Being a Christian
God never said it was easy, I know, and there is a really good reason why.... Because it is not..... I don't know where I'm at any longer, and I could really use some help, and just advice on the way I have been looking at things. I have gotten to the point where, in a way I don't care what anyone thinks, but yet all I do is care what they think, if that makes any sense at all.... It is like....It is kind of like I have gone for the rebellious, side, but yet I don't want to, cause I'm afraid of hurting those I love..... How do I put this......I kind of feel like I have lost all my emotions in life.... I don't really know how I feel about anything, and it is like I can't feel anything at all, at times. I have closed my self off to people, and tend to hurt them if I ever let them get close to me.... I pretend to be something I'm not, and I have gotten so far that I don't know, really, who I am..... I like getting the attention, but yet at the same time I hate being in the lime light.... I just wanna be liked, and get along with people, cause I hate fighting with people, though it seems like that is all I do anymore....
The other day I had this guy ask me if I was a Christian, because he was one, and he was just talking about God and stuff, and I told him that..... That I wasn't..... It was not because I was ashamed of God, no that is not it at all, it is because the way I have been living lately, I would hate for someone to see me, and associate my lifestyle with God.... And that I realized that now, really upsets me, but yet I can't find the motivation to change.... I don't have a Church any longer, and don't really hang out with any of my Christian friends, so I have really no God like influences in my life at the moment....... I hate myself at times, but yet all I do is think about myself. I'm not writing this to get attention. I'm writing this to maybe get a little advice... I know my friends can't change me, but they can help me out, in ways... And I think that is what I really need right now is friends.... My family is going through a lot right now, and I feel like a second thought to them. I feel like I can't do anything right, and though I try to act like everything is fine, my heart is hurting, and I feel so empty inside, and so alone.... I hate when night comes, cause I'm scared of the night... it is like the time when I'm alone in my bedroom, and my thoughts tend to wonder, and not for the good, but on bad things... Death, things I have done wrong... Things that could happen.... It makes me cry sometimes... And sometimes afraid of going to sleep. Death scares me, terribly. I don't know what would happen to me, if I were to die tonight, and that thought really scares me, but yet I still can't seem to get my life right... What is wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if I have died... I don't know.....
Maybe I shouldn't have put this on here, but I figure that it is my journal and that is kind of what it is here for, right? To write your thoughts in, so people can view them, and make comments.... Though, i don't really want any of y'alls comments, unless you really mean them.. I don't want just words being thrown at me, cause I can do that. It is not like I don't know Jesus, or God, it is just that I let the world get to me, and lost faith somewhere. I was reading this verse. A really old friend had given it to me in a necklace. It is one of those bottle cap ones. On the front it says with an arrow pointing up, "On Fire" and one pointing down (arrow that is) "Lukewarm". Then when you turn it over, and it has Rev. 3-15-16, which if you look it up in the bible says,
"Rev. 3:15-16" I know your deeds, and that your are neither hot nor cold, and I rather that you be one or the other! And since that you are lukewarm, I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
or something like that.... Have you ever really thought about that verse? When I thought about it, I realized that I was lukewarm, and that God would spit me out of his mouth, so to speak, because of the way I was living. Going to church, and then when I wasn't around my "Christian" friends, I would be act a different way... And that is wrong, so I think that is why I went cold, or whatever the worldly way is. It was easier, I guess... Or at least it was at the moment.. I was living a lie, and still am in some ways... I guess I was tired of people putting me in the "Angel" spot, the sweet one, the one who does no wrong... And because I knew I wasn't that, it just finally got to me... Maybe it was the guilt, or maybe I was just tired of being that person, I really don't know.... I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to end up doing in life..... I've been hurt by so many different people, and just about 80% of those people were other Christians. I like to be the nice girl, who gets along with everyone, and makes friends easily, but yet really in my heart, I don't think I'm that way. I'm scared, and worried about what they are really thinking when I'm not around.... I'm afraid to be the retarded person that I am, and just have fun..... I don't know..... It is crazy what goes through a persons mind, and no one knows..... That is why I think it is serious that we watch our words, and what we say, cause we don't know what that person is thinking, or how they truly feel..... I don't know really.....
I'll end this entry, and go to my room, and be ignored by the rest of the house.... Watch T.V. till eleven gets here, and then go to bed.... Tomorrow I'll get up, paste a smile on my face, so my parents aren't worried, and don't get upset with me, for being upset about something, and go on with my life... I live in a circle... Doing the same thing everyday, with the same people... My parents, and two brothers.... They are all I have, but yet, they really aren't there for me....... So those are the real thoughts of Amber..... Not really to pretty, but not everything always is.........
The other day I had this guy ask me if I was a Christian, because he was one, and he was just talking about God and stuff, and I told him that..... That I wasn't..... It was not because I was ashamed of God, no that is not it at all, it is because the way I have been living lately, I would hate for someone to see me, and associate my lifestyle with God.... And that I realized that now, really upsets me, but yet I can't find the motivation to change.... I don't have a Church any longer, and don't really hang out with any of my Christian friends, so I have really no God like influences in my life at the moment....... I hate myself at times, but yet all I do is think about myself. I'm not writing this to get attention. I'm writing this to maybe get a little advice... I know my friends can't change me, but they can help me out, in ways... And I think that is what I really need right now is friends.... My family is going through a lot right now, and I feel like a second thought to them. I feel like I can't do anything right, and though I try to act like everything is fine, my heart is hurting, and I feel so empty inside, and so alone.... I hate when night comes, cause I'm scared of the night... it is like the time when I'm alone in my bedroom, and my thoughts tend to wonder, and not for the good, but on bad things... Death, things I have done wrong... Things that could happen.... It makes me cry sometimes... And sometimes afraid of going to sleep. Death scares me, terribly. I don't know what would happen to me, if I were to die tonight, and that thought really scares me, but yet I still can't seem to get my life right... What is wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if I have died... I don't know.....
Maybe I shouldn't have put this on here, but I figure that it is my journal and that is kind of what it is here for, right? To write your thoughts in, so people can view them, and make comments.... Though, i don't really want any of y'alls comments, unless you really mean them.. I don't want just words being thrown at me, cause I can do that. It is not like I don't know Jesus, or God, it is just that I let the world get to me, and lost faith somewhere. I was reading this verse. A really old friend had given it to me in a necklace. It is one of those bottle cap ones. On the front it says with an arrow pointing up, "On Fire" and one pointing down (arrow that is) "Lukewarm". Then when you turn it over, and it has Rev. 3-15-16, which if you look it up in the bible says,
"Rev. 3:15-16" I know your deeds, and that your are neither hot nor cold, and I rather that you be one or the other! And since that you are lukewarm, I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
or something like that.... Have you ever really thought about that verse? When I thought about it, I realized that I was lukewarm, and that God would spit me out of his mouth, so to speak, because of the way I was living. Going to church, and then when I wasn't around my "Christian" friends, I would be act a different way... And that is wrong, so I think that is why I went cold, or whatever the worldly way is. It was easier, I guess... Or at least it was at the moment.. I was living a lie, and still am in some ways... I guess I was tired of people putting me in the "Angel" spot, the sweet one, the one who does no wrong... And because I knew I wasn't that, it just finally got to me... Maybe it was the guilt, or maybe I was just tired of being that person, I really don't know.... I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to end up doing in life..... I've been hurt by so many different people, and just about 80% of those people were other Christians. I like to be the nice girl, who gets along with everyone, and makes friends easily, but yet really in my heart, I don't think I'm that way. I'm scared, and worried about what they are really thinking when I'm not around.... I'm afraid to be the retarded person that I am, and just have fun..... I don't know..... It is crazy what goes through a persons mind, and no one knows..... That is why I think it is serious that we watch our words, and what we say, cause we don't know what that person is thinking, or how they truly feel..... I don't know really.....
I'll end this entry, and go to my room, and be ignored by the rest of the house.... Watch T.V. till eleven gets here, and then go to bed.... Tomorrow I'll get up, paste a smile on my face, so my parents aren't worried, and don't get upset with me, for being upset about something, and go on with my life... I live in a circle... Doing the same thing everyday, with the same people... My parents, and two brothers.... They are all I have, but yet, they really aren't there for me....... So those are the real thoughts of Amber..... Not really to pretty, but not everything always is.........