(no subject)
My failure was seeded pretty early on based on the facts. It is of course obvious now that I was unable to see it slowly rolling down the tracks before me.
After my mother was diagnosed with advanced leukemia in October 2002, I set everything aside and spent the next five months helping her to get to chemo and taking care of her during the day, and pouring myself into a bottle at night to cope/avoid the truth that I would lose her very soon. She passed away in the hospital in March 2003. All the while my girlfriend was there as little or as much as I needed her to be, never farther than a phone call away. At this point we had been together almost 5 years. I had once told her that I wasn't the type that followed a natural progression as I called it, the guy that dates someone for 2 years and assumes its time to buy a ring because that's how it works, I guess. I later commented on more than one occasion that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone, I have to know them for at least five years. These I would discover later became benchmarks which she was determined to reach for she truly loved me.
With the 5 year mark aligning my mothers passing, we continued on, parting for months at a time when my sadness, immaturity, and drinking would become too much for her to bare. I spent some of these months trying to get closer to my father, as he was in his 60's at this point, my parents had been married for 47 years. I wasn't sure how or if he would be able to go on without her. He seemed to be doing better than I expected, but again hindsight being what it is, I realize now he wasn't handling it well. He continued on day to day, working socializing with friends, and putting on the brave face, until in December of 2004, he suffered a stroke that forced him to retire from work, and pretty much everything else he had always done. The depression he suffered carried with him through the 5 years I took care of him, the first six months being constant 24 hour supervision. Gradually he regained a small measure of mobility, and with an assistant I was able to return to work.
Still, my girlfriend remained by my side, spending every weekend that she could with me at home, or going out with my father and I. Still my immaturity and selfishness kept me from seeing that these were the acts of someone truly faithful and loving, sacrificing simply so that we could be together. I told myself that of course someday we would get married, but I sadly never had the sense or confidence to say it out loud, specifically to her. Still when the opportunity would present itself which was regularly, again I would dive into the bottle always assuring those around as one does, that I was in complete control.
In March of 2009 I received a call from my niece telling me that my sister, who lived in Iowa had suddenly passed away at the age of 48. Again, my girlfriend was right there to help. As her occupation was in the hotel industry, she arranged hotels for my father, my brother, his family, and I to travel to Iowa for the funeral. She was unable to go with us, but as soon as she was able to, she flew out to meet us, in order to attend the funeral, and help me with Dad on the return trip.
After all these selfless acts and love she showed for me and my family, I still couldn't grasp what I had right in front of me, someone who was truly good, and would love me forever. I would go so far as to drink and say out loud in her presence that I would never get married. Mired by my fear, insecurities, and sadness.
She left again, unable to stand the disaster I seemed intent on making of myself. We where apart for 5 or 6 months until after five years of slowly degrading in health and well-being, my father passed away in his sleep August 2009.
Again, she was back at my side, without a word, there for any assistance she could lend, a shoulder to cry on, to listen, just holding my hand when it seemed I could bare no more. She took off work, and stayed with me 24 hours a day for the first week after Dad passed. Leaving for only a few hours, if at all to take care of an emergency at work, but then she would return as quickly as possible. Even then, I was blind to her devotion, always making some excuse as to why we would always be together, but that being married wasn't an immediate necessity. From 2009 - 2011 we continued on, I built a mountain of grief and depression, and soaked it in jack daniels. Ignorant to the solution to all my problems, fears, and anguish, standing next to me desperately wishing for me to be able to return a fraction of the love and devotion she had shown me for 14 years.
In December 2011, i noticed that she began to pull away, of course it had been longer than that, but that was when I actually noticed. So on December 30th I went to see her. She sat down with me, and told me that she simply wasn't happy anymore. She had spent so long trying to make me see, she simply couldn't continue any longer. As things weren't going very well for me at the time, I tried to convince myself that I was taking this in-stride and I suggested that if this was the car then perhaps we should split for a few months and try in hopes that we could work on our relationship after a break. I was again the fool, unable to see the beginning of our true end. She had reached her limit, as epic a failure as I could be, she stood by me through it all, but this was truly too much.
After a few months, she even granted me a final chance to make us work, and again, I treated it as if it were any other time we had gotten back together. With that final straw, she turned and walked out of my life forever.
Today is the 152nd day since I've seen her, looked into her eyes. Had one of a million chances, I didn't take to tell her I Love her. Today is the next day of the rest of my life without her. Everyday that has passed since has been a constant thought of her.
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