(no subject)
Almost a year into working as a correctional nurse. It's pretty bad ass, but very mentally trying. I feel run down at this point. Like I have nothing left to give. Swimming between anxiety, nausea, migraines, stomach cramps, and now a flu on top of it, it seems like I just can't breathe anymore. I ate lunch at 2:30 and now 3 hours later, my stomach is still full and keeps trying to regurgitate it. I need to keep it down though. I haven't been keeping very much solid food down at all lately. Lost like 5lbs in 2 weeks. I can't stop coughing now and it's like the fucking icing on the cake.
Randy is getting married today. I would have given anything to be that person a couple years ago. I don't know him anymore, but I can't help but feel an ache. Charlie is engaged to Arielle and he never seemed like the type of person to settle down. Not that I am romantically interested in Charlie, but it's crazy to see these things happen and see myself where I am. I do have an amazing career, but it's not everything. I'm still fucking sick every day. I don't know if Chris is right for me. He makes these comments all the time that tip me off that he just doesn't know me and I doubt he ever will. This morning I was crying on the couch and I wanted to wake him up so bad, it was like 9:30A, and just talk to him and have him hold me and tell me everything would be okay, but all I could think about was that he told me DO NOT wake him up before 1030A. It just repeated over and over in my head every time I wanted to go get him. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch...woke up a couple hours later. Felt like a depressed pile of shit the rest of the day. After he went to work, I fell apart again and cut myself. I'm just so sick of being alone and feeling alone.
I just got off the phone with Charlie and Dylan. At least they miss me too. I need to branch out. Here's a late new years resolution: Chris can not be my one and only friend. I need Charlie, Dyl, and Jess in my life too. Not to mention making new friends. Klonopin sure helps.
Randy is getting married today. I would have given anything to be that person a couple years ago. I don't know him anymore, but I can't help but feel an ache. Charlie is engaged to Arielle and he never seemed like the type of person to settle down. Not that I am romantically interested in Charlie, but it's crazy to see these things happen and see myself where I am. I do have an amazing career, but it's not everything. I'm still fucking sick every day. I don't know if Chris is right for me. He makes these comments all the time that tip me off that he just doesn't know me and I doubt he ever will. This morning I was crying on the couch and I wanted to wake him up so bad, it was like 9:30A, and just talk to him and have him hold me and tell me everything would be okay, but all I could think about was that he told me DO NOT wake him up before 1030A. It just repeated over and over in my head every time I wanted to go get him. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch...woke up a couple hours later. Felt like a depressed pile of shit the rest of the day. After he went to work, I fell apart again and cut myself. I'm just so sick of being alone and feeling alone.
I just got off the phone with Charlie and Dylan. At least they miss me too. I need to branch out. Here's a late new years resolution: Chris can not be my one and only friend. I need Charlie, Dyl, and Jess in my life too. Not to mention making new friends. Klonopin sure helps.