Only in my sitcom life.....
So, how was everyone's day? Good? Exciting? Depressing, due to a Bungals loss? Well, wait till you hear about MY day!
It began as any other day in Huber Heights, Ohio: boring with no chance of becoming better. I decided to the local park and maybe find a tennis match, volleyball game or even some ultimate frisbee. I found nothing of the sort. I drive home, hoping there was something good recorded on the DVR...... nothing I hadn't seen a hundred times, so I planned my week. Nothing of note other than work and Lindsey and Nick's wedding. That's when I realized I hadn't gotten Lindsey a present yet. Luckily, Jimmy and I were out the night before and I found the PERFECT gift for her. It's a book of comics inspired by Tori Amos' music and just glorious self. Some of the best and brightest illustrators of comics out there got together to compile this thing. It is AMAZING! Lindsey is going to love it, being my foremost Tori-loving friend.
So, I leave for the Dayton mall to get it from the Borders there. And, having been overcome by the urge to exercise recently, decided to play DDR until I couldn't stand any longer. So, just like any other times I have gone to Dayton mall, I went to the arcade. For TWENTY YEARS I have been going there and never an issue like this one.....
This is what you've all been waiting for. I get into the arcade, pretty slow day. There are two emo girls on DDR, being watched by whom I can only assume are their mother and grand mother. I get my tokens and return before they're done. They finish and I ask "can I play?", knowing full-well that I can play and it's my turn. They put more coins in as fast as they can and say "we've already got coins in".
"Well, I can give you some coins and play and then you two can play again". Nope, they decide to play, but the girl on the first player side doesn't press start, leaving one creadit in the machine. Now, I knew she was only doing it so they could play again after that, but I let it slide to see if they are ACTUALLY going to try it. Lo and behold they try to play again, claiming they have credits still. I tell them I'll just play with them. At this point, the mother and grand mother stand up and get in my face. In their eyes, since they were there FIRST, they get to use the machine as LOOOONG as they want. They obviously had never met anyone like me or had ANY common sense. So, they start yelling at me, and I just get the attendant, a gentleman named T.K. that I have known for years. I explain it to him and they just kept yelling. He tells them that it's arcade RULES that people play and then let the person waiting play. There's now a crowd of people watching the argument.
Finally I just start putting my money in. The girls quickly push me away and get the game to the point where I can no longer play. This REALLY pisses me off. These white trash, emo fucking scum were trying to deny me MY RIGHT to do as I am allowed, which prompts me to say "listen to me, you moronic, white trash scum. I am neither interested, nor do I care about your preconceived notions about the way this works. You play, then you don't and someone else does. It's called taking turns and this country is BASED on it. You don't like it, bitch? Too bad. Take your scrawny, ugly daughters elsewhere and teach them bad habits. This is for everyone, not just them". Obviously no one had ever said anything like this to them. I finally just say, "let me play, right now, or I'll just go get security". They keep yelling, refusing to let anyone else but them touch the machine. So, I do as promised and get security.
I haven't even GOTTEN, to the good part, so keep reading. I ask the mall desk to send security and they arrive shortly. I tell them whats going on and everyone agrees. They keep yelling, saying horrible things. They're all so angry at me for, and I quote "ruining grand mother's day", a holiday that may be today, but certainly doesn't REALLY exist for anyone intelligent. Security takes them outside to speak to them. Even though they said it was their last game and they'd be leaving, they tell the security guards they'll be going back to the arcade, obviously just to fuck with me. Once again, no idea who they're fucking with. They tell me that if they come back in to not have any contact with them. I comply and security leaves. I play DDR.
Strange thing, though. The family is STILL just right outside, on their phones. More and more of them gather. The newcomers are actually normal-looking people, though. I ignore it and continue playing. After 3 or so sets, I am quite tired and I have noticed a population of Marvel vs. Capcom players. I go to beat them. About 7 wins later, in the middle of a match, I see someone in my left peripheral. It's a very angry looking guy. He says to me "so you like bad mouthing old ladies, do ya"?
"Yeah, actually. But not while I'm playing". This response only makes him angry. My brain is thinking "kick rockball, juggernaut assist, make new rockball, fierce punch" but the guy behind me is calling me all sorts of nasty things. "You're a pussy" this "I'll meet you outside" that. Typical white trash making a spectacle in public nonsense. Then he's fed up with me not paying attention. He smacks me in the back of my head as hard as he can. He's got my attention. I stand with a "WHAT THE FUCK?" that would make even the Devil shutter. I stand and turn. The ENTIRE FAMILY is there. Acting totally normal, as if a member of their family DIDN'T just strike someone for no reason, even the normal ones. I address them: "so let me get this strait. You're actually trying to FIGHT ME because you and your STUPID family don't understand how to take turns?" None of them speak a word. "Not ONLY am I not going to let someone as pathetic as you GOAD me into fighting them, I'm going to get security and have you put, what I assume to be BACK in jail. How's that sound? Would that make it a grand GRAND MOTHER'S DAY?
I made my way towards the entrance. They were walking with me in stride, knowing I was about to do exactly as I promised. They go the opposite way, and try to flee, trying to look normal. At this point, T.K., the arcade attendant had already called security, shocked that this person had actually done this. While I was headed to the mall desk, another of the men grabs my arm. I say (I love this bit), "get your filthy, disgusting hands off of me, scum"! To my surprise, he does.
Within minutes the Police arrive. A few minutes later, they catch the entire family trying to sneak away. They see me with the police and security guards with my arms crossed like a disappointed father. I throw them my most sadistic, "gotcha bitch" grin. The police had already taken my statement and wanted his. They took him away and got it. They came back to me and asked if I wanted to press charges. Of COURSE I did! 8ut not before I humiliate him, his family and thoroughly ruin his mother's day, as I promised. I tell the police I want to see if he'll apologize and REALLY mean it first, before I go pressing charges. I really wanted him to reduce himself in front of his family. The police and I walk over to him and he says "hey, man, I'm real sorry for what I done. I just don't like it when people go shootin' their mouths off to my family. I am real sorry. With a kind smile I say "apology accepted". I turn my back to him and request the officers arrest him due to me being SO afraid of him hurting me again and that I will be pressing charges. His mother and sister started to cry and the teens with them started arguing with the police. The gentleman that struck me was quite angry and they had to force him into the police car. I turn 'round for the last time and say "if anyone needs me I'll be in the arcade.
That's all 100% true. I left out the part where I actually apologized to the grand mother while I was playing DDR. I didn't WANT to ruin her grand mothers day, after all. I just wanted to play DDR. Her daughter said "oh, you're only saying that because now there's a guy here big enough to kick your ass". I looked at the guy and he gave me a shitty look. I should have known then..... But, I said "well, despite that, my apology stands" and I went back to DDR.
This is the sort of thing that could only happen to me. I loved every second of it. I got to tell those pathetic scum how I felt and how everyone else feels about people like them. So what if I got hit in the head. Honestly, I already had a headache and it went away after that, but don't tell that to the guy that hit me.
Yeah, that was it.
It began as any other day in Huber Heights, Ohio: boring with no chance of becoming better. I decided to the local park and maybe find a tennis match, volleyball game or even some ultimate frisbee. I found nothing of the sort. I drive home, hoping there was something good recorded on the DVR...... nothing I hadn't seen a hundred times, so I planned my week. Nothing of note other than work and Lindsey and Nick's wedding. That's when I realized I hadn't gotten Lindsey a present yet. Luckily, Jimmy and I were out the night before and I found the PERFECT gift for her. It's a book of comics inspired by Tori Amos' music and just glorious self. Some of the best and brightest illustrators of comics out there got together to compile this thing. It is AMAZING! Lindsey is going to love it, being my foremost Tori-loving friend.
So, I leave for the Dayton mall to get it from the Borders there. And, having been overcome by the urge to exercise recently, decided to play DDR until I couldn't stand any longer. So, just like any other times I have gone to Dayton mall, I went to the arcade. For TWENTY YEARS I have been going there and never an issue like this one.....
This is what you've all been waiting for. I get into the arcade, pretty slow day. There are two emo girls on DDR, being watched by whom I can only assume are their mother and grand mother. I get my tokens and return before they're done. They finish and I ask "can I play?", knowing full-well that I can play and it's my turn. They put more coins in as fast as they can and say "we've already got coins in".
"Well, I can give you some coins and play and then you two can play again". Nope, they decide to play, but the girl on the first player side doesn't press start, leaving one creadit in the machine. Now, I knew she was only doing it so they could play again after that, but I let it slide to see if they are ACTUALLY going to try it. Lo and behold they try to play again, claiming they have credits still. I tell them I'll just play with them. At this point, the mother and grand mother stand up and get in my face. In their eyes, since they were there FIRST, they get to use the machine as LOOOONG as they want. They obviously had never met anyone like me or had ANY common sense. So, they start yelling at me, and I just get the attendant, a gentleman named T.K. that I have known for years. I explain it to him and they just kept yelling. He tells them that it's arcade RULES that people play and then let the person waiting play. There's now a crowd of people watching the argument.
Finally I just start putting my money in. The girls quickly push me away and get the game to the point where I can no longer play. This REALLY pisses me off. These white trash, emo fucking scum were trying to deny me MY RIGHT to do as I am allowed, which prompts me to say "listen to me, you moronic, white trash scum. I am neither interested, nor do I care about your preconceived notions about the way this works. You play, then you don't and someone else does. It's called taking turns and this country is BASED on it. You don't like it, bitch? Too bad. Take your scrawny, ugly daughters elsewhere and teach them bad habits. This is for everyone, not just them". Obviously no one had ever said anything like this to them. I finally just say, "let me play, right now, or I'll just go get security". They keep yelling, refusing to let anyone else but them touch the machine. So, I do as promised and get security.
I haven't even GOTTEN, to the good part, so keep reading. I ask the mall desk to send security and they arrive shortly. I tell them whats going on and everyone agrees. They keep yelling, saying horrible things. They're all so angry at me for, and I quote "ruining grand mother's day", a holiday that may be today, but certainly doesn't REALLY exist for anyone intelligent. Security takes them outside to speak to them. Even though they said it was their last game and they'd be leaving, they tell the security guards they'll be going back to the arcade, obviously just to fuck with me. Once again, no idea who they're fucking with. They tell me that if they come back in to not have any contact with them. I comply and security leaves. I play DDR.
Strange thing, though. The family is STILL just right outside, on their phones. More and more of them gather. The newcomers are actually normal-looking people, though. I ignore it and continue playing. After 3 or so sets, I am quite tired and I have noticed a population of Marvel vs. Capcom players. I go to beat them. About 7 wins later, in the middle of a match, I see someone in my left peripheral. It's a very angry looking guy. He says to me "so you like bad mouthing old ladies, do ya"?
"Yeah, actually. But not while I'm playing". This response only makes him angry. My brain is thinking "kick rockball, juggernaut assist, make new rockball, fierce punch" but the guy behind me is calling me all sorts of nasty things. "You're a pussy" this "I'll meet you outside" that. Typical white trash making a spectacle in public nonsense. Then he's fed up with me not paying attention. He smacks me in the back of my head as hard as he can. He's got my attention. I stand with a "WHAT THE FUCK?" that would make even the Devil shutter. I stand and turn. The ENTIRE FAMILY is there. Acting totally normal, as if a member of their family DIDN'T just strike someone for no reason, even the normal ones. I address them: "so let me get this strait. You're actually trying to FIGHT ME because you and your STUPID family don't understand how to take turns?" None of them speak a word. "Not ONLY am I not going to let someone as pathetic as you GOAD me into fighting them, I'm going to get security and have you put, what I assume to be BACK in jail. How's that sound? Would that make it a grand GRAND MOTHER'S DAY?
I made my way towards the entrance. They were walking with me in stride, knowing I was about to do exactly as I promised. They go the opposite way, and try to flee, trying to look normal. At this point, T.K., the arcade attendant had already called security, shocked that this person had actually done this. While I was headed to the mall desk, another of the men grabs my arm. I say (I love this bit), "get your filthy, disgusting hands off of me, scum"! To my surprise, he does.
Within minutes the Police arrive. A few minutes later, they catch the entire family trying to sneak away. They see me with the police and security guards with my arms crossed like a disappointed father. I throw them my most sadistic, "gotcha bitch" grin. The police had already taken my statement and wanted his. They took him away and got it. They came back to me and asked if I wanted to press charges. Of COURSE I did! 8ut not before I humiliate him, his family and thoroughly ruin his mother's day, as I promised. I tell the police I want to see if he'll apologize and REALLY mean it first, before I go pressing charges. I really wanted him to reduce himself in front of his family. The police and I walk over to him and he says "hey, man, I'm real sorry for what I done. I just don't like it when people go shootin' their mouths off to my family. I am real sorry. With a kind smile I say "apology accepted". I turn my back to him and request the officers arrest him due to me being SO afraid of him hurting me again and that I will be pressing charges. His mother and sister started to cry and the teens with them started arguing with the police. The gentleman that struck me was quite angry and they had to force him into the police car. I turn 'round for the last time and say "if anyone needs me I'll be in the arcade.
That's all 100% true. I left out the part where I actually apologized to the grand mother while I was playing DDR. I didn't WANT to ruin her grand mothers day, after all. I just wanted to play DDR. Her daughter said "oh, you're only saying that because now there's a guy here big enough to kick your ass". I looked at the guy and he gave me a shitty look. I should have known then..... But, I said "well, despite that, my apology stands" and I went back to DDR.
This is the sort of thing that could only happen to me. I loved every second of it. I got to tell those pathetic scum how I felt and how everyone else feels about people like them. So what if I got hit in the head. Honestly, I already had a headache and it went away after that, but don't tell that to the guy that hit me.
Yeah, that was it.