Breakdown
So yeah. I hate myself for not being online. I hate myself for not answering the phone. I hate myself for staying curled up in this little mental ball...
...but as I've already had to deal with panic attacks bad enough to make me throw up, make me black out, send me into seizure, and literally claw at the walls at one point, and EVERY TIME I so much as THINK of trying to communicate directly with anyone I start falling into another one...
...I'm waiting until my next doctor appointment, when I damn well will not leave without getting some serious anti-anxiety meds, ones that actually WORK. Right now I'm pretty much nonfunctional, I recognize it, I hate it, I can't seem to make it STOP, and I think it's either hold on to what's left of my sanity by being Amazing Avoidance Girl for a few more weeks, or just give in and check myself in somewhere after I try to function, fail, and decide jumping off the balcony or walling myself into my closet are good options. *shiver* I've never, NEVER, had it this bad. I don't know what's changed, I don't know if it's not having most of my meds, or if it's the season, or if I'm just finally losing it, or what. I just know that I'm in the middle of a hellish breakdown and I'm trying not to burn any bridges and trying to keep going and... gah.
Even writing this is like pulling teeth. I'm sorry. I can't say it enough, I'm sorry, I truly am. I'm trying to do something about it, I've got the appointment, I've got people here keeping an eye on me, I'll be ok eventually, somehow, just... not now. So very not now. If I seem to be avoiding you, I promise, it's not you. I'm avoiding everyone, everything. I barely even leave the house. I don't think there's really anything I can do, other than wait to see the doctor and try not to do anything too stupid and pray that you'll all still be there when I finally wake back up from this nightmare.
...but as I've already had to deal with panic attacks bad enough to make me throw up, make me black out, send me into seizure, and literally claw at the walls at one point, and EVERY TIME I so much as THINK of trying to communicate directly with anyone I start falling into another one...
...I'm waiting until my next doctor appointment, when I damn well will not leave without getting some serious anti-anxiety meds, ones that actually WORK. Right now I'm pretty much nonfunctional, I recognize it, I hate it, I can't seem to make it STOP, and I think it's either hold on to what's left of my sanity by being Amazing Avoidance Girl for a few more weeks, or just give in and check myself in somewhere after I try to function, fail, and decide jumping off the balcony or walling myself into my closet are good options. *shiver* I've never, NEVER, had it this bad. I don't know what's changed, I don't know if it's not having most of my meds, or if it's the season, or if I'm just finally losing it, or what. I just know that I'm in the middle of a hellish breakdown and I'm trying not to burn any bridges and trying to keep going and... gah.
Even writing this is like pulling teeth. I'm sorry. I can't say it enough, I'm sorry, I truly am. I'm trying to do something about it, I've got the appointment, I've got people here keeping an eye on me, I'll be ok eventually, somehow, just... not now. So very not now. If I seem to be avoiding you, I promise, it's not you. I'm avoiding everyone, everything. I barely even leave the house. I don't think there's really anything I can do, other than wait to see the doctor and try not to do anything too stupid and pray that you'll all still be there when I finally wake back up from this nightmare.