Meh.
I just looked at my Senior High school yearbook; something I promised myself I wasn't going to do for quite a while and for a quite a few reasons. But here I was looking, laughing, smiling, remembering. I don't know how to feel about it all. I had a pretty great high school experience. I was popular. By that I mean that I liked a lot of people and felt I was well liked in return. I had the respect of my peers and teachers alike(for the most part). I belonged to as many groups and organizations as was possible and still had time for friends, mainly due to the fact I hung out with whomever I was around at the time. I treated everyone the same.
I just have to ask myself "what happened"? So many people that I genuinely cared about are just gone from my life. It hurts me. I can't begin to explain to you how bad it GENUINELY hurts me. Is it my fault? Did I just not try hard enough? Did I make so many mistakes that being friends with some of these people just wasn't feasible any longer? Maybe it was their fault and not my own. But, goddamn it, I look at some of these pictures and just shake my head and it breaks my heart. I loved these people to death and now they're just a memory I get looking at some poorly developed with an improperly spelled caption. How does that make sense?
For years now I have been trying to survive. I haven't really been living. The Josh Queen I see in these pages isn't even really the same person, is he? The people he's with weren't my friends, they're his. I need to stop trying to be him and try to be me. For the longest time I have wanted to be him. I know it's pathetic; trying so hard to be something you WERE because you're afraid of what you might be otherwise. It was the last time I ever remembered being happy, though. I was actually happy. I honestly haven't been happy these last 6 years. Just one horrible thing after another. I really haven't had time to stop and take it all in. The thing I have. The things I've lost. The things I could have if I'd just let myself move on. Only wish I knew how.
I just have to ask myself "what happened"? So many people that I genuinely cared about are just gone from my life. It hurts me. I can't begin to explain to you how bad it GENUINELY hurts me. Is it my fault? Did I just not try hard enough? Did I make so many mistakes that being friends with some of these people just wasn't feasible any longer? Maybe it was their fault and not my own. But, goddamn it, I look at some of these pictures and just shake my head and it breaks my heart. I loved these people to death and now they're just a memory I get looking at some poorly developed with an improperly spelled caption. How does that make sense?
For years now I have been trying to survive. I haven't really been living. The Josh Queen I see in these pages isn't even really the same person, is he? The people he's with weren't my friends, they're his. I need to stop trying to be him and try to be me. For the longest time I have wanted to be him. I know it's pathetic; trying so hard to be something you WERE because you're afraid of what you might be otherwise. It was the last time I ever remembered being happy, though. I was actually happy. I honestly haven't been happy these last 6 years. Just one horrible thing after another. I really haven't had time to stop and take it all in. The thing I have. The things I've lost. The things I could have if I'd just let myself move on. Only wish I knew how.