Stubborn Love
I've found since devoting myself to writing about the Packers and since becoming involved in a major relationship and working a real grown up job, my personal writing has fallen by the way side.
I try to write here. And then months/years pass.
I tried to write a blog about planning our wedding; pretty sure my last post was about choosing my wedding party.
I even let my soccer/USC writing fall away as I became deeper involved in writing for something else, and focusing on actually living my life.
When I was single, I had adventures to write about. Driving across country, taking days off of work to go boating. Happy hours and long nights that turned into morning. There was a lot to tell. Plus they were fun stories to tell.
Tomorrow marks five years since SB and I started dating. And that's pretty much the time at which my writing productivity took a nose dive. Mostly because I don't like blogs that are solely about being in a relationship. And because life got more "regular" and I got older. And I got twitter brain. If I can't say it briefly and put in only a minute of effort, really what's the point?
But more than that I found it extremely difficult to be honest about my life and relationship. For as much as I share online and with people, in general I don't like to air dirty laundry online. I also don't like to only post the good stuff. The over the top lovey dovey, aren't you just so jealous of me stuff. And if you don't air the dirty stuff, all you have left is fluff.
Which brings me to today. Life is not fluff.
I'm a lucky lady. I have good friends. Great friends. My wedding showed me that. The joy and warmth of knowing people care for you. That's one of the best bonuses to going through this whole wedding process.
I have a house, a job, a family, a hobby which I'm relatively good at, respect, pets, and I've lost weight. Things aren't awful.
I also have a husband. Who is my best friend. And who has shown me more in the last five days how much he is committed to me and how much he loves me than anyone ever has.
But at the same time, if I said everything right now smelled like roses, I'd be lying. At times they've been down right crappy. I've stayed up nights, crying on the bedroom floor, completely confused why life has to be so hard. And why people can be so fucked up.
But in the end it's all a growing process. It's hard to separate yourself from someone else's growing process. And I think those are the times when I get the most hurt. And I definitely have a hard time letting go of those let downs.
The pressure right now, to smile and say that life is 100% rosy, is also getting to me. The wedding, the holiday, the birthdays, it's such a fucking joyous time - or supposed to be, and mostly I'd like to sit in bed.
People ask you, has anything changed since getting married. I answer "yes, He's nicer." Which isn't a lie. But it isn't the whole truth. SB grew the day of the wedding. And I can see the change. No one ever told me about this. I changed slowly, as the wedding got closer, as our years together came and went, as we moved in together and bought our house, and we got new pets. Nearly every day, I was growing - or trying to - into someone who's fully committed their life to someone else.
It didn't happen this way for SB. And for the sake of his own privacy, I'm saving the details of it for myself. No one prepared me for the fact that it could be different. And it hurt. It hurt that I felt "in front", "ahead". Did he not love me as much as I loved him? Is he still behind me in the process?
And things would go wrong. And I'd take them as signs. And things would go right, and they would never mean as much to me as the things that went wrong. So I'm scared.
Part of my fear is completely justified. Shit happened. And its freaking terrifying to give 100% of yourself to someone else, forever. Fear. That's how you know it's real.
But part of my fear is completely self indulgent and self involved. From past relationships, familial, friendships, loves. Part of my fear is completely in my head from my fear of letting go.
So I'm sitting here. Despite all the goodness around me, feeling rather empty. Devoid of the ability to find happiness in things. Which sounds completely bleak and sad. I'm not at the bottom of a pit, I just need to fill this hole. Years ago, younger, more dramatic (which, if you're reading this, you're probably wondering how can someone who says they're devoid of joy be any more dramatic), I wouldn't be out actively trying to fill that void.
And that's the change in me. The change in SB. The change in my life. The change in my friendships and work relationships. The change in responsibilities and the change in growing up.
And that's the real difference between our relationship pre and post wedding. Moving forward together. Moving. Forward.
I try to write here. And then months/years pass.
I tried to write a blog about planning our wedding; pretty sure my last post was about choosing my wedding party.
I even let my soccer/USC writing fall away as I became deeper involved in writing for something else, and focusing on actually living my life.
When I was single, I had adventures to write about. Driving across country, taking days off of work to go boating. Happy hours and long nights that turned into morning. There was a lot to tell. Plus they were fun stories to tell.
Tomorrow marks five years since SB and I started dating. And that's pretty much the time at which my writing productivity took a nose dive. Mostly because I don't like blogs that are solely about being in a relationship. And because life got more "regular" and I got older. And I got twitter brain. If I can't say it briefly and put in only a minute of effort, really what's the point?
But more than that I found it extremely difficult to be honest about my life and relationship. For as much as I share online and with people, in general I don't like to air dirty laundry online. I also don't like to only post the good stuff. The over the top lovey dovey, aren't you just so jealous of me stuff. And if you don't air the dirty stuff, all you have left is fluff.
Which brings me to today. Life is not fluff.
I'm a lucky lady. I have good friends. Great friends. My wedding showed me that. The joy and warmth of knowing people care for you. That's one of the best bonuses to going through this whole wedding process.
I have a house, a job, a family, a hobby which I'm relatively good at, respect, pets, and I've lost weight. Things aren't awful.
I also have a husband. Who is my best friend. And who has shown me more in the last five days how much he is committed to me and how much he loves me than anyone ever has.
But at the same time, if I said everything right now smelled like roses, I'd be lying. At times they've been down right crappy. I've stayed up nights, crying on the bedroom floor, completely confused why life has to be so hard. And why people can be so fucked up.
But in the end it's all a growing process. It's hard to separate yourself from someone else's growing process. And I think those are the times when I get the most hurt. And I definitely have a hard time letting go of those let downs.
The pressure right now, to smile and say that life is 100% rosy, is also getting to me. The wedding, the holiday, the birthdays, it's such a fucking joyous time - or supposed to be, and mostly I'd like to sit in bed.
People ask you, has anything changed since getting married. I answer "yes, He's nicer." Which isn't a lie. But it isn't the whole truth. SB grew the day of the wedding. And I can see the change. No one ever told me about this. I changed slowly, as the wedding got closer, as our years together came and went, as we moved in together and bought our house, and we got new pets. Nearly every day, I was growing - or trying to - into someone who's fully committed their life to someone else.
It didn't happen this way for SB. And for the sake of his own privacy, I'm saving the details of it for myself. No one prepared me for the fact that it could be different. And it hurt. It hurt that I felt "in front", "ahead". Did he not love me as much as I loved him? Is he still behind me in the process?
And things would go wrong. And I'd take them as signs. And things would go right, and they would never mean as much to me as the things that went wrong. So I'm scared.
Part of my fear is completely justified. Shit happened. And its freaking terrifying to give 100% of yourself to someone else, forever. Fear. That's how you know it's real.
But part of my fear is completely self indulgent and self involved. From past relationships, familial, friendships, loves. Part of my fear is completely in my head from my fear of letting go.
So I'm sitting here. Despite all the goodness around me, feeling rather empty. Devoid of the ability to find happiness in things. Which sounds completely bleak and sad. I'm not at the bottom of a pit, I just need to fill this hole. Years ago, younger, more dramatic (which, if you're reading this, you're probably wondering how can someone who says they're devoid of joy be any more dramatic), I wouldn't be out actively trying to fill that void.
And that's the change in me. The change in SB. The change in my life. The change in my friendships and work relationships. The change in responsibilities and the change in growing up.
And that's the real difference between our relationship pre and post wedding. Moving forward together. Moving. Forward.