How did I get here.... to the past!??

[jay_nine]

Ok, my relationship with Anthony was very mentally abusive. When I finally met John I couldn't believe I was in such a healthy amazing relationship... at last! Then moments like last night happen where I feel like I'm in the same place just different guy. It started off to be such a nice night with his uncle and his friends. Then we went to Steve and Michelle's house to watch the UFC fights. I don't really care for it, but thought hanging out altogether would be nice. Now, it seemed to me that every time we hang out with Steve they feel it necessary to drink... heavily and smoke up. John states that Saturdays is his day to unwind from the week, so I really don't question this, but would think ONE day we will hang out like normal. Well, last night it was the same routine. So in the beginning John got a little silly but everything was fine. It's when they decided to climb the roof where it started to get out of hand. They are all up there and sober me and one of his cousins are watching and laughing. Steve, the genius who is completely fucked up, decides to jump off the roof. Now on the ground he realizes that that may have been a bad idea and may have broken his foot. So we are all concerned and around him. He gets all macho and tells everyone to go inside. Finally John states that we are going to the hospital. I suggest me to drive since I haven't really been drinking. This is when John turns into an ASSHOLE! He gets this macho attitude and feels like I'm babying him and says HE'S driving. He puts Steve in the back of his pickup. ON THE OUTSIDE!! Me, thinking that's a bad idea say to John, "ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?" One of his cousins tries to shush me. I keep out of it. After about 20 minutes in the cold, we take two cars and the two sober people drive. I see Steve talk to his gf in such an asshole way that I caught myself thinking that it reminded me of my relationship with Anthony and how I will NOT tolerate that now! Onto the hospital we go. Steve, John's cousin and Michelle in one car. John and I in his truck. John is apologizing the whole trip there. I explain to him that it's ok and that my main concern was that Steve was ok. We get to the hospital... at 3:30am, mind you.. oh, and btw earlier I found out that my little brother was rushed to the hospital and all I knew was he had back stomach aches. So we get in the hospital and I'm tired, cranky and concerned for not only Steve but wondering what's going on with my brother. I would of rather been with my brother but had no car since John picked me up. John decides to go back to Steve and Michelle's wait till they get released and go back to pick them up. I think, ok, I'm not sleeping tonight. Irritated I drive back to Steve and Michelle's. We get there and I'm fuhreezing and overtired at this point, still haven't heard about my brother. John talks to Steve and they decide that we'll go to John's and if they need us, they'll call. Before we leave, John asks me if I'm mad. I say no, but I'm a little frustrated but you can't blame me for that. He starts and says, I'M SOOO SORRY THAT MY FRIEND BROKE HIS FOOT and in the same breath says, but I understand I'm a little frustrated too. So, I say so how is ok for YOU to be but not me. He tells me I had an attitude all night. I said, actually I feel like I've handled this situation quite well considering MY BROTHER is in the hospital. He shrugs that off and we stop talking. We drive to his house. Mind you I have no idea how to get there and I'm driving. He would tell me to turn practically the moment I should've then yell at me for not driving well. I'm boiling at this moment but keeping it to myself. It's the alcohol speaking, I think to myself. Now he's yelling at me cuz I was obviously so annoyed at the inconvience his friend caused me. I lost it. Yelling at him that if I'm so cold hearted, why are you with me?! We are screaming and in the middle he's giving me directions AND making fun of me and getting more and more obnoxious and hurtful. I tell myself not to cry. GET MAD! How dare he!! So I said, I don't care? I'm with you when I should be with my brother. At least with Steve we know what's wrong.. he's not dying!. He says, awwwww, you're brother has a little tummy ache. THAT WAS IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him, FUCK YOU!! How dare you!!!!!! I'm so done.. so done. He says with what. I said speaking to you. We get to his place and his truck is so huge I can't seem to park it. I tell him and he tells me to get out. At this point, had I had my car there, my ass would be going home... BUT since I didn't I'm stuck. We walk to his house and he asks me for the 7th time why I was so mad. I didn't talk. He asks me if I am not talking to him. I say nothing. He says real mature as he kicks one of the pumpkins outside his door. We go upstairs and I go into the bathroom. I come out and he's not there. I look and nothing. I sit on the couch. Then I hear someone come in through his kitchen window. It's him. He looks at me with this huge smile. He said you couldn't find me. I ask where was he. He said out hanging out the window. Mind you, he's on the second floor and nothing is out there so he's literally hanging out there. I say, WHO DOES THAT???!!!! He comes to me all mushy now. I say nothing. We go to his b/r. We are laying down and I'm way too livid to sleep. He apologizes for the night and says if he said anything to offend me that he's sorry. I say, this is not going to happen. I refuse to be disrespected like that. I never thought you would do that to me. I really don't know what to do. He says he loves me and so sorry. That when he's fucked up, his mind wanders. I said then perhaps you should stop if it means you are going to be nasty to me. If you LOVE me, if YOU care about not hurting my feelings, then it should be easy. He konks out. I sleep for 2 hours and then lay there, thinking. I love him soooo much. He's perfect for me. We have great talks, great times hanging out. Why this?? I can't let this go without resolving it or even ending it. I've already been in that situation. Why would I purposily stay in this with my eyes WIDE OPEN. I get up and go to the l/r to watch tv. He finally gets up and all I can think of is him taking me home and getting away from him. He's mushy this morning. We get into it yet again. I'm not going to tolerate this. He says I must've done something for him to get that way. I said this is what I'm talking about. I can't keep defending myself. I've never lied to you or made you feel like I was nothing but caring and supportive. YOU on the other hand, continue to make me feel like my feelings are false and/or invalid. I seriously wanted to break up with him at that moment but needed the ride home and didn't want to make a rash decision. I just wanted to go home. At this point I found out my brother had an inflamed appendix and already had surgery to remove it. John drives me, miserably from a hangover to my apt. On the way saying he doesn't remember most of the night and knows he was fucked up. I rarely said anything. I'm too exhausted.We get to my house and he shows concern for my brother and tells me to call him when I get the chance. I go in, eat breakfast and head to the hospital. (My brother is ok... very weak, sore, but ok) John calls when I just get home. I don't answer. Leaves me a pretty general message and at the end "I hope you're not mad. I'm sorry. I love you" I call him back 4 hours later. Monatone conversation. He says, so I guess you're just gonna stay home?" I say, yeah, I'm tired. So I say, ok, I'll just talk to you tomorrow. He didn't ask how if I was mad and I didn't get into it either. I will not see him tomorrow. If I do, we are going out to eat somewhere around me and talking this out. I'm not letting this slide without him realizing he needs to fix this. This is not the first time but it is definitely the worst time. I want this to work. I really do. If he never drank that way again it would be perfect. Of course I can't expect that AND we've gotten into fights where the trait of him not listening to MY feelings is still there. I just don't know how much of it I can take or how long to stay in this, get more emotionally involved to have to end it. He wants to go on a cruise next year with Steve and Michelle. I don't if this is what's going to happen. I'm trapped. I will never go to his house again without my car. I never hated him soooo much! I just don't know what to do. i miss him right now, but I can't cave in. He really needs to know that this is serious and he can potentially lose me of his own accord.

We'll see. I have work for about 2 hours in which I hope to catch up on my greys if the freakin' site lets me watch it then go home and do my laundry... maybe go tanning.. maybe treat myself to a massage and pedi. I certainly deserve it. I'm so tired, but need to force myself to stay up till at least 9pm and I will force myself to go to the gym in the morning. I took a class over the weekend and man, I'm a loser. Old people were pushing me out the way. I'm still feeling the aches but I could not keep up. I'm going to try the step class next Sunday.