A public entry
Wow..
You know whats strange, if you search for my Dad one of the things which comes up is a page he created wishing his Darts Teams luck.
Its sad, its like a ghost of my Dad reaching out. Its a place I go to sometimes when I miss him, just to feel closer to him (I recon that the page will be taken down in a few days after I have posted this).
Its like opening a book and finding a letter in it from your loved one, its comforting that their presence is still out there.
Of course, I have photo's, I have letters, I have video of him (one of the first memories to go is the sound of the voice, but I have a video of Dad, while he was in hosptial, willing all his worldly goods to me..:) Its sweet, but not something I have watched in recent years though). Those little touches become important to us as time passes. A photo is a static thing, its an image, but a letter is something They touched, a video is the sound of their voice, the webpage something they felt passionatley about, as if the person is reaching out to us. These are valuable links to the past, to the person they were and not the memory we construct.
I have a pair of Dad's glasses, he left them at my flat when he was visiting, I have a cig but he discarded (trust me he did that alot), I have his keyring, I use it all the time now, a reminder of what a good driver Dad was, its old and battered but its mine, those are little things which mean so much, esp since I have so little of his. I have the grumpybear I gave him while he was in hosptial, that bear saw so much and comforted Dad. I caught him one hugging it and crying, I can not look at that bear anymore, but it is tucked in the bed and when I reach out at night in my sleep I find myself holding it.
Then there is the music, the sounds which Dad liked. ELO, Cat Stevens, War of the Worlds. How can I listen to them without crying? Truth is I can't. I managed to get through Morning has Broken once and I suddenly understood why it ment so much to Dad, ELO some songs make me cry, and War of the Worlds.. Well since seeing it live (someting Dad wanted to do), its lost alot of its emotion for me.
So, Friday will be 3 years since he passed away, according to what I was told it was peacefull, though he was more than likely on morphine then so it would have been! There are so many unanswered questions, and I will not be able to find peace until I can either find the answers or come to terms with the fact that there are no answers, not now anyway. I want to know who came for him, who did he see out of the window? Who was the woman at his funeral with the long brown hair?
Questions I know I will find the answer to one day.
Anyway, this is becoming a long public post, and I am at work and not wanting to cry my eyes out.
Love you always Dad, I will never forget the last time I saw you alive how you clung onto me and cried, how you pulled yourself up in your chair and looked so proud and determinded.
I know I will see you soon.
You know whats strange, if you search for my Dad one of the things which comes up is a page he created wishing his Darts Teams luck.
Its sad, its like a ghost of my Dad reaching out. Its a place I go to sometimes when I miss him, just to feel closer to him (I recon that the page will be taken down in a few days after I have posted this).
Its like opening a book and finding a letter in it from your loved one, its comforting that their presence is still out there.
Of course, I have photo's, I have letters, I have video of him (one of the first memories to go is the sound of the voice, but I have a video of Dad, while he was in hosptial, willing all his worldly goods to me..:) Its sweet, but not something I have watched in recent years though). Those little touches become important to us as time passes. A photo is a static thing, its an image, but a letter is something They touched, a video is the sound of their voice, the webpage something they felt passionatley about, as if the person is reaching out to us. These are valuable links to the past, to the person they were and not the memory we construct.
I have a pair of Dad's glasses, he left them at my flat when he was visiting, I have a cig but he discarded (trust me he did that alot), I have his keyring, I use it all the time now, a reminder of what a good driver Dad was, its old and battered but its mine, those are little things which mean so much, esp since I have so little of his. I have the grumpybear I gave him while he was in hosptial, that bear saw so much and comforted Dad. I caught him one hugging it and crying, I can not look at that bear anymore, but it is tucked in the bed and when I reach out at night in my sleep I find myself holding it.
Then there is the music, the sounds which Dad liked. ELO, Cat Stevens, War of the Worlds. How can I listen to them without crying? Truth is I can't. I managed to get through Morning has Broken once and I suddenly understood why it ment so much to Dad, ELO some songs make me cry, and War of the Worlds.. Well since seeing it live (someting Dad wanted to do), its lost alot of its emotion for me.
So, Friday will be 3 years since he passed away, according to what I was told it was peacefull, though he was more than likely on morphine then so it would have been! There are so many unanswered questions, and I will not be able to find peace until I can either find the answers or come to terms with the fact that there are no answers, not now anyway. I want to know who came for him, who did he see out of the window? Who was the woman at his funeral with the long brown hair?
Questions I know I will find the answer to one day.
Anyway, this is becoming a long public post, and I am at work and not wanting to cry my eyes out.
Love you always Dad, I will never forget the last time I saw you alive how you clung onto me and cried, how you pulled yourself up in your chair and looked so proud and determinded.
I know I will see you soon.