(no subject)
so i did a lot of thinking last night about a lot of stuff. i think it is the most i have cryed since me and jay first broke up. i was just thinking about everything that i have been through this year and all the shit that has been going on in my life and how i want to take it in a new direction this year. but that would mean leaving a lot of shit in the past and i am not sure i can do this. at one minute i am ok with my life and the next its all fucked up again. i really think i needed to get it all out last night. i was just thinking about jason a lot last night and even though i am over him its just so hard still to be alone and it is really hitting me especially becasue of the holidays that things are really over. i was just thinking about everything we went through in the 3 1/2 years we were together. and that we have only been broken up for like 3 months and already i have done so much. i didnt even really give myself anytime to heal and thats why eveything is so fucked up. i know i will love him forever not exactly "inlove" with him forver but i will always love him. and there is just so much i wanna say to him still but i guess things are better left unsaid. i really am enjoying being single but at the same time i want to be with someone so much. i wanna feel that sense of security again. there is just a lot of messed up shit happeneing in my life and just when i think i am gonna be ok something else bad happens again. i am just ready for something good to finally happen. i am sick of these meaningless guys who only want one thing. i want a guy to take me out on an actual date and have it be romantic for once not just "hey wanna go to my place and hook up". shit are all guys the same becasue everyone i meet lately just seems to be the same. and that makes me relize how much i miss jason becasue he was the only guy who ever treated right. am i gonna find that again???