life
So as I sit here listening to Evanescence in my miserible room contemplating about life in general...I find that i should prolly write it all down. Well... my life has not been the most exciting thing. Just to warn all of you...if you don't care to listen to someone complain and wine about life then stop reading and go stick it up ur ass and fuck off. I'm not lookin for pity and don't need anyones sympathy. Anyway. I just wanna vent and get all of my mixed emotions out of my mind so i can possibly stop thinking about them for awhile.
Its been a year almost since my life turned for the worst. And ya know i don't mind makin a quick summary. So last year (senior year) I had the life. Great social life, like i've never had at holy cross. Good grades (compared to what i had), a great love life, support from friends and family...everything u can think of i prolly had. I was on top. I was so proud of myself...i persued great things and was a great person. My personality, to me, was perfect...I was the nicest person to anyone i met, even had a smile on my face the entire time. Once i found that happiness and experienced that amount of bliss i call it...wouldn't ya know...life isn't meant to be like that. The abuse i suffered from my parents and ignorant family wasn't enough for 17 years...why not really let him have it. So whatever. Life took its course.
My first ACTUAL love that i had in my life left me. Shit happens i guess. I don't feel like complaining about that anymore. People are sick of hearing it and i'm sick of thinking how pathetic i am for still dwelling on that subject. (read about it in that other entry somewhere on here) So i was upset obviously. Something that not one person knows about with the exception of a few friends really hit me hard. I'm not the brightest person in the world if ya'll didn't know. I was rejected from numerous schools that i applied 2. Actually, i'll just stop there. So that kicked in round that time. So i was upset obviously from just the ammount of rejection i have recieved. So what did i do? Turned to my parents because one they wanted to know what was wrong with me and two i wanted to share my life with them. So after awhile of my mother guessin what was wrong with me the last thing she laughed about and asked r u gay?? So watever. i nodded my head with tears puring down my face and what happened? "no ur not" u can guess where it goes from there. I go up to kasia's house and fall on my knees and cry. I don't cry. but w.e. the next day was even worse. My mother took me in to my school psychologists or w/e and we talked for 2 hours. Numerous negative things came out of my mothers mouth. "its disgusting." "its not right" and the best of all "my son died to me last nite" That was a keeper. Not once did she look at me in that room. That was the worst two hours of my life and i KNOW nothing will ever top it. So my mom left and my therapist (my mother in that school) came back in crying and laid her head on my shoulder. I'm actually startin to tear over that thought that such hatred and ignorance can hurt her. I loved my mrs casey(school psychologist) she lead me through the worst time of my life. so from then on in...suffering and misery was a part of my every day life. I was never happy again. I was sent to NUMEROUS doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and priests. The ammount of rejection i recieved all at once was describe to me from a psychiatrist a "tramatizing experience that will affect the rest of my life" now i did not want to think of it as that but it did. My life has not been the same and i don't know if it ever will be again.
Now to skip a years worth of drama and pain and blah blah. I sit here in my dorm room thinking of how miserible life really is and how it has not changed. I've tried to look on the bright side but all i can think of i just how pointless a life really is. We spend the best years of our lives working hard to become "successful" in life. Successful being worker ants in a society where ur treated like garbage unless u own a county. How r we suppossed to be happy with such a life of boring unexciting rituals. but i won't go further and bitch. I've come to realize that misery is now just a part of everyones life. Whatever happiness comes round i can't except. I have actually realized that. I have the best guy friend anyone can ask for. Whats stopping me from pursuing any kind of intimate/loving relationship with him i don't know. My body is numb to that kind of bliss. I don't even know where this freakin entry is goin. i have so many thing on my mind.
School is horrible. I thought coming here to uconn would be great. i mean i'm thankful i'm at this school. god knows i don't deserve to be but i'm miserible here. I don't really know anyone that i care to open up 2. I just feel like a burden to those who do know me here which is only a select few. I'm doin so bad here in school. My grades are the worst of any i ever had even in high school. my roommate is a SCUMBAG above ALL scumbags. i've never EVER met anyone who i actually hated. I don't hate people...i dislike them for there own reasons but i do not hate. But man...he makes me HATE being here at uconn. i wanna be (sadly enough) home where i can hide from my parents in my room...drive to school...and work and keep away from them. I look back to last semester and think about how much i loved it. Why did i leave? but w/e to late for that. my parents r makin it so much harder. there r days where i just wanna die because they push me so much. i dunno whats goin on with them and i don't feel like writing it down. I just have no faith in myself anymore.
I feel that i miss my ex but i have no idea anymore. That is a problem all in its own. I dunno why i miss him. I think i just miss his presence in my life. i dunno. not in the mood 2 think about it.
i need major help and don't know where to go. Killing myself is always in my thoughts day in and day out. why can't i be myself anymore. I'm such a blah person. i don't have high hopes for anything anymore. i don't know where my life is goin. and I don't know where i'm goin with this. I just feel the need to say something. I dunno what it is. I just have this HUGE hole in me that i don't think will ever be filled again. I Can't move on from this pain and i don't understand why. I dunno. i'm goin to bed. i'll prolly fix this up later if not watever its fine. nite
answer me these questions. Why do i continue to want to die everyday? I am grateful of my health and of what i have but why am i just such a different person now? was it a test? Is life fucking with me? Why am i full of so much hatred ? wtf happened to the pete i even loved. god knows i didn't love myself y entire life and then when i finally did...shit happened. am i meant to not be happy? My friend can't even make me happy anymore. I'm so...how do i describe it in one word...empty?
and note... please save the pity messages and ur negative thoughts about how dramtic this shit sounds. its life and we all do it... i don't need ur aww its okay baby or ur move on shit. easier said then done my friends. u go through that shit at once and then tell me move on. I dunno what i need. i need something. i need some form of help. peace
Its been a year almost since my life turned for the worst. And ya know i don't mind makin a quick summary. So last year (senior year) I had the life. Great social life, like i've never had at holy cross. Good grades (compared to what i had), a great love life, support from friends and family...everything u can think of i prolly had. I was on top. I was so proud of myself...i persued great things and was a great person. My personality, to me, was perfect...I was the nicest person to anyone i met, even had a smile on my face the entire time. Once i found that happiness and experienced that amount of bliss i call it...wouldn't ya know...life isn't meant to be like that. The abuse i suffered from my parents and ignorant family wasn't enough for 17 years...why not really let him have it. So whatever. Life took its course.
My first ACTUAL love that i had in my life left me. Shit happens i guess. I don't feel like complaining about that anymore. People are sick of hearing it and i'm sick of thinking how pathetic i am for still dwelling on that subject. (read about it in that other entry somewhere on here) So i was upset obviously. Something that not one person knows about with the exception of a few friends really hit me hard. I'm not the brightest person in the world if ya'll didn't know. I was rejected from numerous schools that i applied 2. Actually, i'll just stop there. So that kicked in round that time. So i was upset obviously from just the ammount of rejection i have recieved. So what did i do? Turned to my parents because one they wanted to know what was wrong with me and two i wanted to share my life with them. So after awhile of my mother guessin what was wrong with me the last thing she laughed about and asked r u gay?? So watever. i nodded my head with tears puring down my face and what happened? "no ur not" u can guess where it goes from there. I go up to kasia's house and fall on my knees and cry. I don't cry. but w.e. the next day was even worse. My mother took me in to my school psychologists or w/e and we talked for 2 hours. Numerous negative things came out of my mothers mouth. "its disgusting." "its not right" and the best of all "my son died to me last nite" That was a keeper. Not once did she look at me in that room. That was the worst two hours of my life and i KNOW nothing will ever top it. So my mom left and my therapist (my mother in that school) came back in crying and laid her head on my shoulder. I'm actually startin to tear over that thought that such hatred and ignorance can hurt her. I loved my mrs casey(school psychologist) she lead me through the worst time of my life. so from then on in...suffering and misery was a part of my every day life. I was never happy again. I was sent to NUMEROUS doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and priests. The ammount of rejection i recieved all at once was describe to me from a psychiatrist a "tramatizing experience that will affect the rest of my life" now i did not want to think of it as that but it did. My life has not been the same and i don't know if it ever will be again.
Now to skip a years worth of drama and pain and blah blah. I sit here in my dorm room thinking of how miserible life really is and how it has not changed. I've tried to look on the bright side but all i can think of i just how pointless a life really is. We spend the best years of our lives working hard to become "successful" in life. Successful being worker ants in a society where ur treated like garbage unless u own a county. How r we suppossed to be happy with such a life of boring unexciting rituals. but i won't go further and bitch. I've come to realize that misery is now just a part of everyones life. Whatever happiness comes round i can't except. I have actually realized that. I have the best guy friend anyone can ask for. Whats stopping me from pursuing any kind of intimate/loving relationship with him i don't know. My body is numb to that kind of bliss. I don't even know where this freakin entry is goin. i have so many thing on my mind.
School is horrible. I thought coming here to uconn would be great. i mean i'm thankful i'm at this school. god knows i don't deserve to be but i'm miserible here. I don't really know anyone that i care to open up 2. I just feel like a burden to those who do know me here which is only a select few. I'm doin so bad here in school. My grades are the worst of any i ever had even in high school. my roommate is a SCUMBAG above ALL scumbags. i've never EVER met anyone who i actually hated. I don't hate people...i dislike them for there own reasons but i do not hate. But man...he makes me HATE being here at uconn. i wanna be (sadly enough) home where i can hide from my parents in my room...drive to school...and work and keep away from them. I look back to last semester and think about how much i loved it. Why did i leave? but w/e to late for that. my parents r makin it so much harder. there r days where i just wanna die because they push me so much. i dunno whats goin on with them and i don't feel like writing it down. I just have no faith in myself anymore.
I feel that i miss my ex but i have no idea anymore. That is a problem all in its own. I dunno why i miss him. I think i just miss his presence in my life. i dunno. not in the mood 2 think about it.
i need major help and don't know where to go. Killing myself is always in my thoughts day in and day out. why can't i be myself anymore. I'm such a blah person. i don't have high hopes for anything anymore. i don't know where my life is goin. and I don't know where i'm goin with this. I just feel the need to say something. I dunno what it is. I just have this HUGE hole in me that i don't think will ever be filled again. I Can't move on from this pain and i don't understand why. I dunno. i'm goin to bed. i'll prolly fix this up later if not watever its fine. nite
answer me these questions. Why do i continue to want to die everyday? I am grateful of my health and of what i have but why am i just such a different person now? was it a test? Is life fucking with me? Why am i full of so much hatred ? wtf happened to the pete i even loved. god knows i didn't love myself y entire life and then when i finally did...shit happened. am i meant to not be happy? My friend can't even make me happy anymore. I'm so...how do i describe it in one word...empty?
and note... please save the pity messages and ur negative thoughts about how dramtic this shit sounds. its life and we all do it... i don't need ur aww its okay baby or ur move on shit. easier said then done my friends. u go through that shit at once and then tell me move on. I dunno what i need. i need something. i need some form of help. peace