I'd get jumped on! (I quite got along with Julia, possibly because she reminds me SO MUCH of Meggan, who wasn't someone who'd jump on you for anything.)
Now, allow me to explain the jumping thing. Despite all my work and everything, I still have this expectation that when I say, "I have a girlfriend," to someone who is CC, I'm going to be told I'm going to hell and I'd better repent, etc etc. This is because the predominant relationship I've had with CC people are my dad's family, and that's exactly the kind of stuff that happened. Not with my girlfriend, because I didn't have one then, but with dressing, playing, drawing, writing, etc. So when I'd gotten to Utah Thursday we'd had Bollywood night, and beforehand I pulled Ki aside and asked her what was and wasn't appropriate. She'd said no one would jump on me, but it's hard to believe. While we were watching the moving I remembered a funny story about Dark, and I was going to tell it, but I couldn't figure out how. I could say, "So my girlfriend Kyra was over..." but I wasn't sure how the roommates would react. Or I could say, "Kyra was over..." but that implies they know her, and they don't. Or I could say, "My friend Kyra was over..." but that's a lie, she's not my friend she's my girlfriend, and I wasn't willing to lie. So I just didn't tell the story.
So on Sunday, when the three of us were walking around and I was able to tell stories about my girlfriend Kyra, and--well, I already knew Ki wasn't going to judge men, but Julia didn't spaz, either. Ki had said she was in acting and wanted to move to Cali, so I didn't expect her to, but it was still a nice little balm.
From Thursday, when I got there, onward I was able to start relaxing. Sunday was actually kind of a big deal for me, surrounded by CCs and in their church and trying not to be anxious and not to worry about misstepping, and just be myself. And instead of feeling anxious, I was able to get out of my own way and just listen and enjoy myself. People were really nice, even when they knew I wasn't Mormon, and very friendly, and it made a HUGE difference. It's pretty amazing how much of a change that can bring. ;)
On top of that, on Saturday night Ki had asked me if I wanted to do dinner with her sister, like she normally does. On the one hand, I really really did. And on the other hand, I had all that same, old anxiety and I didn't want to lie and I didn't want her sister to go, "OMgosh! Ki's hanging out with gay people! No more trips to San Fran for her!" or something like that. I didn't think that would happen, knowing Ki, but I was finally like, "I can't make this desicion on my own!" And told Ki my dilemma. At which point she was able to tell me about her family a litlte more, and it was awesome! As it turned out, her sister was busy anyway, but just the fact that I could sit and tell Ki, "this is my problem," and not feel bad that I was having that problem, but know that it's just because of past problems and it's okay to express it and get the help I need to work my way out of anxiety... that was awesome.
Also, that was the LONGEST SENTENCE EVER. :D
So, anyway, I was able to spend time around CC people and feel loved and accepted and that all was right with the world, and it was really neat. I think more than anything, this trip went a long way toward helping me heal some of the ouch I've felt about CC for a long time. YAY!
Ha, and this isn't even the spiritual post! ;-D
And then there was the drive home!
Can I just tell you how gorgeous the world is? Or at least the part I drove through> :D There I was in the Utah mountains, and there was lovely snow and crisp, clean air.
And then you go over the mountains and--well, there are more mountains! *laughs* But it's different mountains, with valleys and plains between. And there are these awesome little towns--I'm remembering St. George in particular--that look like they've come right out of the 1800's, only not falling apart like I think it would if it REALLY was from the 1800's. And then other towns that look like the old west, and these great big... field is not the right word, because that implies it's been fenced. These areas weren't fenced at all, but just plains of grasses. There were things grazing, sometimes herds of cattle, but sometimes herds of horses! There was one herd of horses that had no fences and no buildings anywhere near, and they were stunning! And the mountains, once I crossed out of Provo, were these sharp, jagged peaks with snow all down one side, and none down the other! Like some giant had come along and blown white powder only on the bits that faced him.
I passed through southern Utah to Arizona, and around then you drive through his HUGE canyon! All these cracks and crannies and cravasses cut into the sides, and caves and great sheafs of rock rising straight up, and little rivers running past. When you get clear of those it's like closing a door: suddenly, there's desert. From grassy plains to tumbleweed and shrub and joshua trees, but there are still these mountains. And they turn a little bit soft, there, a little bit lower with flat plains on top of them. You think it'll level out at any minute, but it doesn't, it just keeps being mountains piled on top of mountains.
When you get into Nevada, the mountains get all jagged again, and there's less shrub. You go over that range and then you're in California, where it's... lower. There's still mountains and they still rise so, so high up, but you're actually closer to the sea, and you can almost feel it. You feel like the sky is farther away.
oh! Which I forgot! All throughout Utah there were these massive, heavy clouds just braced across the sky, like the peaks of the mountains were holding them up. And even though the plains felt high, the mountains weren't TOO big, so the clouds were almost within touching distance, it seemed. And then you went over the mountains into Arizona, and suddenly the clouds were GONE. It was bright and hot and stunning, like passing into another world. Then, coming into Nevada and California, the last traces of snow finally left, and it was desert.
Crazy. And awesome. I seriously need to road trip more often. :D
I also met a very nice gentleman named Daniel Hienz, who was traveling. He was born in New Mexico, and I don't know if he became homeless or decided to be homeless, but in the process of being homeless he was traveling. He'd been down to Mexico and up to Canada, and we were laughing about how even on the border they don't want other money very much. (I pulled out an English pound when I was giving him change, and we agreed he didn't likely want that! *grins*)
On the way back I rearranged the luggage so that Cash had more room, so the dogs were happy to just sleep. They were VERY good, though I stopped a couple of times to let them out and stretch their legs--and get gas. ;-D All in all, the trip is just over 640 miles, and not bad at all. I'd do it again. *grins*
Also, for anyone with big dogs, Hampton Inn takes them! They were awesome. I LOVE Hampton Inn, now! They actually made me feel welcome, even with my beasts!
Phew. I think that's plenty for one post. >.> Congratulations if you actually made it all the way through! ;-D
J