Deaf or not be deaf?
I came across to an issue about being deaf and I cried real hard today about this. Someone I know whom I have been talk to using webcams and I have been using the microphone of mine to talk or laugh. I asked the person to get the mic either fixed or buy one. Well I bugged and asked and begged - you name it, then I finally gave up and let it go. Why should I want someone to get a mic so bad when they won't use it much and why should I need to hear anything? I am deaf. I shoudl live to be deaf. Anyways. I found out that the person got a new mic and I asked when did you get it? Person said "about a week ago" and I went oh. Inside my head, I was thinking, " Why didn't you tell me that? I don't matter? Oh I'm deaf and I am not worthy to be known, seen, or heard in hearing world? I might be deaf but I am a hearing person in my head.
I do not know what to do.. I don't know who's fault at this. Is it his fault to leave me out? Is it my fault that I'm deaf? Do I blame him for this? I don't want him to think that he sucks or is stupid. Because he is not. I just don't know how to handle this. Is the other people more important than me? I really wonder why he finally got a webcam - perhaps because someone else wanted to webcam with him and he doesn't tell me about that and then said "Oh, I got a webcam" probably a week later or something.
Right now I feel like I don't deserve to be honored, respected to, or be spoiled. I am not a worthy human being. No one talks to me. I just make you all pissed off and sad and make you all feel low. I put myself down alot just like today going "Well geee look at you. pity stupid deaf girl. You don't deserve to know anything. you are not worthy. Be gone. be unknown. You are NOT to be seen, heard, or spoken to!"
I want to tell him how I feel and stuff but all he will think about is how he sucks and is no good then he will push me away and we both end up getting hurt and be hurting. If I said in a good way like "aww don t you realized how much i ve missed hearing your voice and laughter why didn't you tell me you got it last week?" He will still feel like he sucks and is no good. One way or the other. I am SO lost and confused. I am fed up with myself. I can't let go of things. I should punish myself and ground myself from computer and everything and not reward myself to anything good at all. I don't deserve it! *sniffing*
*dies*
I do not know what to do.. I don't know who's fault at this. Is it his fault to leave me out? Is it my fault that I'm deaf? Do I blame him for this? I don't want him to think that he sucks or is stupid. Because he is not. I just don't know how to handle this. Is the other people more important than me? I really wonder why he finally got a webcam - perhaps because someone else wanted to webcam with him and he doesn't tell me about that and then said "Oh, I got a webcam" probably a week later or something.
Right now I feel like I don't deserve to be honored, respected to, or be spoiled. I am not a worthy human being. No one talks to me. I just make you all pissed off and sad and make you all feel low. I put myself down alot just like today going "Well geee look at you. pity stupid deaf girl. You don't deserve to know anything. you are not worthy. Be gone. be unknown. You are NOT to be seen, heard, or spoken to!"
I want to tell him how I feel and stuff but all he will think about is how he sucks and is no good then he will push me away and we both end up getting hurt and be hurting. If I said in a good way like "aww don t you realized how much i ve missed hearing your voice and laughter why didn't you tell me you got it last week?" He will still feel like he sucks and is no good. One way or the other. I am SO lost and confused. I am fed up with myself. I can't let go of things. I should punish myself and ground myself from computer and everything and not reward myself to anything good at all. I don't deserve it! *sniffing*
*dies*