Just what are you doing, JA....
What was supposed to be a time for me to research and look for textures for my Maya final turned into a blog-surfing quest. It's 1 am now and I think I'm definitely not gonna get anymore work done this morning. Great thing that concept art presentation got pushed a day up so I get a whole free day for Maya, since I always neglect this subject (but my concept art final doesn't look very nice). Still, I'm relaxing way too much already, despite the fact that my Maya is pretty crap so far. Guhh.
But all this blog-surfing... I'm going through the blogs of my church members, discovering them though different links, and as I read their posts, I wonder if I can ever have the same kind of bond that they have. Most of them know each other for many years, some since they were babies. Most of them were friends since the highschool days, and now that we're mostly out of highschool, I wonder... Will I ever be able to fit in with them? I've just started participating in youth more actively very recently, and I barely know anyone aside from the usual "hi"s and "bye"s, aside from my cell members, of whom only a couple of them I can converse comfortably with, mostly due to my inability to chat easily with people that I don't know really well(Also the fact that I'm just not good at socialising, and I don't know much about what teens these days talk about; I seem to not talk about those things much).
Sometimes I feel left out, such as when I go for the church programs and have the lunch hour time free, I don't have someone to hang out with or talk to. Most of the time I just bring my sketch book and draw. I think I may seem unfriendly in this circumstances (I see a friend, who's even newer to church than I am, becoming Miss Popular and effortlessly blending into the crowd, and I envy her), but I don't know... I'm just not that kind of person who can join people's conversations. I know that many people will say, "Why so embarassed, just ask/join/talk lah!" but I don't know if they know that I'm not that kind of person. I don't like to be imposing, I don't like to ask favours unless I'm really comfortable with someone. When I see the aforementioned popular friend dashing off the with some other cell members, I'm afraid to tag along or join them, cause I don't want to become the gooseberry. I'm mostly older than them, I don't know how to talk about the things they talk about, and I end up feeling excluded from the conversation when they talk about stuff that they know but I don't (I'm not resentful about that, they're nice people and I'm used to this sort of thing, but I feel this pang in my heart when that happens).
The people whom I'm a bit closer to usually have stuff to do, and I definitely can't ask them to babysit me just because I can't socialise well. How embarassing is that, I'm older than most of them and I can't make close-ish friends there eventhough I've been in the church for nearly two years? (though I only attended youth for less than a year or so lah). Maybe I have this deep-rooted paranoia of looking dumb or something. I don't know. It's frustrating that I'm the type who makes friends one-on-one.
But anyway, joining the Production House department of my youth can hopefully bring me closer to the people there. It's a service to Father and I can socialise more. Reading my words up there, I sound so whiny and complaining. I have a good life now, with great friends. But I want church to be a bigger part of my life, and I want to be closer to them(for many of them, the church gang are their regular everyday friends and not the "church" friends; I'd love to be a part of that).
Maybe only time will tell, and I have to open up a bit more. I think I need to be less cautious.
But all this blog-surfing... I'm going through the blogs of my church members, discovering them though different links, and as I read their posts, I wonder if I can ever have the same kind of bond that they have. Most of them know each other for many years, some since they were babies. Most of them were friends since the highschool days, and now that we're mostly out of highschool, I wonder... Will I ever be able to fit in with them? I've just started participating in youth more actively very recently, and I barely know anyone aside from the usual "hi"s and "bye"s, aside from my cell members, of whom only a couple of them I can converse comfortably with, mostly due to my inability to chat easily with people that I don't know really well(Also the fact that I'm just not good at socialising, and I don't know much about what teens these days talk about; I seem to not talk about those things much).
Sometimes I feel left out, such as when I go for the church programs and have the lunch hour time free, I don't have someone to hang out with or talk to. Most of the time I just bring my sketch book and draw. I think I may seem unfriendly in this circumstances (I see a friend, who's even newer to church than I am, becoming Miss Popular and effortlessly blending into the crowd, and I envy her), but I don't know... I'm just not that kind of person who can join people's conversations. I know that many people will say, "Why so embarassed, just ask/join/talk lah!" but I don't know if they know that I'm not that kind of person. I don't like to be imposing, I don't like to ask favours unless I'm really comfortable with someone. When I see the aforementioned popular friend dashing off the with some other cell members, I'm afraid to tag along or join them, cause I don't want to become the gooseberry. I'm mostly older than them, I don't know how to talk about the things they talk about, and I end up feeling excluded from the conversation when they talk about stuff that they know but I don't (I'm not resentful about that, they're nice people and I'm used to this sort of thing, but I feel this pang in my heart when that happens).
The people whom I'm a bit closer to usually have stuff to do, and I definitely can't ask them to babysit me just because I can't socialise well. How embarassing is that, I'm older than most of them and I can't make close-ish friends there eventhough I've been in the church for nearly two years? (though I only attended youth for less than a year or so lah). Maybe I have this deep-rooted paranoia of looking dumb or something. I don't know. It's frustrating that I'm the type who makes friends one-on-one.
But anyway, joining the Production House department of my youth can hopefully bring me closer to the people there. It's a service to Father and I can socialise more. Reading my words up there, I sound so whiny and complaining. I have a good life now, with great friends. But I want church to be a bigger part of my life, and I want to be closer to them(for many of them, the church gang are their regular everyday friends and not the "church" friends; I'd love to be a part of that).
Maybe only time will tell, and I have to open up a bit more. I think I need to be less cautious.