Oct 05, 2005 10:21
(note: written in a fury of fear and frustration. Proceed with caution)
There's been a LOT happening since I last posted. Things are looking very up for me right now and, while I'm extremely busy, I'm feeling like I'm really in my element.
There was a lot of stuff I wanted to tell everybody about here - Red Cross training, the family, new roommates, etc. but I just got out of my Acting Aesthetics class and...well, this shit needs to stop.
My brain froze on stage.
I don't get it. I don't motherfucking get it! I'm taking this medicine the brain doc gave me. I've been doing everything just as I'm supposed to, yet a couple times a day I have those little 30-second spans where I can't understand English. I can't get in to see the doc for another couple of weeks - IF he doesn't cancel on me again, that is. Unil then it's just go through the routine and not be able to understand words at random moments. It's usually something I can get past, but it scares the shit out of me that it happened on stage.
I'm trying to be a campus tour guide starting in the winter, I'm trying to get a teaching degree, I'm trying to get a theatrical degree. How the fuck can I do that if my brain keeps wigging out?! Yes, I'm totally fine after it happens and I recovered after a minute when I was on stage, but I can't fucking freeze up like this at random moments! Even WHILE it's happening the only thing that suffers is my understanding of words, but how the hell am I supposed to accomplish anything if this I just can't listen or talk or read at any given moment?!
I feel like crying. I haven't cried for a long time. Things are going so well otherwise. I'm accomplishing things, but when you don't know what the hell is causing your brain to stop working, it's hard to feel a great deal of security.