stuck
haven't written in a while.
haven't really felt like it.
i don't know what to do anymore. i am stuck. i've been in a relatively good mood lately, but still. i feel like i need to start making some decisions that i really don't want to have to.
i don't know why things in the past bother me so much. i guess when things happen repeatedly thats just a reflex. i don't know why he doesn't understand that i'm trying to protect myself. and i think i have good reason to. i get that he doesn't want to relive his mistakes over and over again but come on. he's not the one that had to wait all summer. all the fucking times i would pace the length of the apartment waiting for a call, how i had to rearrange plans with friends so we wouldn't meet, how i had to piece together where he was and how he was doing from other people, while he just got to run around not giving a shit.
he says it hurt him too. he says, "atleast i didn't fool around with other people."
fuck that.
atleast you weren't crying yourself to sleep night after night. atleast you weren't trying to methodically plan out your days so you wouldn't have enough time to yourself to think.
and still, throughout it all, who was the one cleaning up your messes?
who handled tony?
who had to go to work and deal with the first person you called to hang out after you left?
who was the one helping you get back in school?
who talked you out of the army?
who helped you sort out family shit?
i know it wasn't her. i know she never did any of that.
you know it too.
so why am i second string?
i'm tired of fighting.
i'm tired of keeping my mouth shut so you don't get upset.
i'm tired of this whole thing.
what if i want out?
will you wait for me?
or will you run back to her and wait for me to steal you away?
because i won't.
i've found some odd comfort in flying solo.
thank you for teaching me that.
but i'm sorry, i have to leave.
you know what the worst part is?
i probably missed out on some really good opportunities because of you. i know that it was my own choice, but still. so i guess now i should try and remedy that. friendships mean more than you. you were never always there. and others were, even when i never asked them to be.
so
i'm sorry
but maybe it's time for you to feel this.
haven't really felt like it.
i don't know what to do anymore. i am stuck. i've been in a relatively good mood lately, but still. i feel like i need to start making some decisions that i really don't want to have to.
i don't know why things in the past bother me so much. i guess when things happen repeatedly thats just a reflex. i don't know why he doesn't understand that i'm trying to protect myself. and i think i have good reason to. i get that he doesn't want to relive his mistakes over and over again but come on. he's not the one that had to wait all summer. all the fucking times i would pace the length of the apartment waiting for a call, how i had to rearrange plans with friends so we wouldn't meet, how i had to piece together where he was and how he was doing from other people, while he just got to run around not giving a shit.
he says it hurt him too. he says, "atleast i didn't fool around with other people."
fuck that.
atleast you weren't crying yourself to sleep night after night. atleast you weren't trying to methodically plan out your days so you wouldn't have enough time to yourself to think.
and still, throughout it all, who was the one cleaning up your messes?
who handled tony?
who had to go to work and deal with the first person you called to hang out after you left?
who was the one helping you get back in school?
who talked you out of the army?
who helped you sort out family shit?
i know it wasn't her. i know she never did any of that.
you know it too.
so why am i second string?
i'm tired of fighting.
i'm tired of keeping my mouth shut so you don't get upset.
i'm tired of this whole thing.
what if i want out?
will you wait for me?
or will you run back to her and wait for me to steal you away?
because i won't.
i've found some odd comfort in flying solo.
thank you for teaching me that.
but i'm sorry, i have to leave.
you know what the worst part is?
i probably missed out on some really good opportunities because of you. i know that it was my own choice, but still. so i guess now i should try and remedy that. friendships mean more than you. you were never always there. and others were, even when i never asked them to be.
so
i'm sorry
but maybe it's time for you to feel this.