Update on Life
I just.
I'm so frustrated.
I'm disappointed in myself to the point where I'm almost in tears.
I was so damn motivated at the beginning of this year to be out.
I was ready. I was tired of feeling like I hated myself for being ashamed of who I am.
So as some of you know, I came up with the idea of this art project.
I feel as though I also disappointed some of you because I started putting together the collage and it was really beautiful...but then I ran out of pictures....Which wasn't a big deal. I just had to redesign the piece. Which I did.
But then the realization of, "Omg I'm going to have to show this to my entire family." hit me. It hit me hard. I was so proud and so in love with the stories that were sent to me that I got caught up in the art instead of the personal message that's supposed to be coming from it.
When I realized that. I said I'd step back from the project itself and write out exactly what I wanted to tell my family. All I could basically come up with was basically:
"I know I'm gay. Now you know I'm gay. Please don't hate me because you mean the world to me."
Then it got even worse because I realized that I had other families that aren't blood related that I consider "family". For the most part, they're white, conservative, and for fuck's sake we're in Tennessee. I already know how they feel about homosexuality. I literally consider some of these women as my other "moms" because I know they love me like another daughter.
But they love me as their funny Christian smart STRAIGHT daughter.
I know some of you are thinking, "Well if they can't love you for who you are then you don't need them."
But I do. I have little "brothers" and "sisters" that I've watched grow up. I'm the kind of person where if I'm friends with you it's damn hard to get rid of me because I don't give up on friendships. I'm in it 100%.
So naturally....
I've let the fear come back into my life when it comes to coming out.
I'm miserable right now. Just absolutely miserable.
I hate not being out.
But then I love keeping my family and my "family" in the dark about who I am because they love me that way and they aren't judging me right now.
I hate myself for thinking about not coming out by the end of this year.
But then I hate myself for coming up with excuses for not coming out this year.
Sigh...
I just want to all be over.
I'm so frustrated.
I'm disappointed in myself to the point where I'm almost in tears.
I was so damn motivated at the beginning of this year to be out.
I was ready. I was tired of feeling like I hated myself for being ashamed of who I am.
So as some of you know, I came up with the idea of this art project.
I feel as though I also disappointed some of you because I started putting together the collage and it was really beautiful...but then I ran out of pictures....Which wasn't a big deal. I just had to redesign the piece. Which I did.
But then the realization of, "Omg I'm going to have to show this to my entire family." hit me. It hit me hard. I was so proud and so in love with the stories that were sent to me that I got caught up in the art instead of the personal message that's supposed to be coming from it.
When I realized that. I said I'd step back from the project itself and write out exactly what I wanted to tell my family. All I could basically come up with was basically:
"I know I'm gay. Now you know I'm gay. Please don't hate me because you mean the world to me."
Then it got even worse because I realized that I had other families that aren't blood related that I consider "family". For the most part, they're white, conservative, and for fuck's sake we're in Tennessee. I already know how they feel about homosexuality. I literally consider some of these women as my other "moms" because I know they love me like another daughter.
But they love me as their funny Christian smart STRAIGHT daughter.
I know some of you are thinking, "Well if they can't love you for who you are then you don't need them."
But I do. I have little "brothers" and "sisters" that I've watched grow up. I'm the kind of person where if I'm friends with you it's damn hard to get rid of me because I don't give up on friendships. I'm in it 100%.
So naturally....
I've let the fear come back into my life when it comes to coming out.
I'm miserable right now. Just absolutely miserable.
I hate not being out.
But then I love keeping my family and my "family" in the dark about who I am because they love me that way and they aren't judging me right now.
I hate myself for thinking about not coming out by the end of this year.
But then I hate myself for coming up with excuses for not coming out this year.
Sigh...
I just want to all be over.