Five arenas on an Ash Wednesday while on disability...
Now, it's Ash Wednesday. I go back to work next Monday. There's been a roller coaster of emotions lately; I keep reaching out to various friends. Did I do enough on my leave? Did I do too much? How do I sit still and settle? Some of the concerns come from the amount I was with my parents, plus working the full-time and part-time jobs, plus trying to figure out what Fidget and I were doing. I was slowly burning myself out, so the full-stop with the surgery and disability couldn't have come at a better time. Here we are, almost to the time where I'm supposed to return to work. There are some definite concerns, more about my brain space. I'm unsure if the torrent of emotions are because I'm off birth control because of surgery, and once I go back on, I'll if not be less affected, at least I'll have a heads up as to what's going on. There's been some periods of weird complicated grief that reared its ugly head last week. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. Fidget asked if it was the isolation, that I typically engage with 15-20 people nightly and now, it's him and two cats. I've tried to outreach through my network to bring at least other people's opinions into it.
I do know that some things were accomplished on this leave. I sewed a pillow! I organized a bit. I read a bunch. I colored a very small amount of an adult coloring book. I think it became quite evident that I didn't know how to "sit," and if I was going to be in this house, I wanted to be working in it. And I couldn't do that all the time in a full neck brace when I felt woozy. And then I would get antsy and gretze at Fidget for not apparent reason other than I couldn't just keep sitting.
Coming out on the other side of this, I feel like this disability came at a good time to show me what the full-stop was and how much I had been working myself. I'm in the process of interviewing housekeepers and we'll have more organizers to come over next week. My hope is that once the condo is assembled, it can be better maintained. Then Momma will start feeling better. And Da-ee will follow. Right now, there's such a sense of sickness over there. And some of it has to do with the smoking, which is its own issue. Maybe with more cleaning, more outings, more air?
The other piece is my own health, which I've wanted to look at more closely. We sat down tonight and collaborated on a chore list and when it would be best to do them. Maybe having the list will make me less apt to want to throttle Fidget. Having it automated will take that load off of my mind.
If my parents get better situated and my household functions a bit better, then maybe my own health will start running more seamlessly. Bluejay told me tonight that she's noticed I'm hustling less, which is quite true. I'm not bouncing around three jobs. The private practice is pretty stable and I might take on a few more clients, but I'm not chasing and rescheduling people all over various counties. I have established hours, which is helpful. There's some automation in that.
Eff it. I should go ahead and do a five arenas post. And then I realized the last time I did one was in January of 2014 and I also mentioned that I redid my user info, which I just legitimately updated today, AND it also mentions that LAST surgery I had, so that's really weird, thanks, Universe.
WORK
I continue to be happy within Volcano Harbor, even though I've been on leave. I knew the pain was making me not great with my coworkers, but otherwise, it's been going splendidly. I was told that our supervisor is leaving, probably in mid-March. I have begun thinking about leaving Baltimore and moving to one of the other clinics in order to gain some experience, but overall, very happy. I'll be there two years come June, and I think the residual trauma from the Starship and Kangaroo Hut are finally wearing off. Both my current supervisor and my part-time supervisor trust my clinical judgment, even if my tendency to jump gets a bit in the way at times.
I'll also need to apply for full licensure, which should be a hoot. NOT looking forward to that!
I have been searching and searching about grief certifications, and one fell through that I had been planning on during this leave. Since my Blue Fluffy Aloe Plant is amazing, a program came to me in the mail, which I plan on attending. I might end up going to a day's conference in Philadelphia in April and spending some time with Kayrin and Otter Bucket. It seems as though I'm being pushed toward grief and additional education is always welcome. Maybe it'll become a niche for me?
FAMILY
Oh, sweet, loving Jesus. Thankfully, the medical appointments seem to be back on a three-month rotation which is much more manageable. I'm hoping that through this week, I should be able to hire a housekeeper. I think finally finishing the condo and bringing in someone to help with household chores and specifically food will take the additional pressure off my mind and I can better enjoy their company. I also think it'll help with their own mental health. Then the four of us can get on with our lives.
CATS
Sadie is still a bully and beats up Socks way too often. She spends most of her time upside-down on our new rug.
Socks is continuing to be a cankerous old man. He was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure (at the age of almost 18!) and now takes pills along with his pepcid in his morning dose of spray cheese. He's lost a lot of weight in a month, so we're currently trying to find new ways to get food in him. Granted, he would probably prefer a bucket of KFC, but that won't be happening for at least 40 days. So! We will think of new ways, like wet food and chicken broth in with the kibble he had been eating. He continues to want to snuggle under sherpas, purrs really loud, and has recently taken up snoring.
FRIENDS
I'm doing my best right now with trying to expand my network, talk to different people, and keep it moving. I've had some very honest conversations with close friends lately, and I appreciate their willingness to check me. Plus, I received some awesome flowers as a group gift! I was so surprised, and they're still trucking! It's good to know people are continuing to think of me, and also to let me lean on them if I'm not quite sure what's happening. I was also visited while I was home by several folks bringing various goodies- that was also more than I had expected.
I did notice that the Universe sent me very specific people to come visit. Some didn't respond. Some didn't pan out. I know I reach out more often, but I also realize that maybe these folks just weren't meant to see me? It helps me feel less isolated because I know it'll work out later on.
CAR
We still have Onyx. I had been predominantly driving my father's truck. There was a kerfluffle with tags and titles and all sorts of things. There's rumors we might end up with another car, so we'll see what happens. But right now, Onyx is still moving on and has something ridiculous, like 190,000 miles or something. The radio is busted and I'm missing two tire sensors, but I miss my little car. Fidget takes it all the time now.
RELATIONSHIP
This disability didn't break us! Though sometimes I wanted to throttle him. I continue to be amazed at how awesome it is to have him with me and by me, especially when my brain starts spinning about something I can't control. We continue to work on our partnership daily. I was driving the other day and realized that we have been together for over seven years, which is just amazing to me. Especially during the course of this journal, there had been so much upheaval and if I could truly find a partner I'd want to spend the rest of my days with. I'm lucky that our paths crossed and we continue to make our own path. Our wedding will be in May, and while that brings its own sense of responsibility and feelings of being overwhelmed, I'm excited for how the rest of this year will look, just from our relationship aspect.
OTHER STUFF
HEALTH
If I can remember the next time I do this, it's highly probable that this will become its own arena. I did just have a cervical disc fusion, which is a bit daunting that I had this major surgery done. They screwed my head back on! I'm in significantly less pain and I'm hopeful that once my body adjusts to having a fully functional spine, it'll improve so many other aspects of my health.
That being said, I am on light duty until April. So no spin classes or other equipment-assisted exercise until then. Just today I was able to get my tracker band back up and working, so I can at least start monitoring steps and my sleep cycle again.
Being a few hours in Ash Wednesday, I have been pondering what exactly to do this Lent. And although I'll maintain what I've normally given up, I'm trying to suss out some type of self-care program to help with the health aspect. I'm interested in cooking better foods for us. I know I was able to significantly improve my health in 2013/14, so think if I can re-dedicate to at least that mindset, I might be able to gain some traction. I feel as though we're coming to the end of my parents' move North, so more time for myself and my own health should definitely be on the agenda.
I'm curious what the next few months brings. I hope that this surgery and disability will continue to shift my mindset, and I won't be as worn down as I was moving toward. If I'm aware of an issue, I can make a plan to change it...
... if anything, I still know how to plan.
I do know that some things were accomplished on this leave. I sewed a pillow! I organized a bit. I read a bunch. I colored a very small amount of an adult coloring book. I think it became quite evident that I didn't know how to "sit," and if I was going to be in this house, I wanted to be working in it. And I couldn't do that all the time in a full neck brace when I felt woozy. And then I would get antsy and gretze at Fidget for not apparent reason other than I couldn't just keep sitting.
Coming out on the other side of this, I feel like this disability came at a good time to show me what the full-stop was and how much I had been working myself. I'm in the process of interviewing housekeepers and we'll have more organizers to come over next week. My hope is that once the condo is assembled, it can be better maintained. Then Momma will start feeling better. And Da-ee will follow. Right now, there's such a sense of sickness over there. And some of it has to do with the smoking, which is its own issue. Maybe with more cleaning, more outings, more air?
The other piece is my own health, which I've wanted to look at more closely. We sat down tonight and collaborated on a chore list and when it would be best to do them. Maybe having the list will make me less apt to want to throttle Fidget. Having it automated will take that load off of my mind.
If my parents get better situated and my household functions a bit better, then maybe my own health will start running more seamlessly. Bluejay told me tonight that she's noticed I'm hustling less, which is quite true. I'm not bouncing around three jobs. The private practice is pretty stable and I might take on a few more clients, but I'm not chasing and rescheduling people all over various counties. I have established hours, which is helpful. There's some automation in that.
Eff it. I should go ahead and do a five arenas post. And then I realized the last time I did one was in January of 2014 and I also mentioned that I redid my user info, which I just legitimately updated today, AND it also mentions that LAST surgery I had, so that's really weird, thanks, Universe.
WORK
I continue to be happy within Volcano Harbor, even though I've been on leave. I knew the pain was making me not great with my coworkers, but otherwise, it's been going splendidly. I was told that our supervisor is leaving, probably in mid-March. I have begun thinking about leaving Baltimore and moving to one of the other clinics in order to gain some experience, but overall, very happy. I'll be there two years come June, and I think the residual trauma from the Starship and Kangaroo Hut are finally wearing off. Both my current supervisor and my part-time supervisor trust my clinical judgment, even if my tendency to jump gets a bit in the way at times.
I'll also need to apply for full licensure, which should be a hoot. NOT looking forward to that!
I have been searching and searching about grief certifications, and one fell through that I had been planning on during this leave. Since my Blue Fluffy Aloe Plant is amazing, a program came to me in the mail, which I plan on attending. I might end up going to a day's conference in Philadelphia in April and spending some time with Kayrin and Otter Bucket. It seems as though I'm being pushed toward grief and additional education is always welcome. Maybe it'll become a niche for me?
FAMILY
Oh, sweet, loving Jesus. Thankfully, the medical appointments seem to be back on a three-month rotation which is much more manageable. I'm hoping that through this week, I should be able to hire a housekeeper. I think finally finishing the condo and bringing in someone to help with household chores and specifically food will take the additional pressure off my mind and I can better enjoy their company. I also think it'll help with their own mental health. Then the four of us can get on with our lives.
CATS
Sadie is still a bully and beats up Socks way too often. She spends most of her time upside-down on our new rug.
Socks is continuing to be a cankerous old man. He was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure (at the age of almost 18!) and now takes pills along with his pepcid in his morning dose of spray cheese. He's lost a lot of weight in a month, so we're currently trying to find new ways to get food in him. Granted, he would probably prefer a bucket of KFC, but that won't be happening for at least 40 days. So! We will think of new ways, like wet food and chicken broth in with the kibble he had been eating. He continues to want to snuggle under sherpas, purrs really loud, and has recently taken up snoring.
FRIENDS
I'm doing my best right now with trying to expand my network, talk to different people, and keep it moving. I've had some very honest conversations with close friends lately, and I appreciate their willingness to check me. Plus, I received some awesome flowers as a group gift! I was so surprised, and they're still trucking! It's good to know people are continuing to think of me, and also to let me lean on them if I'm not quite sure what's happening. I was also visited while I was home by several folks bringing various goodies- that was also more than I had expected.
I did notice that the Universe sent me very specific people to come visit. Some didn't respond. Some didn't pan out. I know I reach out more often, but I also realize that maybe these folks just weren't meant to see me? It helps me feel less isolated because I know it'll work out later on.
CAR
We still have Onyx. I had been predominantly driving my father's truck. There was a kerfluffle with tags and titles and all sorts of things. There's rumors we might end up with another car, so we'll see what happens. But right now, Onyx is still moving on and has something ridiculous, like 190,000 miles or something. The radio is busted and I'm missing two tire sensors, but I miss my little car. Fidget takes it all the time now.
RELATIONSHIP
This disability didn't break us! Though sometimes I wanted to throttle him. I continue to be amazed at how awesome it is to have him with me and by me, especially when my brain starts spinning about something I can't control. We continue to work on our partnership daily. I was driving the other day and realized that we have been together for over seven years, which is just amazing to me. Especially during the course of this journal, there had been so much upheaval and if I could truly find a partner I'd want to spend the rest of my days with. I'm lucky that our paths crossed and we continue to make our own path. Our wedding will be in May, and while that brings its own sense of responsibility and feelings of being overwhelmed, I'm excited for how the rest of this year will look, just from our relationship aspect.
OTHER STUFF
HEALTH
If I can remember the next time I do this, it's highly probable that this will become its own arena. I did just have a cervical disc fusion, which is a bit daunting that I had this major surgery done. They screwed my head back on! I'm in significantly less pain and I'm hopeful that once my body adjusts to having a fully functional spine, it'll improve so many other aspects of my health.
That being said, I am on light duty until April. So no spin classes or other equipment-assisted exercise until then. Just today I was able to get my tracker band back up and working, so I can at least start monitoring steps and my sleep cycle again.
Being a few hours in Ash Wednesday, I have been pondering what exactly to do this Lent. And although I'll maintain what I've normally given up, I'm trying to suss out some type of self-care program to help with the health aspect. I'm interested in cooking better foods for us. I know I was able to significantly improve my health in 2013/14, so think if I can re-dedicate to at least that mindset, I might be able to gain some traction. I feel as though we're coming to the end of my parents' move North, so more time for myself and my own health should definitely be on the agenda.
I'm curious what the next few months brings. I hope that this surgery and disability will continue to shift my mindset, and I won't be as worn down as I was moving toward. If I'm aware of an issue, I can make a plan to change it...
... if anything, I still know how to plan.