Brain spinning turns into arts-and-crafting...
I've felt the need to write sporadically over the past couple weeks, but then feel as though I couldn't put all of it together. There's times where I'm struggling, and then times where I'm elated. I know that the swings are relatively normal and expected, especially with the thought that the other shoe will drop and Volcano Harbor doesn't really want me that bad. I sometimes worry that they'll send me packing or that the paycheck depositing isn't real. There's definitely some trauma-like symptoms that are coming to the forefront; it's amazing to me that I have a job to go to 40 hours a week where I have a desk and clients are responding to me and my coworkers appear to like me. My hackles are up because of the baggage from before.
I try to check myself: this is real, I worked really hard to get here, and finally, some of my hard work is paying off. I understand that logically. The Volcano Harbor seems like a really good fit. That I was able to negotiate my at-home clients as well as the private practice clients to maneuver around the Volcano Harbor seems like it also fits. As though I've had to go through two years of struggle in order to finally be in a place of peace. That when I budget, there's money left over and we can start rebuilding our savings. That even though Fidget was let go from his canvassing job, it's disappointing, but not going to land us in the red again.
We were able to go on a date last night, a whole dinner-and-a-movie thing, which I don't think we've done since last year. It was good for us to get out and do something for us. We also went to the Farmer's Market last weekend which was something we hadn't done in at least two years. We're trying to make a conscious effort to put energy into our relationship. It seems as though we were in such a period of strife and survival that we became complacent in being with each other. Now, we're trying to actively do something together. Something that can get us out of the house and actively engaging with each other.
There's this mindfuck that I can't seem to shake, but I know eventually, it'll go away. To have nothing for two years and to struggle for so long has definitely done a number on my mental state. I know that logically, I could turn this ship around in about two months. Not to the point where we'll be living large, but I won't be so gun-shy when it comes to unexpected purchases or even being able to be spontaneous again. I'm working on trying to check in with myself and realize I need to purposefully focus on my own self-care. There is a need to put energy into things as the struggle and crisis is slowly ending.
While the job gain and other paychecks coming in have helped alleviate some of the brain spin, there's still those days where I need to check myself as to the progress I'm (we're?) making. For example, originally, I was going to go shopping with a friend of mine, seeing as I desperately need new bottoms for work. I started having a clusterfuck about buying a $70 skirt, which even though Kayrin gave me a coupon for 50% off, I still couldn't warrant spending $35 on myself. My friend canceled, so Fidget and I started tossing around ideas of using gift cards and going shopping. But it still felt wrong.
I started cooking instead, trying to use up some veggies that would go bad. Then I got the idea to finally do some crafting things I had wanted. I mod podged fabric into the old planner, then moved onto un-installing a toilet roll holder, reinstalling it where I wanted it to go, and why not do the upstairs? I'm currently having a break before making a cornstarch slurry to perhaps start on the wallpapering downstairs.
We advise clients to have a "toolbox" of things to do when their brains spin. It would only make sense that I take my own damned advice.
Already, I feel somewhat lighter. It makes more sense to me to buy brackets for the shelving downstairs, something I'll be able to enjoy and finally feel accomplished about, versus buying a $35 skirt, even if it's wicked cute. I had this lofty goal that our bathroom would have something done to it before Fidget's best friend returned home. Maybe today will be the day.
There's more to write, more of a five arenas update that is in desperate need of writing. There's work things to discuss, and how my family has somewhat stabilized, and interesting things that are going on with Onyx (tire sensor, bad much?). But I'm not sure if I have the brain power to break those things down right now.
Instead, I'll try to work on the self-awareness that eventually comes with stable employment. I'll rejoice in having this stable income for as long as it lasts. I'll be happy when I can put the mod podged planner away. Maybe there'll be more inside-house projects to tackle, because it's way too hot to do outside-house tasks. With Fidget not working, he's promised to get the outside manageable, so maybe there'll finally be mulch!
So many things are changing, and for the better. It's only logical that my brain would try to throw a hiccup when it's been accustomed to being shit upon for the past two years. Negative energy is still energy...
... best to redirect it to something productive.
{P.S. I totally passed my law test this week. Now to send the Board another $150, but that license is MINE!)
I try to check myself: this is real, I worked really hard to get here, and finally, some of my hard work is paying off. I understand that logically. The Volcano Harbor seems like a really good fit. That I was able to negotiate my at-home clients as well as the private practice clients to maneuver around the Volcano Harbor seems like it also fits. As though I've had to go through two years of struggle in order to finally be in a place of peace. That when I budget, there's money left over and we can start rebuilding our savings. That even though Fidget was let go from his canvassing job, it's disappointing, but not going to land us in the red again.
We were able to go on a date last night, a whole dinner-and-a-movie thing, which I don't think we've done since last year. It was good for us to get out and do something for us. We also went to the Farmer's Market last weekend which was something we hadn't done in at least two years. We're trying to make a conscious effort to put energy into our relationship. It seems as though we were in such a period of strife and survival that we became complacent in being with each other. Now, we're trying to actively do something together. Something that can get us out of the house and actively engaging with each other.
There's this mindfuck that I can't seem to shake, but I know eventually, it'll go away. To have nothing for two years and to struggle for so long has definitely done a number on my mental state. I know that logically, I could turn this ship around in about two months. Not to the point where we'll be living large, but I won't be so gun-shy when it comes to unexpected purchases or even being able to be spontaneous again. I'm working on trying to check in with myself and realize I need to purposefully focus on my own self-care. There is a need to put energy into things as the struggle and crisis is slowly ending.
While the job gain and other paychecks coming in have helped alleviate some of the brain spin, there's still those days where I need to check myself as to the progress I'm (we're?) making. For example, originally, I was going to go shopping with a friend of mine, seeing as I desperately need new bottoms for work. I started having a clusterfuck about buying a $70 skirt, which even though Kayrin gave me a coupon for 50% off, I still couldn't warrant spending $35 on myself. My friend canceled, so Fidget and I started tossing around ideas of using gift cards and going shopping. But it still felt wrong.
I started cooking instead, trying to use up some veggies that would go bad. Then I got the idea to finally do some crafting things I had wanted. I mod podged fabric into the old planner, then moved onto un-installing a toilet roll holder, reinstalling it where I wanted it to go, and why not do the upstairs? I'm currently having a break before making a cornstarch slurry to perhaps start on the wallpapering downstairs.
We advise clients to have a "toolbox" of things to do when their brains spin. It would only make sense that I take my own damned advice.
Already, I feel somewhat lighter. It makes more sense to me to buy brackets for the shelving downstairs, something I'll be able to enjoy and finally feel accomplished about, versus buying a $35 skirt, even if it's wicked cute. I had this lofty goal that our bathroom would have something done to it before Fidget's best friend returned home. Maybe today will be the day.
There's more to write, more of a five arenas update that is in desperate need of writing. There's work things to discuss, and how my family has somewhat stabilized, and interesting things that are going on with Onyx (tire sensor, bad much?). But I'm not sure if I have the brain power to break those things down right now.
Instead, I'll try to work on the self-awareness that eventually comes with stable employment. I'll rejoice in having this stable income for as long as it lasts. I'll be happy when I can put the mod podged planner away. Maybe there'll be more inside-house projects to tackle, because it's way too hot to do outside-house tasks. With Fidget not working, he's promised to get the outside manageable, so maybe there'll finally be mulch!
So many things are changing, and for the better. It's only logical that my brain would try to throw a hiccup when it's been accustomed to being shit upon for the past two years. Negative energy is still energy...
... best to redirect it to something productive.
{P.S. I totally passed my law test this week. Now to send the Board another $150, but that license is MINE!)