Burning the midnight oil two hours after midnight.
Finished yet another Lumberjack story this evening, e-mailed it and now just have to print it out before class tomorrow. Currently I am looking over the two page paper for my Practical Criticism English class that I have chosen to revise and expand to a 4-5 page paper, fun stuff yes. Despite all of the personal troubles that have seemingly drained me mentally I have done fairly well this semester in my classes though I'm a bit behind in some of my readings and Investigative Reporting has been more difficult than I thought it was going to be at least in getting interviews set up. Only real academic disapointment has been my oral presentation in Law of Mass Com which I got a C+ due to my very bad oral presentation. Anyone who knows me from before I came here knows I hate oral presentations with a passion but I'll have to get use to it someday. Good things have happened though, my mom is back home and healthy the tumor in her thyroid was not malignant and the surgery to remove part of the gland went perfectly fine with no complications. She is back home now, resting so a much needed weight has been lifted off my entire family.
The stories I've been writing for the Lumberjack have been doing pretty well, especially the mountain lion story which the advisor thought was the best story in the paper. I know if I read it right now I could probably find reasons why it wasn't and how to make it less of a story that for some reason struck the advisor as scary. Water fluoridation story was in this weeks paper, and it's still up for grabs as to whether the advisor will like it or hate it, I guess I'll see tomorrow and as she critiques it sink slowly into my chair to hide away j/k.
Went and saw a counselor about the major issue that happened early in the semester who thought it might be good to see a counselor in the Davis House for further psychoanalysis of the innner workings of my mind...what fun. No it's been good to talk about it though Monday, was the worst day for a first visit with coming off work and all. Next week will be better it's on a Wednesday, with a male counselor because it was thought I might be more comfortable in that situation though personally it wouldn't matter but I'm just going about this with an open mind and listening and following all recommendations that are given me even if these repercussions as Alice put it are debateable.
I've talked to Dan off and on about this mainly through e-mail and he has the confidence that I'll get through this just fine. I think so too though I know I'll always be haunted by this, especially while I remain here on this campus. I'm glad I have the friends that I have here that even if they do or do not know about the whole situation, (for those that don't especially those that I may have added to my friends list recently, just read my past journal entries....though be warned you might think differently about me in some way afterwards...if so thats fine I can live with it.) they have in their own ways provided me with a form of equillibrium to my life right now that has kept me at peace because they've (Ryan, Korin, Veronica, Dave, Daniel, Dan, Alice, Jessica, Kara and her interesting journal entires and as a whole the Lumberjack, and my all time love basketball) kept me in a way active mentally where I don't think about this that often unless I'm like I am now the only one up, working on homework, listening to music where my mind in it's fatigued state wanders from the work to be done and the person that is a building away that I still thinnk about.
I question why I still even care about her, I mentioned this to Dan in an e-mail because I do wonder why, especially because even though I was mainly at fault in this matter, the allegation she made was I think more devestating than what I said. I know I wasn't doing what her allegation said I was doing, but what I said was bad enough though not threatening and what makes it worse she claims she warned me that I had crossed that line but I don't have any recollection of that ever happening, and I don't have a selective memory that decides what to and what to not remember. The words I said were by someone who was very hurt and at the time in a apartment during the winter break, alone and nearly in total silence except for an occasional movie or the radio. But it doesn't matter, not at least to those involved in making the decisions in this matter. Essentially what I've learned is when your dealing with an issue like this is that your condemned no matter what even if you tell the entire truth...it doesn't matter, the atmosphere is that of being condemned and now I have to live with it for the rest of my days.
But the question still remains why do I still care about her even through all of this. Is it a part of a punishment by some higher power beyond what we see, just like it seems like where ever I am on campus except for at my apartment, or on the basketball court, and rarely at the J, I seem to always see her. Like yesterday (Tuesday) as I came into the Depot like I always do at around 11:00 to have lunch and finish homework before my 12:30 pm and 2 pm classes, I saw that she was sitting in there talking with her friends. I saw a window seat where I know there would be no chance of me seeing her unless she walked out through the side doors, taking away any chance of possible eye contact because I don't need any further accusations that I was contacting her through eye contact that could cause further trouble. Strangely enough as I'm sitting down at the table I look up and she's looking at me from her table just a very blank stare and the same brief look she gave me as she left to. Bad thing about being someone who people watches you see someone moving around you look up. What I see of her is mainly out the corner of my eye, or like what happened on Tuesday.
Part of me as I've told Dan and as I've told the first counselor I talked to, is essentially dead. That part of me was the shy person that she had brought out of the hermit crab shell as Veronica puts it and I honestly liked that person but now I've regressed back into that shell. Like I did my first two semesters here and the time before at College of the Siskiyous, I spend more of my time at the library now in the evenings, and though I enjoy coming back to my apartment when the library closes, there is something missing. The late night conversations or invitations to come over and have tea. I miss those times, and as I told the guy at the Davis House and told Dan, I no longer really care about being in a relationship with her now. If I could I would just rather have that friendship back, but unless some miracle happens that will never be. I wonder if she has any idea about how sorry I am. Did miss Burk tell her? Will I ever get the opportunity to tell her. I can't ask someone to do it, because then I would be gone from here. But more importanly does she, or would she care and did she ever care about me in anyway in the first place because if she had I would think she would have warned me before doing what she did because if she had none of this would have happened and this entry would not be necessary. The counseling will help probably ease the pain of all this and reduce the fishbowl like feel my life has taken due to this mistake. But it won't fill in the hole that's in me now and I don't think anything really ever will.
My family still doesn't know about this....I told the counselor that I'm waiting for the right time to do so. But I know if I do whatever the time may be would probably just bring more pain for me and her both because my family would surely get involved in some way. Will there ever be a "right time" to tell them, I honestly don't think so at least not while I'm in school. Part of me hopes for some miracle to happen in all of this, but I think thats the part of me that has died in all of this because I honestly don't there will be any miracle that could bring that friendship back that is gone now leaves me to wonder what would happen if many years from now if we were to run into each other out on the street somewhere would we say hello, ignore each others existence that is if we would recognize each other enough to remember who we were as far looks etc. Who knows....who knows.
My apologies for this long entry.
The stories I've been writing for the Lumberjack have been doing pretty well, especially the mountain lion story which the advisor thought was the best story in the paper. I know if I read it right now I could probably find reasons why it wasn't and how to make it less of a story that for some reason struck the advisor as scary. Water fluoridation story was in this weeks paper, and it's still up for grabs as to whether the advisor will like it or hate it, I guess I'll see tomorrow and as she critiques it sink slowly into my chair to hide away j/k.
Went and saw a counselor about the major issue that happened early in the semester who thought it might be good to see a counselor in the Davis House for further psychoanalysis of the innner workings of my mind...what fun. No it's been good to talk about it though Monday, was the worst day for a first visit with coming off work and all. Next week will be better it's on a Wednesday, with a male counselor because it was thought I might be more comfortable in that situation though personally it wouldn't matter but I'm just going about this with an open mind and listening and following all recommendations that are given me even if these repercussions as Alice put it are debateable.
I've talked to Dan off and on about this mainly through e-mail and he has the confidence that I'll get through this just fine. I think so too though I know I'll always be haunted by this, especially while I remain here on this campus. I'm glad I have the friends that I have here that even if they do or do not know about the whole situation, (for those that don't especially those that I may have added to my friends list recently, just read my past journal entries....though be warned you might think differently about me in some way afterwards...if so thats fine I can live with it.) they have in their own ways provided me with a form of equillibrium to my life right now that has kept me at peace because they've (Ryan, Korin, Veronica, Dave, Daniel, Dan, Alice, Jessica, Kara and her interesting journal entires and as a whole the Lumberjack, and my all time love basketball) kept me in a way active mentally where I don't think about this that often unless I'm like I am now the only one up, working on homework, listening to music where my mind in it's fatigued state wanders from the work to be done and the person that is a building away that I still thinnk about.
I question why I still even care about her, I mentioned this to Dan in an e-mail because I do wonder why, especially because even though I was mainly at fault in this matter, the allegation she made was I think more devestating than what I said. I know I wasn't doing what her allegation said I was doing, but what I said was bad enough though not threatening and what makes it worse she claims she warned me that I had crossed that line but I don't have any recollection of that ever happening, and I don't have a selective memory that decides what to and what to not remember. The words I said were by someone who was very hurt and at the time in a apartment during the winter break, alone and nearly in total silence except for an occasional movie or the radio. But it doesn't matter, not at least to those involved in making the decisions in this matter. Essentially what I've learned is when your dealing with an issue like this is that your condemned no matter what even if you tell the entire truth...it doesn't matter, the atmosphere is that of being condemned and now I have to live with it for the rest of my days.
But the question still remains why do I still care about her even through all of this. Is it a part of a punishment by some higher power beyond what we see, just like it seems like where ever I am on campus except for at my apartment, or on the basketball court, and rarely at the J, I seem to always see her. Like yesterday (Tuesday) as I came into the Depot like I always do at around 11:00 to have lunch and finish homework before my 12:30 pm and 2 pm classes, I saw that she was sitting in there talking with her friends. I saw a window seat where I know there would be no chance of me seeing her unless she walked out through the side doors, taking away any chance of possible eye contact because I don't need any further accusations that I was contacting her through eye contact that could cause further trouble. Strangely enough as I'm sitting down at the table I look up and she's looking at me from her table just a very blank stare and the same brief look she gave me as she left to. Bad thing about being someone who people watches you see someone moving around you look up. What I see of her is mainly out the corner of my eye, or like what happened on Tuesday.
Part of me as I've told Dan and as I've told the first counselor I talked to, is essentially dead. That part of me was the shy person that she had brought out of the hermit crab shell as Veronica puts it and I honestly liked that person but now I've regressed back into that shell. Like I did my first two semesters here and the time before at College of the Siskiyous, I spend more of my time at the library now in the evenings, and though I enjoy coming back to my apartment when the library closes, there is something missing. The late night conversations or invitations to come over and have tea. I miss those times, and as I told the guy at the Davis House and told Dan, I no longer really care about being in a relationship with her now. If I could I would just rather have that friendship back, but unless some miracle happens that will never be. I wonder if she has any idea about how sorry I am. Did miss Burk tell her? Will I ever get the opportunity to tell her. I can't ask someone to do it, because then I would be gone from here. But more importanly does she, or would she care and did she ever care about me in anyway in the first place because if she had I would think she would have warned me before doing what she did because if she had none of this would have happened and this entry would not be necessary. The counseling will help probably ease the pain of all this and reduce the fishbowl like feel my life has taken due to this mistake. But it won't fill in the hole that's in me now and I don't think anything really ever will.
My family still doesn't know about this....I told the counselor that I'm waiting for the right time to do so. But I know if I do whatever the time may be would probably just bring more pain for me and her both because my family would surely get involved in some way. Will there ever be a "right time" to tell them, I honestly don't think so at least not while I'm in school. Part of me hopes for some miracle to happen in all of this, but I think thats the part of me that has died in all of this because I honestly don't there will be any miracle that could bring that friendship back that is gone now leaves me to wonder what would happen if many years from now if we were to run into each other out on the street somewhere would we say hello, ignore each others existence that is if we would recognize each other enough to remember who we were as far looks etc. Who knows....who knows.
My apologies for this long entry.