(no subject)
Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Michael Moore punches you in the face and takes your Adidas.
And that’s why I need an enemies list: my Adidas are the sweetest, and I don't want them getting jacked by some looney Michiganian. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.
Following is a list of how to pick your enemies. Note they may differ from mine, but only if you want to make my list, in which case I’m on your list. And while you’re confused about that, I jump you with a paint can and take your sneaks. Street justice!
Lesson: The key to making good enemies is picking people who can’t possibly fight back, or otherwise don’t have the agency to hate you personally.
Example: “Hey fag! That’s right, I’m talking to you, The Sun!”
Lesson: Again, “Can’t fight back” equals “You can’t lose!” Make sure your enemies don’t know they’re your enemies.
Example: “Hey moron! That’s right, I’m talking to you, Lou Ferrigno!” (See Appendix A)
Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Example: Make enemies with a paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter. That’s Sam's Club-style hating. Plus, it’s not like it’s hard to get a paranoid schizophrenic to be wary of you.
Lesson: Just like in golf, a good follow-through is the key. If you’re serious about your enemies list, then hire a hitman to “git ‘er done,” as the man says.
Example: I can’t think of one, since most hitmen won’t take out a contract on Natural Causes, The Sun or Lou Ferrigno... he was the HULK for crying out loud.
People sometimes ask me who the number one person on my enemies list is and I say trees. Flippin trees.
*Appendix A: He’s deaf. He is able to lip-read, but for the purposes of this joke, ignore that fact.
And that’s why I need an enemies list: my Adidas are the sweetest, and I don't want them getting jacked by some looney Michiganian. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.
Following is a list of how to pick your enemies. Note they may differ from mine, but only if you want to make my list, in which case I’m on your list. And while you’re confused about that, I jump you with a paint can and take your sneaks. Street justice!
Lesson: The key to making good enemies is picking people who can’t possibly fight back, or otherwise don’t have the agency to hate you personally.
Example: “Hey fag! That’s right, I’m talking to you, The Sun!”
Lesson: Again, “Can’t fight back” equals “You can’t lose!” Make sure your enemies don’t know they’re your enemies.
Example: “Hey moron! That’s right, I’m talking to you, Lou Ferrigno!” (See Appendix A)
Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Example: Make enemies with a paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter. That’s Sam's Club-style hating. Plus, it’s not like it’s hard to get a paranoid schizophrenic to be wary of you.
Lesson: Just like in golf, a good follow-through is the key. If you’re serious about your enemies list, then hire a hitman to “git ‘er done,” as the man says.
Example: I can’t think of one, since most hitmen won’t take out a contract on Natural Causes, The Sun or Lou Ferrigno... he was the HULK for crying out loud.
People sometimes ask me who the number one person on my enemies list is and I say trees. Flippin trees.
*Appendix A: He’s deaf. He is able to lip-read, but for the purposes of this joke, ignore that fact.