(no subject)
It wasn't my fault....
I was just looking for a birthday present for you, and i had a really great idea....
a real fuckin jem.
But it made me think of gift you got her once....jess.
and....then I was on her journal and I was reading what she said about you, and all of that was ok
because I feel all those things about you
except...I'm still here, and there is no other boy.
But then I read a conversation, and I remembered reading it when she first wrote it, I remembered the same feeling then I have now
that rage, and pain, that empty hollow feeling that you would ever say those words to someone else. and now...
I am defeated, I have defeated myself. I'm so alone here in this house, day after day hour after hour.
My friends are dropping like flies, and this baby is eating my insides apart I know it.
and why didn't you know? Why did you flaunt her in front of me, why did you push me aside so much to make out
and ignore
and isolate
.....and why didn't you know your best friend was scaring me, and hurting me
and why didn't you help me.
If there was always a spark or a thought...why weren't you waiting for me.
You spoke to her until you moved, where ever going to hang out with her again I had to beg you not to
panic
there was only panic.
panic
panic
panic
panic
fuck.
And then logically I'm led to your journal. where so many were words were about her.
about how softly she speaks
and how much she thinks
and you condradict yourself now.
and I know it's lie.
why did you choose her over me until you had no choice but to move.
I'm a fall back plan
I'm a second thought
is my marriage based on timing?
i'm broken.
& I was broken
and I needed you
& you were never there, you were always too busy trying to get laid....
I was just looking for a birthday present for you, and i had a really great idea....
a real fuckin jem.
But it made me think of gift you got her once....jess.
and....then I was on her journal and I was reading what she said about you, and all of that was ok
because I feel all those things about you
except...I'm still here, and there is no other boy.
But then I read a conversation, and I remembered reading it when she first wrote it, I remembered the same feeling then I have now
that rage, and pain, that empty hollow feeling that you would ever say those words to someone else. and now...
I am defeated, I have defeated myself. I'm so alone here in this house, day after day hour after hour.
My friends are dropping like flies, and this baby is eating my insides apart I know it.
and why didn't you know? Why did you flaunt her in front of me, why did you push me aside so much to make out
and ignore
and isolate
.....and why didn't you know your best friend was scaring me, and hurting me
and why didn't you help me.
If there was always a spark or a thought...why weren't you waiting for me.
You spoke to her until you moved, where ever going to hang out with her again I had to beg you not to
panic
there was only panic.
panic
panic
panic
panic
fuck.
And then logically I'm led to your journal. where so many were words were about her.
about how softly she speaks
and how much she thinks
and you condradict yourself now.
and I know it's lie.
why did you choose her over me until you had no choice but to move.
I'm a fall back plan
I'm a second thought
is my marriage based on timing?
i'm broken.
& I was broken
and I needed you
& you were never there, you were always too busy trying to get laid....