choose me . . . love me . . .
i slept most of the afternoon/night and had a dream about bryan. i usually don't use his name, but since i know that he does not read this, i don't feel the need to censor myself.
it started at a studio apartment sometime in the future. i heard a knock on the door and there he was, seemingly slightly intoxicated and his hair was kinda messy. my first instinct was to shut the door but i didn't. he came in and began to talk. we sat on the bed in the studio and he answered all the questions that i had asked him in the past.
me: "why didn't you fight to keep me as your friend?"
him: "because it was easier not to"
he told my why he chose not to say certain things. trying to think now, i don't quite remember the reasons. or i do and i just don't want to write them. by the end i felt a sense of relief, my friend actually came to me and said that he cared for me.
i woke up and looked at the clock at it was almost 10 PM. i was immediately saddened by the fact that of course this was only a dream.
it's funny how we can cut things, people, and emotions out of our lives and yet they still manage to find their way back in. the thing is, he and i weren't best friends, we were just regular friends, but i did care for him. that caring and admiration is still here and i don't know where to put it. you can't keep caring for someone when the relationshihp isn't reciprocal. but then what do you do with those feelings? will they fade? i'm assuming so.
today in class we talked about favorite parts of the summer, and my trip to berkeley for annie and alyssa's bbq was one of them. even as i spoke today it felt weird leaving out a major part. walking and trying to find a group of lesbians midst GIANT kites and just laughing while our faces got burned. *shrugs*
in my dream i knew that my friendship with bry was real and that deep down in his heart he cared about me.
unfortunately, i don't live in a dream world.
it started at a studio apartment sometime in the future. i heard a knock on the door and there he was, seemingly slightly intoxicated and his hair was kinda messy. my first instinct was to shut the door but i didn't. he came in and began to talk. we sat on the bed in the studio and he answered all the questions that i had asked him in the past.
me: "why didn't you fight to keep me as your friend?"
him: "because it was easier not to"
he told my why he chose not to say certain things. trying to think now, i don't quite remember the reasons. or i do and i just don't want to write them. by the end i felt a sense of relief, my friend actually came to me and said that he cared for me.
i woke up and looked at the clock at it was almost 10 PM. i was immediately saddened by the fact that of course this was only a dream.
it's funny how we can cut things, people, and emotions out of our lives and yet they still manage to find their way back in. the thing is, he and i weren't best friends, we were just regular friends, but i did care for him. that caring and admiration is still here and i don't know where to put it. you can't keep caring for someone when the relationshihp isn't reciprocal. but then what do you do with those feelings? will they fade? i'm assuming so.
today in class we talked about favorite parts of the summer, and my trip to berkeley for annie and alyssa's bbq was one of them. even as i spoke today it felt weird leaving out a major part. walking and trying to find a group of lesbians midst GIANT kites and just laughing while our faces got burned. *shrugs*
in my dream i knew that my friendship with bry was real and that deep down in his heart he cared about me.
unfortunately, i don't live in a dream world.