So I can sleep
I hung up the phone with you and brushed my teeth. I washed my face. I put on my pajamas and my favourite grapefruit-scented hand creme that makes me feel special in the most consumer-whore way. But I don’t feel any better.
I will not sleep until I get this out.
Your note disappointed me and I’m still smarting from it. It’s not about the exam I had today that didn’t go as well as I would have liked, and it isn’t about the projects that I just couldn’t get done in time. It’s neither stress nor anxiety that’s caused my reaction, although I suppose they contributed to my lack of patience. Sure, I needed you to be there for me today, but I am capable of standing on my own to feet (I know how important that is to you), so it isn’t about that either.
You said you wanted to talk about it. But I don’t want to talk to you about anything right now. You’ve already had your say, and I’m not sure you even want to hear mine. I’m half afraid I’ll say something I’ll regret later in defense of my bruised ego. The other half is worried that I wont be able to think clearly enough to defend myself. That idea leaves me ill at ease.
I know the power of a good speaker in front of a mesmerized audience and how the right idea at the right time can seem so truthful. But it’s funny how the truth and clarity of a moment can lose their colour. To be clear: I’m excited that you had a moment of clarity today where you realized what your truth is right now. Those are moments to live for. Despite your disparagement in your message, belittling my viewpoint and scorning my candid thoughts about ‘mentors’, I am sincerely pleased to hear that you had a revelation, brought to you by an undoubtedly clever and learned man. I am sure he is wiser than I and I would probably benefit from his wisdom too.
Here’s my issue: do you really think we have different points of view?
I do not.
I am convinced that we are on the same page when it comes to the topic of mentors. It is not a debate-a face off between us-but a subject that we face holding hands.
I am glad that every successful person you have ever known has had a mentor. Most successful people I have known and read about have had several. Lucky is he or she who finds just one person to whom they can seek council or simply be inspired by. If you know some such people, then you are lucky indeed. I have not had this same fortune and so must do what I know-that is, choose several ‘mentors’ or inspirations from whom to draw knowledge. I have no intentions of reinventing the wheel blindfolded, you know, I simply want to construct my own wheel using the parts I’ve borrowed from everyone I know. You inspire me. I was thinking today about how much I admire your patience with me and with the world. It’s an admirable trait of yours, among others, of course. Why do you suggest that I cannot be successful, since I have several sources of inspiration and choose not to label them as mentors? And if you did not mean that, what did you mean?
Your second point: Being an individual is hard and overrated. Is this really a criticism of me, or of yourself? You are unlike any I have met. I do not think you are overrated. I do not think you find it hard to be who you are. So, what can be frustrating you enough to make you say that? And what of me? Do you think I find it hard to be different? I do. I find it is often very hard to find the right balance between fitting in, standing out and being myself. I do not think it is an easy task and have never suggested it is. You know better than many, perhaps, that life is not easy. As for being overrated; is that really what you think of me? I don’t want to believe it. I would almost hope that you were consoling me in that you do not think me an individual (‘but, not to worry, individualism is hard and overrated anyway’). Hogwash.
So now do you see that what I wanted was less of an apology, and instead for you to tell me how much you care for me? If you think that I am overrated, then I am lost to you. That scares me more than I’d like to admit. Please point me in the direction of those who are overrating me.
Don’t tell me you’re ‘sorry about that’. I’m hurt by your presentation, but not your opinions, which I take as seriously as always. You might apologize to yourself though, for ignoring your obvious abilities to stand out, listen, create and be an innovator. Yes, learn from those who came before you (look before you leap), but don’t hesitate to be act on your intuition (he who hesitates is lost).
I’ll happily discuss this with you in the future if that is your need. I doubt you will ever read these words. I will end this by reminding you that I am invested in your success and will continue to look to you for your confident insight and enlightening points of view.
I hope that you will continue wax lyrical; to share with me what you learn and your changing views on the earth. They fill me with a renewed passion to discover the world.
I would ask you to remember that I am your admirer, devoted enthusiast and will be among the first to recognize your strokes of brilliance. I would hope that in the future you would afford me more respect and hold me in higher esteem. At very least, please not discount my views entirely when you reflect on a memory of them that has been taken out of context. I deserve better than that.
-J.
Ps. I should have thanked you on the phone for downloading that game for me, but I did not feel to at the time. I’ll do that tomorrow. It was really nice of you take the time to do that for me and I’m sorry this bigger issue took precedent tonight. It might seem silly to read so much into a simple text-message, but communication is at a premium for us. I hang off your every letter.