A fitting end....
I don't talk to most of you right now, and for that I'm sorry. I moved to Dayton in April thinking that it would be my new home, even though I hate Dayton. I did this because Lindsay was here and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I thought she wanted to spend hers with me.
As it turns out, She doesn't. She and I are through. I gave her way more power over me than I should have and she used all of that power to crush me. She's with someone else now and seemingly "happy". Well, as happy as she likes to let herself feel she's capable of.
I'm still here, at her house, in Dayton. "WHY are you still there?", you ask? Simple, you fools. I have a job again finally and nowhere else to go. I will be driving again soon as well, but that doesn't change the fact that right now I'm not. Just like every other time that my life has exploded, it's done so in a fashion that fucks me so entirely and forces me to make decisions I don't wish to make. "Will you remain friends with her?", you ask? Well, unlike the rest of you, I have the ability to bury things ever so deep below the surface. Do I want to ever speak with her after what she's done to me, knowing full well what it would do to me? That will take time. I am, sadly, very forgiving and I do still care for her and she's been nothing but kind until all of this. That will prevent my defense mechanism from reducing her to strung-out, suicidal mess. The fact I considered it for a second makes me sick.
Anyway, don't ask me any questions because I don't have any answers for you. I don't really have any answers myself: only possible outcomes. To be perfectly honest, I feel lost and alone. To be even more honest, I've always felt lost and alone, so this isn't a new thing. It just wasn't there for a while. And I guess that's what happiness is for me; the lack of that feeling being lost and alone.
I didn't listen to my instincts. Things I knew had a high probability of happening that I ignored. Cautions from friends I should have paid more mind to. That want....that NEED to feel the way I imagine everyone else feels. It was just too hard to pass on. But, I did what I told myself I'd do and here I am. I paid the price anyone that's willing to take a risk might pay in the end. Unfortunately I paid more than most for that risk. Lesson learned....again.
I'm little worse for wear, but I'm still Josh Queen. I don't know that there's much else to say. I have to try to move on. It won't be easy. Christ, it won't be easy at all and I'm not looking forward to it. I know there's a lot of pain to come. It's just all part of my suffering for taking a risk and being a fool. Is it a fair price? Who knows? Who cares?
Where do I go from here? As some of you may know, I hate it here. I hate it here so much. Most of you have such small dreams. And that's okay! I'm not meaning to insult, it's just the way I see the world. I'm not right for this place. It's a too small for me. It's always been that way. Not just Dayton, I mean all of Ohio. It's just too small. I knew I could never stay but I always stay for the wrong reasons. After a while I might actually leave. Of course, I might find some other damned reason to stay.
But, that's all I really have right now. Have a good one.
As it turns out, She doesn't. She and I are through. I gave her way more power over me than I should have and she used all of that power to crush me. She's with someone else now and seemingly "happy". Well, as happy as she likes to let herself feel she's capable of.
I'm still here, at her house, in Dayton. "WHY are you still there?", you ask? Simple, you fools. I have a job again finally and nowhere else to go. I will be driving again soon as well, but that doesn't change the fact that right now I'm not. Just like every other time that my life has exploded, it's done so in a fashion that fucks me so entirely and forces me to make decisions I don't wish to make. "Will you remain friends with her?", you ask? Well, unlike the rest of you, I have the ability to bury things ever so deep below the surface. Do I want to ever speak with her after what she's done to me, knowing full well what it would do to me? That will take time. I am, sadly, very forgiving and I do still care for her and she's been nothing but kind until all of this. That will prevent my defense mechanism from reducing her to strung-out, suicidal mess. The fact I considered it for a second makes me sick.
Anyway, don't ask me any questions because I don't have any answers for you. I don't really have any answers myself: only possible outcomes. To be perfectly honest, I feel lost and alone. To be even more honest, I've always felt lost and alone, so this isn't a new thing. It just wasn't there for a while. And I guess that's what happiness is for me; the lack of that feeling being lost and alone.
I didn't listen to my instincts. Things I knew had a high probability of happening that I ignored. Cautions from friends I should have paid more mind to. That want....that NEED to feel the way I imagine everyone else feels. It was just too hard to pass on. But, I did what I told myself I'd do and here I am. I paid the price anyone that's willing to take a risk might pay in the end. Unfortunately I paid more than most for that risk. Lesson learned....again.
I'm little worse for wear, but I'm still Josh Queen. I don't know that there's much else to say. I have to try to move on. It won't be easy. Christ, it won't be easy at all and I'm not looking forward to it. I know there's a lot of pain to come. It's just all part of my suffering for taking a risk and being a fool. Is it a fair price? Who knows? Who cares?
Where do I go from here? As some of you may know, I hate it here. I hate it here so much. Most of you have such small dreams. And that's okay! I'm not meaning to insult, it's just the way I see the world. I'm not right for this place. It's a too small for me. It's always been that way. Not just Dayton, I mean all of Ohio. It's just too small. I knew I could never stay but I always stay for the wrong reasons. After a while I might actually leave. Of course, I might find some other damned reason to stay.
But, that's all I really have right now. Have a good one.