(no subject)
I'm sitting around my house doing nothing at the moment, what else is new?
So today was rough, kinda had another mental breakdown. I'm letting all the stress and bullshit get to me, but its hard not to feel frustrated. I went through months upon months of therapy to better myself with the idea that i would have the option to go back to hofstra in the fall. Unfortunately because of Hofstra's fuck-up and the lack of help from those who promised to make this an easy transition, i cant go back. A year ago Hofstra was my school, it was the place i was excited to make a fresh new start at, explore new opportunities, a new life, and now its the bane of my existence. I repeated in my head, why me? Why does this keep happening?
Because even the little things like a guy who leads you to believe he's interested in a relationship and then trying to get some honest truth out he tells you he wasnt really interested at all.....well they get me down too. I wanted, still do want, a relationship cuz ive never had an actual boyfriend, and it kinda sucks becuz for years its all i really wanted. A part of me gets upset because I still do believe in the concept of "things happen for a reason" the idea that fate and karma controls, what goes around comes around, and you get what you deserve. But when I took a look at this summer and despite the fact that i had a great summer, i am getting what i deserve. I havent been fair to a lot of people, some friendships have been destroyed, and its understandable for those who wish to never speak to me again, some are being fixed, but of course actions speak louder than words. I think those that can be fixed are top priority now if I'm ever going to expect the same respect from a man. And its not just bettering myself for my future personal gain, i might as well just not do anything at all, but its because i did have good friends, great friends, but rather than spreading out my time with everyone, i just assumed as well to take care of it tomorrow. I procrastinated friendships i guess would be the best way to put it, and those people deserve the same respect i want, and i think that once i show people i am capable of that, life will start lookin up. I wont have to ignore and fear what other's think of me, because those people who i procrastinated, already thought the best of me, its time i proved them right.
On top of that I need to concern myself with getting a steady, good paying job so i can move out of Braintree or as i like to call it, my living hell of conformity and lethargy. I know everyone said i would miss braintree when i went to school and i missed my friends, i missed Boston, but no chance would i ever miss braintree. This is a nice town to raise a family and grow up in, but im 19, ive down all the growing up here that i can, i need to leave or else im gonna remain 19 for the rest of my life, and when ur 35 and all ur friends have moved on, sounds rather depressing doesnt it? Suburbia just isnt the place for me. I need the excitement of the city, even if it is some shit-hole apartment in Allston or Brighton, it's a lot better than this. I wanna improve my own quality of life because sitting around and waiting for the world change is boring, depressing, and its just causing me to focus on all the shit that's getting me down.
If i learned anything from therapy its that i do have the power to change things, despite the way i feel when life's getting me down. And i dont assume that this feeling of hope and even a little bit of excitement for the future will be on my mind forever, im sure ill have several more breakdowns before everything really does change, but at least when that time comes, ill know im trying.
So today was rough, kinda had another mental breakdown. I'm letting all the stress and bullshit get to me, but its hard not to feel frustrated. I went through months upon months of therapy to better myself with the idea that i would have the option to go back to hofstra in the fall. Unfortunately because of Hofstra's fuck-up and the lack of help from those who promised to make this an easy transition, i cant go back. A year ago Hofstra was my school, it was the place i was excited to make a fresh new start at, explore new opportunities, a new life, and now its the bane of my existence. I repeated in my head, why me? Why does this keep happening?
Because even the little things like a guy who leads you to believe he's interested in a relationship and then trying to get some honest truth out he tells you he wasnt really interested at all.....well they get me down too. I wanted, still do want, a relationship cuz ive never had an actual boyfriend, and it kinda sucks becuz for years its all i really wanted. A part of me gets upset because I still do believe in the concept of "things happen for a reason" the idea that fate and karma controls, what goes around comes around, and you get what you deserve. But when I took a look at this summer and despite the fact that i had a great summer, i am getting what i deserve. I havent been fair to a lot of people, some friendships have been destroyed, and its understandable for those who wish to never speak to me again, some are being fixed, but of course actions speak louder than words. I think those that can be fixed are top priority now if I'm ever going to expect the same respect from a man. And its not just bettering myself for my future personal gain, i might as well just not do anything at all, but its because i did have good friends, great friends, but rather than spreading out my time with everyone, i just assumed as well to take care of it tomorrow. I procrastinated friendships i guess would be the best way to put it, and those people deserve the same respect i want, and i think that once i show people i am capable of that, life will start lookin up. I wont have to ignore and fear what other's think of me, because those people who i procrastinated, already thought the best of me, its time i proved them right.
On top of that I need to concern myself with getting a steady, good paying job so i can move out of Braintree or as i like to call it, my living hell of conformity and lethargy. I know everyone said i would miss braintree when i went to school and i missed my friends, i missed Boston, but no chance would i ever miss braintree. This is a nice town to raise a family and grow up in, but im 19, ive down all the growing up here that i can, i need to leave or else im gonna remain 19 for the rest of my life, and when ur 35 and all ur friends have moved on, sounds rather depressing doesnt it? Suburbia just isnt the place for me. I need the excitement of the city, even if it is some shit-hole apartment in Allston or Brighton, it's a lot better than this. I wanna improve my own quality of life because sitting around and waiting for the world change is boring, depressing, and its just causing me to focus on all the shit that's getting me down.
If i learned anything from therapy its that i do have the power to change things, despite the way i feel when life's getting me down. And i dont assume that this feeling of hope and even a little bit of excitement for the future will be on my mind forever, im sure ill have several more breakdowns before everything really does change, but at least when that time comes, ill know im trying.