Guest Blog- Infertility
Today I have a guest writer here from Texas to shed some light what she has learned through her experience with infertility. It's a tough topic to talk about and so I really appreciate Samantha's bravery and honesty:
Five Things I Know About Infertility
Isolation is the absolute worst. In culinary school, we would often joke that the last pot to boil would be the one you were needing the most. That is the closest colloquialism that I can compare having your journey with infertility made known. While strangers will question how many children you have or do not yet have with startling ease, those we know are observing, waiting, cheering on, and even holding out on offering tips or advice or support because they just do not know what to say. WE do not know what to say most of the time, either. Support doesn’t have to be in the form of spoken words though. Send unexpected messages of support, take the family dinner, invite them over for a cookout or the baby shower while letting them know that you are leaving it up to their discretion if they would like to attend. Ask relevant questions, how they would like to be supported, and follow through with communication and support for the duration of the journey.
We are not fragile. Baby and child centric events can be particularly difficult to withstand, but it’s better than realizing later on that you weren't invited as if you were a leper. We realize this is difficult for our friends to navigate, and our feelings may change from one moment to the next. We would change it if we were able. Depression is a very real threat for those experiencing infertility, and depending upon the personality of the family, one way to exacerbate the condition is to handle us with silk gloves.
It isn’t uncommon. One in eight couples struggle to achieve or sustain a pregnancy, according to a recent CDC survey. There’s even a wicked term for not being able to conceive after you’ve birthed one or more children, called “Secondary Infertility.” For more insight into faces and stories you may recognize, or to contribute your own, I invite you to check out a colleague’s project, http://www.thisisinfertility.com. You will hear from those struggling in order to to better understand, grow your perspective, or find your tribe.
We are also allowed to experience every emotion available. Angry, cheerful, devastated, hopeful, hopeless, frustrated, inadequate, jealous, numb, or cautious. Eventually, even mourning is a valid option because you realize you may never have the dreams you’ve held onto so long, or you’ve experienced the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, a hope. You’ve seen the movies and wished you were the one exiting an awkward moment because of morning sickness, getting annoyed with a baby’s hiccups because you’re ready to sleep, that your most pressing decision at 37 weeks is which family member will have their name carried on with your offspring. Once you do start talking about your journey with infertility, people may ask for details that leave you feeling like this is an impersonal or factual journey. Be open, honest, raw, real…people need to hear it so they know how to better navigate the subject.
Simple solutions and euphemisms make us bite out tongue or walk away from communication. We have already looked for those simple solutions. Diet, exercise, acupuncture, chiropractic care, different sexual positions, charting our cycle… we end up with the solution to isolation. We have searched for answers so diligently and persistently that we often speak in acronyms like TTC, EWCM, OPK, CD(insert number here), LP… the list goes on.
We aren’t waiting on storks here. We just want to be heard and understood, even if we are still sitting in silence. #thisisinfertility
____
Samantha Ferguson is the owner of Victoria Doulas and a doula with training in bereavement, birth, and the postpartum period. She is a childbirth educator with a sense of humor and deep desire to change the status quo lack of support felt in her own journey through motherhood, secondary infertility, and pregnancy loss. She is also a happily married and homeschooling mom of three, with a blue heeler that is an awful running partner. http://www.victoriadoulas.com
Five Things I Know About Infertility
Isolation is the absolute worst. In culinary school, we would often joke that the last pot to boil would be the one you were needing the most. That is the closest colloquialism that I can compare having your journey with infertility made known. While strangers will question how many children you have or do not yet have with startling ease, those we know are observing, waiting, cheering on, and even holding out on offering tips or advice or support because they just do not know what to say. WE do not know what to say most of the time, either. Support doesn’t have to be in the form of spoken words though. Send unexpected messages of support, take the family dinner, invite them over for a cookout or the baby shower while letting them know that you are leaving it up to their discretion if they would like to attend. Ask relevant questions, how they would like to be supported, and follow through with communication and support for the duration of the journey.
We are not fragile. Baby and child centric events can be particularly difficult to withstand, but it’s better than realizing later on that you weren't invited as if you were a leper. We realize this is difficult for our friends to navigate, and our feelings may change from one moment to the next. We would change it if we were able. Depression is a very real threat for those experiencing infertility, and depending upon the personality of the family, one way to exacerbate the condition is to handle us with silk gloves.
It isn’t uncommon. One in eight couples struggle to achieve or sustain a pregnancy, according to a recent CDC survey. There’s even a wicked term for not being able to conceive after you’ve birthed one or more children, called “Secondary Infertility.” For more insight into faces and stories you may recognize, or to contribute your own, I invite you to check out a colleague’s project, http://www.thisisinfertility.com. You will hear from those struggling in order to to better understand, grow your perspective, or find your tribe.
We are also allowed to experience every emotion available. Angry, cheerful, devastated, hopeful, hopeless, frustrated, inadequate, jealous, numb, or cautious. Eventually, even mourning is a valid option because you realize you may never have the dreams you’ve held onto so long, or you’ve experienced the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, a hope. You’ve seen the movies and wished you were the one exiting an awkward moment because of morning sickness, getting annoyed with a baby’s hiccups because you’re ready to sleep, that your most pressing decision at 37 weeks is which family member will have their name carried on with your offspring. Once you do start talking about your journey with infertility, people may ask for details that leave you feeling like this is an impersonal or factual journey. Be open, honest, raw, real…people need to hear it so they know how to better navigate the subject.
Simple solutions and euphemisms make us bite out tongue or walk away from communication. We have already looked for those simple solutions. Diet, exercise, acupuncture, chiropractic care, different sexual positions, charting our cycle… we end up with the solution to isolation. We have searched for answers so diligently and persistently that we often speak in acronyms like TTC, EWCM, OPK, CD(insert number here), LP… the list goes on.
We aren’t waiting on storks here. We just want to be heard and understood, even if we are still sitting in silence. #thisisinfertility
____
Samantha Ferguson is the owner of Victoria Doulas and a doula with training in bereavement, birth, and the postpartum period. She is a childbirth educator with a sense of humor and deep desire to change the status quo lack of support felt in her own journey through motherhood, secondary infertility, and pregnancy loss. She is also a happily married and homeschooling mom of three, with a blue heeler that is an awful running partner. http://www.victoriadoulas.com