A deep ass convo

Sep 11, 2005 20:57

This is more or less for my memories.. and a motivation for me in the future.. who knows maybe this will help another person out there who struggles... like her and i do..

Hey.. I love you.. you understand me.. FINALLY!! lol.. you are so much like a best friend.. *mauh*

Me: well babygirl, you and i are dealing with the same exact things.I cant relate to what you feel about your fathers death.. but i can in a way cuz i have lost all of my grandparents. i have experienced it and wanted them back. i kno what what you are going through is hard... but you will come out on top. you will be so strong.. and you will be with a wonderful woman who shares the same interests and i think that thats why we BOTH meet such bullshyt women,, cuz they take us thru this crazi mind set of emotions.. but only to make us wiser and stronger... so that you can endure more as u get older. i can honestly look back when i 1st started messing with ladies.. and say that i am SO much more stronger. I have never been so emotionally attached so many times with men as i have with women. 2 men i was in love with... but i have been in love several times with women. I can look back and be like damn.. back then i dont kno how i owoulda handled what cheekz did to me. i might have killed myself over it. cuz back then i was not stable. and as i get older i kno that i can look back on today and say hey... damn i was so weak then but im so much stronger now. ya feel me?

My Friend: that is so true! i've never looked at in that perspective........it is like the more "bullshit" i come across....the more i strive not to be like that.....the more drama.....the more i thrive for peace..........the stronger i become...wiser.......even in my father's death........there is victory........i am soooooo much stronger.....im not intimidated by men because i saw my mom stand in the shoes of a man....a do a d*mn good job.......my hands are shaking.......i feel you....i do...

Me: i was raised by my father for the most part and i am scared shitless of men. they have this over powering feelin towards me. i never felt like that tho when i dated the 2 men i loved.. i have yet to understand that. but i kno that when i was 14 and i tried slicin my wrists open cuz my mother blocked his number and i couldnt call him. i tried to slice my wrist with a butcher knife. Although now, i dont think i could ever want to die.. not over a man/woman. actually, when cheekz fuckd me over i wanted to inflict another source of pain to get my mind off of her. but u kno wha stopped me? i didnt want the perminant scar... i didnt want to see that scar and have that as a PERMINANT reminder to what she did me

My Friend: did you ever think for a second Cheekz would hurt you like she did?

Me: in a sense cuz she said.. "i tried a LD relationship b4 n i couldnt handle not being with her, so i dont do them" thats when i 1stttt MET HER. then.. as she got to kno me she wanted to get deeper n as we talked more n more she said that this is something she wanted to try.. n i always asked her if she is sure n i told her what she said when she 1st met me and she said yes, cuz i am different and she loves me.. n i put my trust into her. i guess there is always a sign from the jump.. but we dont see it till after we look back on it.

My Friend: exactly......i usually know how things will turn out from the jump. never fails.....iono if it is because that is what i assume/focus on....therefore i act accordingly...making it inevitable.....or if it is destined regardless if i see it or not...........all except for my Xfiance.........but then again back then....i was very naive.....so young.....and inexpierenced...........she popped my cherry.............i would do anything to get that back........it hurts when you trust someone......like they say EVERYTHING right....even do things to reassure you....and then all of a sudden..............................
^^^that was the epitome of randomness........

Me: i understood it tho

My Friend: -broken smile-....thas why i love you..

Me: i mean if u look now.. u can look bak when u was 14 n be like damn yo.. i was hella stupid but while u was 14 u KNEW EVERYTHING. and so ... 20/21... and we now kno everything there is to kno lol... and we are still getiin hurt.. still goin thru the same shyt.. this time its juss a HELLUVA lot harder. but when u are 30... lol u gon be likeDAMN! i was soooo stupid when i was 20/21

My Friend: riiiiiiiiiiiiiii exactly....and i think that is where in my life i got tripped up. simply because even when i was very young....ppl said i was smart......and they listened to me...elevating before i was "mature"....therefore...instead of adults teaching me...they praised me....so i never learned to be taught....i didnt have a very teachable spirit either....because i thought i was "smarter" than everybody.....i still struggle with that.........thus i stay in ignorance far longer than i should....hurting far more than i need to....still "knowing everything"..........my cuz'n is the only woman i know that did everyting her mom said.....and now...she got her ish so undercontrol......and if you sit n talk to her....she is sooooooooooooooo not smart....she just listens and obeys really really well irony.... in it's truest form.

Me: yeah. im the same way as u.. every one.. "dang ur mature for your age" and i thought i knew a lot when in reality there is SO MUCH MORE. Im sittin here.. 21... still in school as a freshman and i dont have a steady job. I love to learn but my mind is hardheaded and i dont always apply what i learn.. to life. I just store it some where and later down the line some one says "I told you so" and thats when i rmember like yeaaa.... i kno. n thats when all the "should coulda wouldas" come into play. Till this day a situation can happen.. it can be SOOOo minor.. and ill sit and tear my mind up of how i SHOULDA dun it.. how i coulda acted... what i woulda done in the other persons shoes... how did i get away wit that... why did i get away wit that? where was ur ass that warned me then.. to warn me now. like shyt!

My Friend: omgoodness...if that aint me to a T......i've been making myself...listen.....and apply lately....it don't always work though. i wreck my brain

Me: I wreck my brain to the point where my brain wont shut up.. n il be up all night thinkin on it.

My Friend: trying to rationalize my actions. YES me too.

Me: yeah.. like .. for example i can think about all my ex girlfriends whom cheated on me. MATTER OF FACT... today... this chick said to me "so do u feel chicks cheat on u cuz u push em away, or dont give em what they need? You ever think its you?" N i got hella heated like what the fuck? How is this my fukin fault that these people are heartless and fukin loose.. but now in my mind im like dang, am i too strict on what i believe in? N then im like NO! why should i lower my standards for some one who will leave if i dont? If they cared then they would tell me what the "NEED ( notcie that in quotations) and not WANT... and see if i can sumhow understand and give them what they desire... instead of them not telln me, im lost, im thinkin its cuzza me n my ass thats been on a drought for three going on four years.. but then i have to have a convo wit my mind with my heart and be like no... this is you. they need to accept you for you and not whats between your legs

My Friend: "How is this my fukin fault that these people are heartless and fukin loose.. " OMG THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU because they are fucking loose......yo, this is what i have grown to know and believe....when i was a dumb ass...w/o a clue...chasing women for what they could give me....instead of being me...and enjoying women for who they were.........I STAYED...cheating (not sexually...mentally..emotionally)...........but why?? was it the girl/woman? NO!! not at all it was the fact i aint love myself....didn't know myself.......didn't have character.....therefore i was unsatisfied.....temporarily......i would find that wich filled me up...BUT...i was still hungry.....searching for myself in women............women women women.....trying to find myself....sanctity.....acceptance.........i mean, nik.....yo no lie....i've talked over hmmm 50 women no lie.........(sex'd only 3) but talk to 50.............ran game....they fell in love...and i laughed (i f*cking laughed, nik)............breaking hearts.....didn't care. you know why? because i aint love myself....nor did i know who and why i was here...that's why it was so easy for me to attempt to kill myself..............cause sh*t i aint think i had a purpose.................................

My Friend: so the answer to that girl's ?uestion is NO NO NO! you are nothing but RESPECTFUL AND LOVING to these women nothing but understanding.... you give you give you give you're sweet. yo, it aint your fault.....trust me these women ...are searching....and although you are great......they can't....can't.......... but i tell you the truth.....find a woman that loves her self that is chaste.....pure...living pure

Me: how will i kno when a woman loves herself though?

My Friend: simple......ok, don't call or talk to her......if she.....starts talking to someone else/ cusses you out/ gets short/mad/angry.........that aint no good! BUT if you don't call a woman for a few days...and she says, "heeeeeeeey, sweety.....missed you, how are you? What you been getting into?" and you tell her...whatever...and then you ask her what's she has been getting into and she replies. "i've been keeping myself busy..school...work....running sports...you know the good stuff, aw i missed you hunny...talk to me." you've got a keeper........ cause see.....a woman that loves herself........is doing for herself.....................living life........you dig........yet she loves others........she aint gwaan get mad at what YOU do....cause she don't depend on NOBODY to do anything...................she appreciates the good and couldn't care less about the bad..... everytime you talk to her.....it will be bliss.....she will be there when you need her...and ghost when you don't she will hold help...but never hinder if she irrates you....once....she aint it...period.

... whew..
thanx for makn me think..
... you were always on a higher mental.. one that connects!
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