Icha Icha Sensei Part 5
( Icha Icha Sensei Part One & Two )
( Icha Icha Sensei Part 3 & 4 )
Icha Icha Sensei Part 5
PART FIVE
The scantily clad or rather in some opinions, sexy Santa, or as Iruka calls him, the Perverted Santa stood inside of the academy blocking the hallway and pre-genin traffick. It was a friday and the last day before winter vacation.
Iruka wasn’t expecting it. He didn’t think that even if he had been warned he still wouldn’t have been prepared for it. The vision of a scantily clad, perversion of that reverent and jolly old sole, Iruka as well as his students were traumatized by the one dressed in a stripper’s version of Saint Nick.
.
IT WAS A PERVERSION!!!
“Sa- sa- Santa?” asked one quivering lipped mini-nin. Big Blue eyes turned moist as he realized that sacred saint and all things wonderful was actually a true myth.
Within a blink of an eye, seeing that Iruka had to save Christmas, immediately as well as scourge the trauma from his mind and the minds of his tiny little charges, Iruka let fly what he liked to call, “Scorched Chestnuts, Flames of the Righteous” the imposter let out a squeak as flames nearly seared his nether regions.
“Holy Night avenged, ice dragon from the coldest depths of the north pole, take flight and smite this atrocity” prayed Iruka letting out a water type attack. He chased Kakashi out of the academy, intermingling water and fire in intervals, Kakashi ran without thinking, not even trying to defend himself from his outraged love, and soon Kakashi found himself face down in a snow bank, while back in the academy.
Iruka was like a ninja possessed as Kakashi was ousted from the academy and in seconds the whole academy was boarded, protected, locked up tighter then Hokage tower in the midst of a battlefield. Windows were nailed and boarded shut, doors likewise, with super speed. Tap tap tap, thump thump thump, ping, ping, tap, tap. The academy was locked tight. A fortress against the assault of the perversion that Kakashi had made Santa into.
Along with the boarded nailed up school, Iruka had planted quite a few serious traps. And was very satisfied to hear his enemy squeak, grunt, cry out in agony, and shriek in pain, as he failed to enter the academy. What was left of his clothes could be little described as perhaps, a red and cotton loincloth, but surprisingly his cap was still perched atop of his downy head as he lay in the snow, badly bruised, scorched and bleeding, deservedly so.
Hammer still in hand his face still in the mask of battle, with the aura of the righteously peeved, Iruka glared around the academy at the gathered stunned chunin teachers and pre-genin students.
The children immediately felt relieved however they had to wonder, would they be able to leave the academy? Not that quite a few of them wouldn’t mind not returning to the academy but, how the heck were they supposed to leave? They were all trapped inside with their teachers and fellow students.
“THAT” growled Iruka. “WAS NOT SANTA!”
Naruto continued to sniffle. “H-how d-do you, sniffle, know, sniffle, Ruka-sensei?” sobbed the little fox boy.
Iruka bit his lip. “well, Santa is magical, and can only appear at night. He is pure and loves children. He does not wear- er” STRIPPER “wear uh, he wears nice clothes that Mrs Clause made for him. Yeah, and those were obviously cheap knockoffs from a low class establishment.”
The children all agreed with their teacher, even though they couldn’t figure out what he meant but obviously if Iruka-sensei said it wasn’t Santa then that guy was not and could never, never, be Santa.
Shino was the first to approach the subject of getting home.
Iruka sensei blushed and laughed embarrassed as he scratched at his scarred nose. “Er, well, umm, we’ll leave when the pervert is out of my radar.” He smiled pleasantly.
Iruka’s radar was well known to his more troublesome students. Iruka never lost a kid. He hunted them down for as long as it took to get them back in class or in detention. The teachers decided to play an impromptu game or two, raided the cafeteria for hot chocolate and eggs for eggnog. The decided to have a miniature party and keep the kiddies entertained until Kakashi got a clue and disappeared.
“He’s an idiot.” Muttered Iruka. How can he possibly be a genius? I don’t understand him at all. Maybe he’s what the name, an idiot savant?
An hour later Kakashi crawled away to lick his wounds at the hospital. Iruka made some clones then pried open every board and nail and window, allowing students and teachers to finally pass and go home.
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HOSPITAL - Kakashi's bedside.
“MY HIP AND MODERN RIVAL, WHAT HAS GONE WRONG? DID YOU NOT DO AS I SUGGESTED TO CAPTURE THE HEART OF THE PASSIONATE EVER YOUTHFUL EXUBERANT AND HIP IRUKA-SENSEI?”
“DID YOU NOT READ LOVE POETRY UNDER A STAR-FILLED CLEAR NIGHT SKY? DID YOU NOT WEAR A CUTE OUTFIT TO ATTRACT THE FAIR IRUKA-SENSEI’S YOUTHFUL EYE? OR SING A FAIR MEOLDY OT MELT HIS YOUTHFUL HEART?”
Kakashi scowled at his self-proclaimed rival and well, (wince) best friend.
“It didn’t go well.” Replied Kakashi in a weakened voice, it was raspy from its adventure in scream like a little girl in extreme agony land.
“I DO INDEED SEE THIS MY RIVAL, HOWEVER I MUST ASK, THOUGH UNGENTLEMANLY OF ME, YOU DID NOT PERHAPS READ THE INFAMOUS ICHA ICHA RENDITION OF LOVE POETRY?”
Kakashi’s bright pain medicated hazed eye gleamed, it was answer enough for Maito Guy, who with a heavy sigh sat down in the chair by the bed and shook his head.
“MY HIP AND MODERN RIVAL, EVER SO COOL, BUT PERHAPS YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN ONE LITTLE THING. THE FAIR AND SMITTEN-WORTHY IRUKA-SENSEI IS A MOST HUMBLE AND MODEST MAN. SUCH INFLAMING THOUGH I AM VERY SURE LOVE-INDUCING PASSIONATE READING WOULD NOT GO SO WELL FOR HIM. ESPECIALLY WHEN DONE UNDER A WINDOW WHERE CHILDREN MAY BE PRESENT. MY RIVAL, HOW CAN YOU BE SO CARELESS? DO YOU NOT WANT TO WIN THE FAIR IRUKA-SENSEI’S HEART?”
Kakashi sighed and buried his face under his hospital blankets. “I am a failure.” He whimpered.
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The Hokage decided it was time to take matters in hand. Things were far too out of control between Iruka the oblivious and Kakashi the outrageous.
“Initiate Mission: Trap of Love” commanded the Hokage smirking behind his pipe.
The Anbu went into immediate action. Iruka was snug as a bug in a rug, dressed in his flannel night clothes, layered upon layer of woolen blankets, he was sound asleep, dreaming of revenge and sweet dancing sugar plums, his sweet little students, creating a bonfire to burn Icha Icha by. Iruka was smiling in unholy glee in his sleep. He was quite happy, content, and completely deeply sound asleep. He didn’t feel the disturbance of chakra as Anbu carefully picked locks and disabled stinging traps, this Anbu bit on his lip hard to keep from crying out as one trap snapped on his finger, breaking it.
Breathing hard but silently, he tiptoed into the sensei’s’ room and glared down at the sleeping chunin, feeling his ice cold heart melt, just a teensy tiny bit, at the sight before his eyes. He reluctantly forgave the meddlesome sensei all of his faults including the times said sensei had yelled at him for turning in a late report, and even forgave the sensei for creating a trap that snapped his finger’s bones.
Iruka looked quite young and very, very happy, like a little caterpillar in its cocoon, the blankets were wrapped around Iruka and impossible to untangle the teacher from. The Anbu grunted under the weight, surprised by how heavy the sensei plus blankets, plus stuffed ragged ancient teddy-bear was.
Just a little bit away from Konoha the Anbu gently dropped off his package into the tiny one room cabin, and waited patiently for his fellow Anbu to arrive with the medicated and dosed Copy Ninja in tow.
Kakashi though medicated was not an elite ninja for nothing, even dosed and heavily medicated it was obvious he had fought his Anbu escort tooth and nail. The copy ninja was glaring balefully out of chakra cuffs and wire.
“Why are your doing this? What is this about? Who put you up to this?” demanded the irate ex-Anbu captain.
The Anbu smirked and answered him nothing. They simply shoved the shivering copy-nin into the cabin and locked the door behind him, also enacting a chakra barrier to make it impossible for either shinobi to escape from the cabin without the help of their Anbu guards on the outside.
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( Icha Icha Sensei 6 )