Naruto Fic: Meaning {ch.1} part one

[jazzy2may]

Summary: It was supposed to be a one night stand. How was Kakashi to know that Iruka wouldn't be able to understand that?

Title: Meaning
Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka
 Rating: T

Warnings: Angst, darkness, drama, emotional hurts, hurt/comfort adventure, romance, m/m slash, Yaoi

Length: 3,100 words so far.

If you dislike stories like this Don’t Read it, turn back now. Please be considerate and don’t leave a flame on the way out. Thank you, Jazzy. :D


Chapter One, Part One
It wasn’t supposed to mean anything it was just supposed to be a one night stand. The sex wasn’t even particularly spectacular. The chunin was sweet and curvy and hard in all the right places. Skin like silk, eyes full of emotions, exquisite indescribable. Iruka would fight him sometimes and that was fun to. Make-up sex was wild and frantic and the best sex of all.

But it was best not to remember those times. It was best to remember that Iruka was meant only for a one night stand

So it was best to remember only the boring parts, the medocre parts, the not thrilling parts. Best not to remember the pain Kakashi had caused Iruka-sensei.

Kakashi wasn’t supposed to fall in love.

Kakashi told himself over and over again “It’s just a one night stand” and “It means nothing." "He means nothing to me”. 

No one had told Iruka he was supposed to feel nothing for Kakashi in return.
 
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 IRUKA
 For Iruka it was perfect it was beautiful it was amazing. Iruka felt alive in a way he had never felt before. It wasn’t just sex for Iruka. It wasn’t even his first time having sex.

Iruka had experimented when he had been younger and he’d had a lover or two male and female alike through the years none of them had lasted long, Mizuki being the exception, that had lasted off and on all of their short lives together until Mizuki had betrayed Iruka and betrayed Konoha.

For Iruka Kakashi was different, he meant something to him. He couldn’t place when he’d fallen in love exactly.

It wasn’t like they’d had a peaceful relationship. Iruka hadn’t liked the jounin sensei of Naruto at first, because the man had come off as lazy and arrogant and uncaring, and someone that Iruka would not trust with his precious people his classroom children the children he’d trained and helped to raise.

Iruka couldn’t feel secure in the man when said jounin considered those same kids in the man’s opinion, “soldiers”. It had been repugnant to Iruka and had hit all of Iruka’s protection buttons and anger buttons. Not to mention, there was still a residual memory of the night his parents had died, and the young silver haired Anbu who had dragged him kicking and screaming from his aide of his parents.

He had hated that Anbu for keeping him from trying to help or trying to join his parents in their deaths.

Kakashi was fun and charming and funny and perverted but in a good way, and yes Kakashi lied but so did many shinobi it was in their job description, and sex with Kakashi was at least to Iruka magical.

It was everything he had dreamed it could be and at first he could pretend obliviousness and pretend not to see the way Kakashi distanced himself except at night when he’d sneak in to Iruka’s apartment and make love to him, or smell of alcohol and make sloppy love to him in some sleazy backroom just straight from a mission.

Yes, sometimes the sex had been a little rough. Sometimes there had been bruising, limping. Sometimes Kakashi didn’t heed Iruka’s needs and only took care of his own, leaving Iruka in pain and wanting.

But in the mornings it would be good, that is if Kakashi stuck around instead of sneaking off before Iruka could wake up and make them breakfast.

But it was easy to lie to himself and excuse everything as mission related or report related or teaching his chunins-to-be related.

There had been so many excuses he’d made for Kakashi and Kakashi's treatment of him.

Iruka had foolishly loved Kakashi. He had felt Kakashi was supposed to be the one great love of his life.

The one he was supposed to be with at the end of his life.

How wrong he was. How heart breaking painfully wrong he’d been.

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KAKASHI

Kakashi’s heart was supposed to belong to Konoha and to his duty as a protector of Konoha. Kakashi didn’t have a heart. Kakashi didn’t do love. Kakashi didn’t fall in love.

Iruka was a fool and an idiot, like Naruto, only Iruka had the age and training and experience to know better than to be so open with his feelings.

Love between them was a pipe dream. A lie. There couldn’t be any love because Kakashi didn’t love, period.

Kakashi pulled away from him. Pretended not to see the times Iruka looked in pain. He pretended he didn’t see Kakashi fans mistreat Iruka and corner his “lover” to talk brutally to him, to bring down his self respect and his hopes and dreams of being happy with Kakashi.

They were able to tell Iruka what Kakashi had not been able to bring him self to spell out for the chunin.

The Chunin was nothing, nobody, just a form for relief, that was all. They didn’t have a relationship other than skin. Sex is sex, it means nothing. Iruka means nothing.

Iruka was a chunin, he was nothing, no body, lowly, no rank, no hope for capturing Kakashi’s heart.

The chunin was weak. He was nothing.

Iruka tentively tried to defend himself from the jackals tried to get Kakashi to help him to tell them that they were wrong.

Little by little Iruka was diminished then eventually vanquished. Of course it meant Naruto had it out now more than ever for his former Jounin Sensei.

Naruto treated Kakashi like the scum he was in the little kyubi-container’s opinion.

Kakashi sincerely never expected to see Iruka again let alone share a mission with him.

He’d been careful to avoid him. He’d been careful to laugh it up with his fellow jounin and special jounin. Careful to sneer and make it evident to all and everybody that Iruka had meant very little to nothing to Kakashi, just a minor distraction just a one night stand, just an itch that was satisfied, and satisfied poorly, after all with one stick already lodged in there was hardly room for another!

They had laughed at that one, laughed derisively alongside of their favorite hero, their copy-nin.

Kakashi pretended not to see how gaunt or frail Iruka was looking or how his colleagues mother-henned him and took special care of him and glared daggers at arrogant shinobi who laughed at Iruka or tried to bed what the great copy-nin had already slept with and dumped like a bit of trash on the side of the road.

Iruka was devastated. He was a pale shadow of what he once had been. He was still teaching at the Academy but his life was in ruins. Parents speculated, his job was in jeopardy. Kakashi had done a good job of destroying Iruka and all of it because Kakashi couldn’t fall in love.

On their mission together Iruka was remote, distant, he followed orders but he didn’t engage Kakashi in conversation or in anything, not even mission sex.

Food was served and prepared quietly and eaten separately, Iruka did all that he could to keep away from Kakashi.

The mission was successful and they parted ways yet again.

Kakashi felt oddly bereft and he couldn’t figure out why.

Iruka bundled the orphaned child in a blanket and carried her home. He never looked back at Kakashi.

Kakashi shivered realizing he was glad Iruka hadn’t looked at him because over the period of the mission what few times they’d managed eye contact Kakashi had to admit Iruka’s eyes scared him.

They were old eyes, tired eyes, spark-less eyes, no life, no joy, eyes that were emotionless and dead.

Kakashi bowed his head and tried to bury his mind and sight into his book.

But nothing was making the pain he felt, the loneliness he felt, and the unease he felt disappear. Iruka was dead and Kakashi had been the weapon to kill him.

Kakashi couldn’t love Iruka.

Iruka was supposed to move on.

Iruka’s eyes were always supposed to be warm and expressive and full of sparkle.

Iruka’s namesake was also the essence of the man, playful and kind with a will of steel. Iruka wasn’t supposed to die.

Iruka was supposed to move on and find tru happiness and tru love. Kakashi felt angry all of a sudden, angry with Iruka. Kakashi would not blaim him self for Iruka’s foolishness. Everyone knew that Kakashi didn’t fall in love. He scratched an itch that was all. It wasn’t his fault Iruka had been an idiot and a dreamer and oblivious to the truth.

Iruka should have known better and should have known what everyone else already knew, Kakashi did not fall in love.

He did not have a heart!