Back to Basics - Knowing thyself101
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end.
Getting Back to Grass Roots
There was a time in my life when I strongly believed in things like innocence, romance, and falling in love. The days of such delusional idealism are long gone, as the repugnant authenticity of reality has struck me boldly in the face. There is not a day that goes by that I do not fight myself on the issue of love and romance. I try to tell myself that it is for the weak, that it only breaks you and leaves you broken. I reason with myself and assuage my conscience by telling myself that the feelings are mutual and both parties involved are not looking for anything more than a quickie. That it is simply biology acting its natural course. It has hit me in a way that I used to think not possible. However, my experiences have taken their toll and left me in a state of disbelief. I find it hard to come to grips with the feelings that I have towards romance. I have made some mistakes and everyday I punish myself for them and I think thats where my current mental state is at towards it. The entire value system that I built myself on is in disarray and I cannot seem to meet myself in the middle. It is like I go from one end of the extreme to the other. In one moment I am a complete misogynist with very little regard for myself or the women I might be hurting. The next I am the loyal, caring, and devoted person that I once built myself upon being. I completely despise the former self and much prefer the later. I am coming to realise that it is not as easy to wear the metaphorical mask as some make it look. I really do not know how I can continue to be this man of two faces when my reality is that I only have one real face. One who is romantic, caring, loyal and honest. However, being a logical and fairly smart person I always argue and reason with myself and come to the cold realistic conclusion that every time I take off my mask and wear my true face I get hurt. How than do I reconcile the tumultuous gap that lays before me?
I have been struggling with this concept. I have rushed into relationships for the advantages and benefits it has provided me. I haven’t really cared about the young women that I have hurt along the way. In doing this I have hurt myself and only affixed the mask to my face a little tighter suppressing who I really am. I have pushed all those who would remind me of such things as far away as possible and now I find myself alone and scared. The question now is do I continue with this loveless relationship I am in because it benefits me in ways that only continue to encourage the fusion of said mask? Even if the relationship is mutually agreed upon. It continues to ache inside because I know that it’s not truly me. I am above just settling for the present and that I am better than I have been, is it wrong to want more? That maybe a little loneliness and hardship is worth being true to your self and that to really understand and know what is right is to know what it is like to feel pain and to hurt? Perhaps it is all part of the building blocks to being the better self? The hardest part is I am not even sure anymore which is my face and which is the mask. Just that where I am currently does not feel right. EE Cumings said: “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” If I take this advice literally than I should dispense with the mask trust my heart and stop ignoring the pain in my gut that makes me sick to my stomach. All i can really do now is realise that I have made some mistakes in my past and what i need to do is go forward without regret and be the person I truly am. I have been told that my compassion and my loyalty are my best qualities and maybe that's true. I just find it so hard to be compassionate and loyal when I always feel like I am the one who get's fucked over in the end. I tire of bending over backwards and giving so much of myself to the people who supposedly care about me when in the end they just always end up walking away and turning their backs on me when I actually need them. I am tired of always being the strong one with the advice to give, the shoulders to cry on, the backbone to hold everyone else up. My own shoulders are becoming far too heavy and I feel that I am about to crumble under the sheer weight of it all, slipping backwards into past habits that I have worked so hard to leave behind.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt.
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end.
Getting Back to Grass Roots
There was a time in my life when I strongly believed in things like innocence, romance, and falling in love. The days of such delusional idealism are long gone, as the repugnant authenticity of reality has struck me boldly in the face. There is not a day that goes by that I do not fight myself on the issue of love and romance. I try to tell myself that it is for the weak, that it only breaks you and leaves you broken. I reason with myself and assuage my conscience by telling myself that the feelings are mutual and both parties involved are not looking for anything more than a quickie. That it is simply biology acting its natural course. It has hit me in a way that I used to think not possible. However, my experiences have taken their toll and left me in a state of disbelief. I find it hard to come to grips with the feelings that I have towards romance. I have made some mistakes and everyday I punish myself for them and I think thats where my current mental state is at towards it. The entire value system that I built myself on is in disarray and I cannot seem to meet myself in the middle. It is like I go from one end of the extreme to the other. In one moment I am a complete misogynist with very little regard for myself or the women I might be hurting. The next I am the loyal, caring, and devoted person that I once built myself upon being. I completely despise the former self and much prefer the later. I am coming to realise that it is not as easy to wear the metaphorical mask as some make it look. I really do not know how I can continue to be this man of two faces when my reality is that I only have one real face. One who is romantic, caring, loyal and honest. However, being a logical and fairly smart person I always argue and reason with myself and come to the cold realistic conclusion that every time I take off my mask and wear my true face I get hurt. How than do I reconcile the tumultuous gap that lays before me?
I have been struggling with this concept. I have rushed into relationships for the advantages and benefits it has provided me. I haven’t really cared about the young women that I have hurt along the way. In doing this I have hurt myself and only affixed the mask to my face a little tighter suppressing who I really am. I have pushed all those who would remind me of such things as far away as possible and now I find myself alone and scared. The question now is do I continue with this loveless relationship I am in because it benefits me in ways that only continue to encourage the fusion of said mask? Even if the relationship is mutually agreed upon. It continues to ache inside because I know that it’s not truly me. I am above just settling for the present and that I am better than I have been, is it wrong to want more? That maybe a little loneliness and hardship is worth being true to your self and that to really understand and know what is right is to know what it is like to feel pain and to hurt? Perhaps it is all part of the building blocks to being the better self? The hardest part is I am not even sure anymore which is my face and which is the mask. Just that where I am currently does not feel right. EE Cumings said: “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” If I take this advice literally than I should dispense with the mask trust my heart and stop ignoring the pain in my gut that makes me sick to my stomach. All i can really do now is realise that I have made some mistakes in my past and what i need to do is go forward without regret and be the person I truly am. I have been told that my compassion and my loyalty are my best qualities and maybe that's true. I just find it so hard to be compassionate and loyal when I always feel like I am the one who get's fucked over in the end. I tire of bending over backwards and giving so much of myself to the people who supposedly care about me when in the end they just always end up walking away and turning their backs on me when I actually need them. I am tired of always being the strong one with the advice to give, the shoulders to cry on, the backbone to hold everyone else up. My own shoulders are becoming far too heavy and I feel that I am about to crumble under the sheer weight of it all, slipping backwards into past habits that I have worked so hard to leave behind.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt.