Hurts to know we could throw all this time away..
Last night.. Paul came over.. and Lauren, Curtis, Damon, Zac, Adam..the usual. Nothing went on.. I went to bed early. Couldn't sleep.. but I tried.
**WARNING: The rest of this entry is DEFINITELY going to PISS people off**
Today.
I went to see Annabelle on my lunch break. She didn't seem too happy to see me.
I don't understand how everybody can be so mad at me..
I haven't been a happy person, by any means, since high school. I'm stuck in a rut.. trying to find ways out. This is one thing I'm trying.. no partying if I have to work early the next day. Yeah, I understand that you guys miss me, or whatever.. but you can ALWAYS come to my apartment and hang out with me. You all know this. It's fucking BULLSHIT that none of you come because of Sherri. If you miss me ohhhh so much, you can come to my apartment.
I will say this one time: My sister comes first. I will not choose between either of you, but if that's what you guys are trying to make me do, there's your answer.
We haven't had a good relationship in a couple of years, mainly because I've been neglecting her. Right now, it's pretty good, I think. I've been trying..she's been trying. It may very well be because I haven't been hanging out with anyone and, well.. I've missed you ALL, but something good came out of it for me.
Don't get me wrong.. I love all of you. We've all helped each other through stuff, talked about important things, had lots of fucking great times, and just generally been there for each other. I DO feel bad for not being around a lot. But, honestly? I don't think ANY of you are being supportive right now. I'm trying to get MY shit together and all you can do is bitch? That shit upsets me. Another thing that upsets me: when you act like you know what I'm thinking. I don't know the meaning of friendship anymore? That's fucked up.
I know I shouldn't be putting all of this in my journal..I should TALK about it. But to be perfectly honest, I don't want to talk to anybody right now. I've been depressed as hell for the past 3 or 4 days.. for absolutely no reason.. but I think it's because I've realized that all of my friends are beginning to hate me.
I don't think any of you will ever understand.
Now, I have to comment on some of the things in this:
Through...
Through the walls of agony,
We triumph your pain.
Only hearing your whispers,
Now forgetting you by name.
**Good to know that you're all forgetting about me..makes me feel toasty inside..**
We feel you drifting further away,
Being held back by another force.
Holding you hostage by emotions,
Letting it just run it's course.
**Another thing.. Sherri is NOT HOLDING ME BACK. I haven't been hanging out because I haven't WANTED to.**
Through the eyes of a child,
You see no wrong.
People not knowing how to share,
Always fighting never getting along.
**Through the eyes of a child..? Tha fuck..? The "not knowing how to share" thing must be Annabelle and Sherri.. it's not just Sherri, either. You can't disagree on that point. And I DO think it's wrong.. what do you think I get so upset about?**
As time rushs past us,
Your face soon begins to fade away.
Making empty promises,
But we're strong we'll be okay.
**I do make empty promises. I don't know why. But seriously, that's too dramatic.. it's been, what? A week n' a half? Two weeks? This is a PHASE that I'm going through.**
Through the heart of gold,
You let us down.
You've forgotten the meaning of friendship,
But you'll remember when theres no one around.
**THIS shit is what bothers me. This pisses me off so much, I don't even want to talk about it.**
Guys will come and go,
True friends will stick by your side.
Pushing us away wont help,
When all you do is run and hide.
**I don't push anybody away. I don't run and hide. Your asses don't come hang out with me, KNOWING that I'm not going anywhere if I have to work the next day. That's your own fault.**
Through the tissue soaked with lonely tears,
You wipe away your continuous thought.
Seeing the bottled up anger and depression,
From the very first time we fought.
We're not throwing in the white flag yet,
All we're asking is for you to see.
What other people are doing,
Is causing you to forget about us... forget about me.
**You and Sherri have to get along one of these days. Like I said, I'm NOT choosing. I haven't forgotten about you.**
By Annabelle Howard
I'm aware that my comments weren't the nicest thing, but neither was that damn poem. I'm in an EXTREMELY bad mood right now. That poem hurt my feelings beyond words.
To me, you're all worth fighting for. But I won't go up against my sister. She wins, like Annabelle said earlier. She gave up, apparently. Which also made me feel like shit.
I'm getting off this damn thing now. I'm tired of typing, trying to explain myself, when I don't feel like I should have to. I won't appologize for anything I've done (or not done) in the past few weeks. I don't feel that I've been in the wrong. I'm trying to better myself.. is that so bad?
Funny how I always have to have someone against me. If it's not my sister, it's ALL of my friends. I hate my life.
Maybe I'm PMSing.
This is the song I dedicated to Sherri when we were fighting. Now I guess I'll have to dedicate it to all of you..
****
"For Pete's Sake" - Yellowcard
So I'm left wondering
there is so much left I wish that I could say to you
Silence I keep
For fear of breaking myself down and maybe getting through
getting through to you
For Pete's Sake
Let's see straight
Clench your fists up in rage
Hurts to know
We could throw
All this time away
Let's try and work it out
Please don't be angry anymore I'm on your side
I don't want to fight
Put this hate aside
Get back to a place where you and I can still be friends
You want it, you need it
And all the answers you're racing to find out
They might outrun you in the end
****
In closing, I have a new thing to say at the bottom of my entries:
Fuck me. (this is NOT to be taken sexually, kids)
**WARNING: The rest of this entry is DEFINITELY going to PISS people off**
Today.
I went to see Annabelle on my lunch break. She didn't seem too happy to see me.
I don't understand how everybody can be so mad at me..
I haven't been a happy person, by any means, since high school. I'm stuck in a rut.. trying to find ways out. This is one thing I'm trying.. no partying if I have to work early the next day. Yeah, I understand that you guys miss me, or whatever.. but you can ALWAYS come to my apartment and hang out with me. You all know this. It's fucking BULLSHIT that none of you come because of Sherri. If you miss me ohhhh so much, you can come to my apartment.
I will say this one time: My sister comes first. I will not choose between either of you, but if that's what you guys are trying to make me do, there's your answer.
We haven't had a good relationship in a couple of years, mainly because I've been neglecting her. Right now, it's pretty good, I think. I've been trying..she's been trying. It may very well be because I haven't been hanging out with anyone and, well.. I've missed you ALL, but something good came out of it for me.
Don't get me wrong.. I love all of you. We've all helped each other through stuff, talked about important things, had lots of fucking great times, and just generally been there for each other. I DO feel bad for not being around a lot. But, honestly? I don't think ANY of you are being supportive right now. I'm trying to get MY shit together and all you can do is bitch? That shit upsets me. Another thing that upsets me: when you act like you know what I'm thinking. I don't know the meaning of friendship anymore? That's fucked up.
I know I shouldn't be putting all of this in my journal..I should TALK about it. But to be perfectly honest, I don't want to talk to anybody right now. I've been depressed as hell for the past 3 or 4 days.. for absolutely no reason.. but I think it's because I've realized that all of my friends are beginning to hate me.
I don't think any of you will ever understand.
Now, I have to comment on some of the things in this:
Through...
Through the walls of agony,
We triumph your pain.
Only hearing your whispers,
Now forgetting you by name.
**Good to know that you're all forgetting about me..makes me feel toasty inside..**
We feel you drifting further away,
Being held back by another force.
Holding you hostage by emotions,
Letting it just run it's course.
**Another thing.. Sherri is NOT HOLDING ME BACK. I haven't been hanging out because I haven't WANTED to.**
Through the eyes of a child,
You see no wrong.
People not knowing how to share,
Always fighting never getting along.
**Through the eyes of a child..? Tha fuck..? The "not knowing how to share" thing must be Annabelle and Sherri.. it's not just Sherri, either. You can't disagree on that point. And I DO think it's wrong.. what do you think I get so upset about?**
As time rushs past us,
Your face soon begins to fade away.
Making empty promises,
But we're strong we'll be okay.
**I do make empty promises. I don't know why. But seriously, that's too dramatic.. it's been, what? A week n' a half? Two weeks? This is a PHASE that I'm going through.**
Through the heart of gold,
You let us down.
You've forgotten the meaning of friendship,
But you'll remember when theres no one around.
**THIS shit is what bothers me. This pisses me off so much, I don't even want to talk about it.**
Guys will come and go,
True friends will stick by your side.
Pushing us away wont help,
When all you do is run and hide.
**I don't push anybody away. I don't run and hide. Your asses don't come hang out with me, KNOWING that I'm not going anywhere if I have to work the next day. That's your own fault.**
Through the tissue soaked with lonely tears,
You wipe away your continuous thought.
Seeing the bottled up anger and depression,
From the very first time we fought.
We're not throwing in the white flag yet,
All we're asking is for you to see.
What other people are doing,
Is causing you to forget about us... forget about me.
**You and Sherri have to get along one of these days. Like I said, I'm NOT choosing. I haven't forgotten about you.**
By Annabelle Howard
I'm aware that my comments weren't the nicest thing, but neither was that damn poem. I'm in an EXTREMELY bad mood right now. That poem hurt my feelings beyond words.
To me, you're all worth fighting for. But I won't go up against my sister. She wins, like Annabelle said earlier. She gave up, apparently. Which also made me feel like shit.
I'm getting off this damn thing now. I'm tired of typing, trying to explain myself, when I don't feel like I should have to. I won't appologize for anything I've done (or not done) in the past few weeks. I don't feel that I've been in the wrong. I'm trying to better myself.. is that so bad?
Funny how I always have to have someone against me. If it's not my sister, it's ALL of my friends. I hate my life.
Maybe I'm PMSing.
This is the song I dedicated to Sherri when we were fighting. Now I guess I'll have to dedicate it to all of you..
****
"For Pete's Sake" - Yellowcard
So I'm left wondering
there is so much left I wish that I could say to you
Silence I keep
For fear of breaking myself down and maybe getting through
getting through to you
For Pete's Sake
Let's see straight
Clench your fists up in rage
Hurts to know
We could throw
All this time away
Let's try and work it out
Please don't be angry anymore I'm on your side
I don't want to fight
Put this hate aside
Get back to a place where you and I can still be friends
You want it, you need it
And all the answers you're racing to find out
They might outrun you in the end
****
In closing, I have a new thing to say at the bottom of my entries:
Fuck me. (this is NOT to be taken sexually, kids)