153.
i hope eating slightly undercooked fish won't hurt me too much.
if you really want my schedule, i'll just comment it to you.
this is what happened.
with topping, sam, kate beason, chris stergalas, and his boyfriend chase. we had a barbeque in the wyandotte park. i brought along meesh and adan, because meesh hadn't met him yet (i'm trying to set them up. it isn't working). the barbeque was okay. i watched chris chuck a hot dog and make the barbeque suddenly burst into a giant fireball. i ate a veggie-dog, and it was good. after everyone left, adan, meesh, &i just moseyed around wyandotte until mother promptly picked us all up.
then
&i felt really arrogant. like, 'i'm better than all of those fucking freshmen. haha, i r0xz0rzzz'. sort of. my schedule's okay, although i don't know how i'm going to handle biology first thing in the morning. there's at least one person i know in every class, so that's handy. dave is in two of my classes, which is neat because we haven't had anything together since music in eigth grade. good times. i also have the same lunch as him, meesh, steph, bennett (indifference), &other random people i guess. it's quite crowded. there's about 50 girls in my gym class (last hour, thankfully). i swear, all the girls are stick thing, with streaky hair, and they talk the same. it's more creepy than it is annoying i think. there's this new girl named ashley mitchell, and i think she's really interesting looking, though i'm probably never going to talk to her. oh, and jessica french is back. she went to my school in eigth grade for a few months while people like jared and the like drooled over her. her hipbones are like, a foot away from her body. arrrr, jealousy. whatever, we probably won't talk either.
&later that day
i constantly used to bug michelle by saying things in some form of, "mike doesn't like me and is going to break up with me" for awhile. well sure enough, i called him because he said he had something serious to talk to me about the day before. i knew it was coming. what other serious thing is there to say? i doubt mike could get pregnant. anyway, he said that he still loved me but it just wasn't the right time. how my mother has things set up now...there's just not really a chance. i told him i understood, because i did. and i said maybe in a few years, when i have more freedom (and a car) we could try this again.
but then he said he liked someone else...
and that completely crushed me. in my opinion, it's physically and mentally impossible. which led me to the conclusion that he didn't really love me and just...i got off the phone with him and started to cry. and i wrote some shitty song too, it was pretty pathetic. but a good cry like that made me feel a little better at least. my mind just likes to twist things around like that i guess.
i don't know.
other interesting things.
her name is lauren smith and i used to go to her house for this youth group thing. she's in my gym class, and was one of the only people i knew in there. so, we started talking. i remembered her as the really nice almost to the point of being annoying christian girl. well, let's see. she says she's bi, smokes, drinks, used to OD, used to SI, and has dabbled in both anorexia and bulimia.
shockshockshock.
she's still nice at least. she became less annoying. but today, she asked me if i was bi. i don't know...that doesn't really mean anything but i guess i took it that she wanted to know if i was so she could possibly date me in the future. now, i see that i was just being too critical. i think. ah well. girls will be boys.
according to me, for it's what i wrote on his arm today along with other various things. he's actually really nice now that i talk to him more, and i wish i could hang out with him. i sit behind him in algebra, and we're against the wall so we're almost secluded. he likes to touch my arms and face a lot. i don't know. i pet him and give him goosebumps, and lots of people think i'm dating him i'm sure. i don't know, i'm just like that i guess. i don't mean to flirt (if you can call that flirting). he's just fun i guess.
i was feeling adventurous yesterday, and instead of getting a trim, i got about four inches off. some people can tell, some people can't. i'm glad i didn't go any shorter. at first i didn't like it, but i guess it's ok now. i feel really...cute. and girly. and of course, when i say this i do a pouty face which doesn't make the problem any better.
&for why i'm in a sad/stressed/confused/frustraded mood.
i talked to mike and invited him to the game the day before, but he wasn't sure if he could go. i talked to adan, and he said he might be able to go, so that made me feel a little better at least. in the end, adan couldn't come, and mike ended up coming about half an hour into the game. i saw anthony there, and rachel too with her ghetto friend and kerri. when mike came over, i expected him to just run up and hug me, but it was more of a general hello. it was awkward almost, like either he felt weird touching me or i felt weird touching him. in the end, i just gave up and decided i couldn't hug him back. i liked him too much, and i didn't want him to know. i was afraid he just wanted to use me or something. he was kneeling on the ground and i was sort of twirling my finger around in circles on his shoulder, and he went to get up and i swore i thought he pushed me away, and i felt really bad. i kind of felt like he was ignoring me too, but then again that's probably just because i'm too critical/selfish/etc. i felt bad that he treated meesh the same he would me. i didn't want to be just another friend that he hugs. actually, i just wanted to go sit with him somewhere but it'd be rude to leave everybody behind. i became really sad though, just torturing myself with ugly thoughts until i convinced myself that he hated me. later we sat down away from people and talked. i told him i was afraid to hug him back because i liked him so much...and i didn't want to just fall without anyone to catch me, if you will. he said that he really did love me, but then the whole liking someone else kept coming up and it just made me feel kind of shitty. i guess he doesn't like her or whatever now, and just loves me. it's silly, to be blunt. 'i love you, and will go to homecoming with you, but for now i shall date other people'. maybe that's being too harsh, i don't know. i just feel bad and i really like him. i'm afraid he won't feel the same in two years, or i won't, or just something will happen. i don't know. gnh.
it scared me, because he asked me if i wanted one last kiss a little before he left. i wanted to kiss him the whole night pretty much, and i'm sure i sounded desperate when i said, '...last...kiss?'.
i don't know. i still don't think he wants to be with me, now, or ever.
in the end, i just hugged him and that was all. it was dissapointing, but i tried not to think about it.
i called him later after the game, and basically he said he was frustrated and confused about everything. i said he should clear his mind, stop thinking about us, and then later he could concentrate on it. it's better to think with a refreshed mind.
that phone conversation was really sad, and i felt really bad after that as well. i think all i'm doing is making him confused and hurting him, and i'd rather have me sulk for a long while and have him be happy than the alternative.
a;slkfj;akldf;jaslha;erj bh;ou;vbhoaehr. dramadramadrama.
i know it's long. i'm sorry for your inconvenience.
if you really want my schedule, i'll just comment it to you.
this is what happened.
with topping, sam, kate beason, chris stergalas, and his boyfriend chase. we had a barbeque in the wyandotte park. i brought along meesh and adan, because meesh hadn't met him yet (i'm trying to set them up. it isn't working). the barbeque was okay. i watched chris chuck a hot dog and make the barbeque suddenly burst into a giant fireball. i ate a veggie-dog, and it was good. after everyone left, adan, meesh, &i just moseyed around wyandotte until mother promptly picked us all up.
then
&i felt really arrogant. like, 'i'm better than all of those fucking freshmen. haha, i r0xz0rzzz'. sort of. my schedule's okay, although i don't know how i'm going to handle biology first thing in the morning. there's at least one person i know in every class, so that's handy. dave is in two of my classes, which is neat because we haven't had anything together since music in eigth grade. good times. i also have the same lunch as him, meesh, steph, bennett (indifference), &other random people i guess. it's quite crowded. there's about 50 girls in my gym class (last hour, thankfully). i swear, all the girls are stick thing, with streaky hair, and they talk the same. it's more creepy than it is annoying i think. there's this new girl named ashley mitchell, and i think she's really interesting looking, though i'm probably never going to talk to her. oh, and jessica french is back. she went to my school in eigth grade for a few months while people like jared and the like drooled over her. her hipbones are like, a foot away from her body. arrrr, jealousy. whatever, we probably won't talk either.
&later that day
i constantly used to bug michelle by saying things in some form of, "mike doesn't like me and is going to break up with me" for awhile. well sure enough, i called him because he said he had something serious to talk to me about the day before. i knew it was coming. what other serious thing is there to say? i doubt mike could get pregnant. anyway, he said that he still loved me but it just wasn't the right time. how my mother has things set up now...there's just not really a chance. i told him i understood, because i did. and i said maybe in a few years, when i have more freedom (and a car) we could try this again.
but then he said he liked someone else...
and that completely crushed me. in my opinion, it's physically and mentally impossible. which led me to the conclusion that he didn't really love me and just...i got off the phone with him and started to cry. and i wrote some shitty song too, it was pretty pathetic. but a good cry like that made me feel a little better at least. my mind just likes to twist things around like that i guess.
i don't know.
other interesting things.
her name is lauren smith and i used to go to her house for this youth group thing. she's in my gym class, and was one of the only people i knew in there. so, we started talking. i remembered her as the really nice almost to the point of being annoying christian girl. well, let's see. she says she's bi, smokes, drinks, used to OD, used to SI, and has dabbled in both anorexia and bulimia.
shockshockshock.
she's still nice at least. she became less annoying. but today, she asked me if i was bi. i don't know...that doesn't really mean anything but i guess i took it that she wanted to know if i was so she could possibly date me in the future. now, i see that i was just being too critical. i think. ah well. girls will be boys.
according to me, for it's what i wrote on his arm today along with other various things. he's actually really nice now that i talk to him more, and i wish i could hang out with him. i sit behind him in algebra, and we're against the wall so we're almost secluded. he likes to touch my arms and face a lot. i don't know. i pet him and give him goosebumps, and lots of people think i'm dating him i'm sure. i don't know, i'm just like that i guess. i don't mean to flirt (if you can call that flirting). he's just fun i guess.
i was feeling adventurous yesterday, and instead of getting a trim, i got about four inches off. some people can tell, some people can't. i'm glad i didn't go any shorter. at first i didn't like it, but i guess it's ok now. i feel really...cute. and girly. and of course, when i say this i do a pouty face which doesn't make the problem any better.
&for why i'm in a sad/stressed/confused/frustraded mood.
i talked to mike and invited him to the game the day before, but he wasn't sure if he could go. i talked to adan, and he said he might be able to go, so that made me feel a little better at least. in the end, adan couldn't come, and mike ended up coming about half an hour into the game. i saw anthony there, and rachel too with her ghetto friend and kerri. when mike came over, i expected him to just run up and hug me, but it was more of a general hello. it was awkward almost, like either he felt weird touching me or i felt weird touching him. in the end, i just gave up and decided i couldn't hug him back. i liked him too much, and i didn't want him to know. i was afraid he just wanted to use me or something. he was kneeling on the ground and i was sort of twirling my finger around in circles on his shoulder, and he went to get up and i swore i thought he pushed me away, and i felt really bad. i kind of felt like he was ignoring me too, but then again that's probably just because i'm too critical/selfish/etc. i felt bad that he treated meesh the same he would me. i didn't want to be just another friend that he hugs. actually, i just wanted to go sit with him somewhere but it'd be rude to leave everybody behind. i became really sad though, just torturing myself with ugly thoughts until i convinced myself that he hated me. later we sat down away from people and talked. i told him i was afraid to hug him back because i liked him so much...and i didn't want to just fall without anyone to catch me, if you will. he said that he really did love me, but then the whole liking someone else kept coming up and it just made me feel kind of shitty. i guess he doesn't like her or whatever now, and just loves me. it's silly, to be blunt. 'i love you, and will go to homecoming with you, but for now i shall date other people'. maybe that's being too harsh, i don't know. i just feel bad and i really like him. i'm afraid he won't feel the same in two years, or i won't, or just something will happen. i don't know. gnh.
it scared me, because he asked me if i wanted one last kiss a little before he left. i wanted to kiss him the whole night pretty much, and i'm sure i sounded desperate when i said, '...last...kiss?'.
i don't know. i still don't think he wants to be with me, now, or ever.
in the end, i just hugged him and that was all. it was dissapointing, but i tried not to think about it.
i called him later after the game, and basically he said he was frustrated and confused about everything. i said he should clear his mind, stop thinking about us, and then later he could concentrate on it. it's better to think with a refreshed mind.
that phone conversation was really sad, and i felt really bad after that as well. i think all i'm doing is making him confused and hurting him, and i'd rather have me sulk for a long while and have him be happy than the alternative.
a;slkfj;akldf;jaslha;erj bh;ou;vbhoaehr. dramadramadrama.
i know it's long. i'm sorry for your inconvenience.