Tired
Am I trying? I feel weary and tired.
I feel like I've been trying but as I recount, it doesn't seem like I have been. So does that mean I've deluded myself into believing I have been trying?
Trying to what?
Sometimes I don't even know. What am I trying to accomplish? What is my life?
I've been drifting. I've been living a shadow of my life it seems. How do others make it seem so easy? How do people make it seem so easy to love people? To be open and not to pretend?
I look at my life as of late and think that I've been deluding myself into believing I am content. How can I be content when I seem to be doing nothing and going nowhere?
Life is about relationships. But my relationships seem fragile at best.
Everyone leaves. So why not prepare yourself? Why not create that distance? So it doesn't hurt so much when they do leave or decide everything you had between each other doesn't exist anymore? The common threads that tied you together are frayed at best and I should either find new ones to tie you to them or let it go.
Let it go. That's what my head says. The dull ache is better than a gaping wound. The void is better than the continuous wound that is reopened with every encounter.
But the heart wants what it wants.
How do you cut yourself off from all human contact? The contact that sustains you in some of the darkest moments, yet is also inevitably the cause.
And so is the push and pull of human emotion.
Somedays I think I've got it right. Somedays I think I could do without anyone. Nevertheless the day comes when someone you have some sort of relationship makes you laugh or makes you smile and then you begin to doubt. Then you think, 'Maybe. Perhaps it could work?'
How simplistic. How naive.
Can you really count on anyone to truly love you? Everyone's selfish. Everyone's got their own agenda. They have their own lives and their own journey. How can you expect them to be your everything? Your all?
And that's where human relationships fail.
I know that's where I fail. I know that's why people tire of me. I know that's why I tire of myself.
If it was just that simple - to just care about what other people need without thought to yourself. My life would be so much simpler. I wouldn't be so frustrated or angry all the time.
I wish I didn't care about myself at all. I wish I didn't think about myself and my needs. It would make things so much simpler.
I know a lot of people who are like that. There are people who are unselfish. There are people who give of themselves without so much as a tinge of resentment.
Oh that I could be...
I have had conversations about how we need to accept who we are, our certain foibles and quirks. But what about the other things? How do you not blame people for things? Cast judgement? In my head I'm telling myself I'm not, but when I'm honest with myself I am. I have to be. If I'm not I wouldn't get so angry or frustrated with people.
I blame them for their inability to be independent. I blame people for not being as competent. But when I'm honest about it, I know that those aren't weaknesses. People aren't like me. And I shouldn't expect them to be. But why? Why, oh why can't I get that through my head?
Why does it conveniently slip my mind when I'm correcting someone? Or when I'm asked to compensate for their weakness - when I'm asked to help?
I don't think I'm made for co-dependent relationships, which really describe most of my relationships. So I draw the conclusion that I wasn't made to be in relationship.
Oh there is the odd moment of gratuitous generosity. But those are few and far between.
No wonder I'm single. No wonder I think the only relationship I was ever made for is the one I have between me and my Maker. He knows the deepest part of me. He knows the instantaneous sorrow and regret I have when I freak out on someone for no reason. He knows that I don't want that. He knows that I don't want to be THAT.
Others have to believe that when I tell them. They can't *know* it for sure.
He's the only one I can cry to. He's the only one I can tell my every secret to because he already knows them. And when I rebel - when I tell him to screw off - he knows that deep down I don't mean it. He knows I'm just tired of feeling like no matter what I do, it doesn't change.
So what am I left with?
I feel unworthy. I feel like I don't deserve relationships. I feel like I can't cope with them. They start out just fine, but when push comes to shove, I always screw them up in one way or another - whether it's by who I am or something I say or do.
In the end, they will always find some reason to leave.
I feel like I've been trying but as I recount, it doesn't seem like I have been. So does that mean I've deluded myself into believing I have been trying?
Trying to what?
Sometimes I don't even know. What am I trying to accomplish? What is my life?
I've been drifting. I've been living a shadow of my life it seems. How do others make it seem so easy? How do people make it seem so easy to love people? To be open and not to pretend?
I look at my life as of late and think that I've been deluding myself into believing I am content. How can I be content when I seem to be doing nothing and going nowhere?
Life is about relationships. But my relationships seem fragile at best.
Everyone leaves. So why not prepare yourself? Why not create that distance? So it doesn't hurt so much when they do leave or decide everything you had between each other doesn't exist anymore? The common threads that tied you together are frayed at best and I should either find new ones to tie you to them or let it go.
Let it go. That's what my head says. The dull ache is better than a gaping wound. The void is better than the continuous wound that is reopened with every encounter.
But the heart wants what it wants.
How do you cut yourself off from all human contact? The contact that sustains you in some of the darkest moments, yet is also inevitably the cause.
And so is the push and pull of human emotion.
Somedays I think I've got it right. Somedays I think I could do without anyone. Nevertheless the day comes when someone you have some sort of relationship makes you laugh or makes you smile and then you begin to doubt. Then you think, 'Maybe. Perhaps it could work?'
How simplistic. How naive.
Can you really count on anyone to truly love you? Everyone's selfish. Everyone's got their own agenda. They have their own lives and their own journey. How can you expect them to be your everything? Your all?
And that's where human relationships fail.
I know that's where I fail. I know that's why people tire of me. I know that's why I tire of myself.
If it was just that simple - to just care about what other people need without thought to yourself. My life would be so much simpler. I wouldn't be so frustrated or angry all the time.
I wish I didn't care about myself at all. I wish I didn't think about myself and my needs. It would make things so much simpler.
I know a lot of people who are like that. There are people who are unselfish. There are people who give of themselves without so much as a tinge of resentment.
Oh that I could be...
I have had conversations about how we need to accept who we are, our certain foibles and quirks. But what about the other things? How do you not blame people for things? Cast judgement? In my head I'm telling myself I'm not, but when I'm honest with myself I am. I have to be. If I'm not I wouldn't get so angry or frustrated with people.
I blame them for their inability to be independent. I blame people for not being as competent. But when I'm honest about it, I know that those aren't weaknesses. People aren't like me. And I shouldn't expect them to be. But why? Why, oh why can't I get that through my head?
Why does it conveniently slip my mind when I'm correcting someone? Or when I'm asked to compensate for their weakness - when I'm asked to help?
I don't think I'm made for co-dependent relationships, which really describe most of my relationships. So I draw the conclusion that I wasn't made to be in relationship.
Oh there is the odd moment of gratuitous generosity. But those are few and far between.
No wonder I'm single. No wonder I think the only relationship I was ever made for is the one I have between me and my Maker. He knows the deepest part of me. He knows the instantaneous sorrow and regret I have when I freak out on someone for no reason. He knows that I don't want that. He knows that I don't want to be THAT.
Others have to believe that when I tell them. They can't *know* it for sure.
He's the only one I can cry to. He's the only one I can tell my every secret to because he already knows them. And when I rebel - when I tell him to screw off - he knows that deep down I don't mean it. He knows I'm just tired of feeling like no matter what I do, it doesn't change.
So what am I left with?
I feel unworthy. I feel like I don't deserve relationships. I feel like I can't cope with them. They start out just fine, but when push comes to shove, I always screw them up in one way or another - whether it's by who I am or something I say or do.
In the end, they will always find some reason to leave.