sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost.
I feel horrible. I feel sick to my stomach constantly like I'm going to throw up. I've lost 5 pounds within two days and then eaten myself until i gain 5 more pounds in, literally, an hour. I constantly feel like I'm dreaming and in this horrible state of mind where I can feel all pain but can't say anything or move anything. My entire spine hurts and my head feels like its in a "zombie" mode. I've been having trouble breathing and pain in my chest and heart. I can't think straight.
I'm just confused and lost and feel deserted and what I really want most is everything I know I can't have.
I'm doing exactly what screwed up my life last time, and I dont want to screw up what I've got because it's better than nothing.
It hurts so much to tell myself 'no' everyday and to keep saying to myself that there isn't anything there.
I'm completely hysterical.
Saturday night may have been the best night I've had in a while, despite what happened but it's been 2 days and I already miss it to a point where I can't even think about it without freaking out.
I'm scared and just want someone who will sit with me and lie next to me and do absolutely nothing. Someone I can just have fun with and who doesn't overthink everything I've done and everything I haven't. Someone who just wants to have fun.
Oh my god I'm going to miss you so much.
shit.