(no subject)
So it is over. And I am okay. At least, I will be.
Later in the evening I tried to keep packing but couldn't, I just ended up crying my eyes out like I needed to. Then I decided I wanted to talk to Mom. Just as I was leaving Heather was coming in and she just held me while I cried on her shoulder for a while, and then I came down to the computer lab and cried to Mom over Skype. The lack of understanding, of comprehension why this was going on, was killing me. Then while I was talking to Mom, Chad came online and started talking to me on MSN. I got off Skype so I could focus.
Essentially, there is someone in his life who feels they would not be able to be friends with Chad anymore were he to date me this summer. Chad understands this. He is working afternoons, 6 days a week, and knows that it is difficult to balance friends and a girlfriend in the first place, and because he feels the girlfriend would take priority and some people wouldn't want to be around him if he was dating someone, he knows he is not able to carry out this balancing act. Therefore, he feels we cannot date this summer. As for the not seeing each other part, he feels that it's best I stay away from him, lest he do something stupid. Of course, I wouldn't let him; any attempts would be met with severe bodily harm, but I guess I have to be okay with that.
He said he tried to miss me and didn't. It felt awkward to talk to me. I was hurt and offended he didn't say so earlier and let this come completely out of the blue. He only e-mailed it to me because he read in my LiveJournal that I was upset about not hearing from him. Thinking of losing this person's friendship makes him a lot more torn up inside than thinking about 'us' not happening. I know it wouldn't be worth it if we both weren't happy - I know continuing to be limited in seeing him wouldn't make me too thrilled. I don't like that he didn't miss me. I feel it cheapens two and a half years of friendship. I wonder who this other person is and what makes them so much more special than me. We really aren't going to see each other anymore; we plan on meeting somewhere neutral after I get home so we can give some stuff back, but after that, we're not going to push it. Okay. I'm sad but I can see his point of view.
Now, is just letting myself be sad and upset and moving on. I can do a heck of a lot better for myself. He's been such an asshole, and now I keep thinking about all the other asshole-esque-ish things I can remember him doing. As for not knowing what to do with his stuff, I'm just going to pack up a box and mail it home so I don't have to deal with it yet, and then it'll be closer to when I'm going to give it back so it won't be around me for very long. I called Mom again after I finished talking to Chad, to tell her how it went, and then I went to bed. It was like, 4.30 AM.
This morning I slept late and had Shreddies for lunch. Then Spence came and picked up Sara, Ali and I to take us to the rugby club. I wasn't sure I wanted to go anymore -- I have moved from being angry and wanting to hit people to melancholy and wanting to stay in bed all day. It was a gorgeous day, bright and sunny -- and I was on the team wearing black sweaters. Gah. Anyway. It was a good game. I played outside centre and I got a hat trick! That's right, three tries for Jenna! On the last one I got kneed in the head. Since it was so dry out, the ground was really dusty and every time we went down we'd get scraped up. My legs are all chafy. My heels and toes are blistered. Ech. At least I didn't screw up my ankle like Fiona. Anyway, good game. Sonia and Deb were the women of the match and Billy made me go up for the drink-off too because of the hat trick. It was funny, I had a Coke, Sonia had a beer, and Deb had Smirnoff Ice. Sonia was like, "What the heck is this?!" Billy points at me and says "Teetotaller," and at Deb and says, "Can't drink to save her life." Haha. Sonia beat me but I beat Deb so I didn't have to have the rest of my drink poured over my head 'cause I didn't lose. Nice. Anyway, it was a good afternoon/evening; we left a little before seven to rounds of hugs and good-byes, and Paul drove us back. And now I am here. My head hurts from whoever-it-was's knee. I'm not really hungry but I should eat. I need to pack. And sleep. And take a proper shower. And get my tape back from Kirsten so I can make that parcel.
I'll be okay. People just need to stop asking me about it because every time they do, everything comes flooding back and I just want to break down. I went and hid in the bathroom to compose myself probably three times while at the rugby club, and Steve kept pestering me to smile. I hate getting upset in public but I'm also very emotional, my feelings are very sensitive and sit close to my surface, so it happens. I'll be okay. If I need you, I will ask. Thank you.
Later in the evening I tried to keep packing but couldn't, I just ended up crying my eyes out like I needed to. Then I decided I wanted to talk to Mom. Just as I was leaving Heather was coming in and she just held me while I cried on her shoulder for a while, and then I came down to the computer lab and cried to Mom over Skype. The lack of understanding, of comprehension why this was going on, was killing me. Then while I was talking to Mom, Chad came online and started talking to me on MSN. I got off Skype so I could focus.
Essentially, there is someone in his life who feels they would not be able to be friends with Chad anymore were he to date me this summer. Chad understands this. He is working afternoons, 6 days a week, and knows that it is difficult to balance friends and a girlfriend in the first place, and because he feels the girlfriend would take priority and some people wouldn't want to be around him if he was dating someone, he knows he is not able to carry out this balancing act. Therefore, he feels we cannot date this summer. As for the not seeing each other part, he feels that it's best I stay away from him, lest he do something stupid. Of course, I wouldn't let him; any attempts would be met with severe bodily harm, but I guess I have to be okay with that.
He said he tried to miss me and didn't. It felt awkward to talk to me. I was hurt and offended he didn't say so earlier and let this come completely out of the blue. He only e-mailed it to me because he read in my LiveJournal that I was upset about not hearing from him. Thinking of losing this person's friendship makes him a lot more torn up inside than thinking about 'us' not happening. I know it wouldn't be worth it if we both weren't happy - I know continuing to be limited in seeing him wouldn't make me too thrilled. I don't like that he didn't miss me. I feel it cheapens two and a half years of friendship. I wonder who this other person is and what makes them so much more special than me. We really aren't going to see each other anymore; we plan on meeting somewhere neutral after I get home so we can give some stuff back, but after that, we're not going to push it. Okay. I'm sad but I can see his point of view.
Now, is just letting myself be sad and upset and moving on. I can do a heck of a lot better for myself. He's been such an asshole, and now I keep thinking about all the other asshole-esque-ish things I can remember him doing. As for not knowing what to do with his stuff, I'm just going to pack up a box and mail it home so I don't have to deal with it yet, and then it'll be closer to when I'm going to give it back so it won't be around me for very long. I called Mom again after I finished talking to Chad, to tell her how it went, and then I went to bed. It was like, 4.30 AM.
This morning I slept late and had Shreddies for lunch. Then Spence came and picked up Sara, Ali and I to take us to the rugby club. I wasn't sure I wanted to go anymore -- I have moved from being angry and wanting to hit people to melancholy and wanting to stay in bed all day. It was a gorgeous day, bright and sunny -- and I was on the team wearing black sweaters. Gah. Anyway. It was a good game. I played outside centre and I got a hat trick! That's right, three tries for Jenna! On the last one I got kneed in the head. Since it was so dry out, the ground was really dusty and every time we went down we'd get scraped up. My legs are all chafy. My heels and toes are blistered. Ech. At least I didn't screw up my ankle like Fiona. Anyway, good game. Sonia and Deb were the women of the match and Billy made me go up for the drink-off too because of the hat trick. It was funny, I had a Coke, Sonia had a beer, and Deb had Smirnoff Ice. Sonia was like, "What the heck is this?!" Billy points at me and says "Teetotaller," and at Deb and says, "Can't drink to save her life." Haha. Sonia beat me but I beat Deb so I didn't have to have the rest of my drink poured over my head 'cause I didn't lose. Nice. Anyway, it was a good afternoon/evening; we left a little before seven to rounds of hugs and good-byes, and Paul drove us back. And now I am here. My head hurts from whoever-it-was's knee. I'm not really hungry but I should eat. I need to pack. And sleep. And take a proper shower. And get my tape back from Kirsten so I can make that parcel.
I'll be okay. People just need to stop asking me about it because every time they do, everything comes flooding back and I just want to break down. I went and hid in the bathroom to compose myself probably three times while at the rugby club, and Steve kept pestering me to smile. I hate getting upset in public but I'm also very emotional, my feelings are very sensitive and sit close to my surface, so it happens. I'll be okay. If I need you, I will ask. Thank you.